The Worst Shoes Ever Mostly Because They Are Trying To Kill Me

My daughter gets a pair of cute Mary Jane shoes as a gift. She falls in love. The shoes are soft with flowers and bright colors. But that’s not why she adores them. No. She adores them because they squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak.

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And guess what? There’s no off switch for the squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak.

We scour the Internet in the hopes of finding a solution to our squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. After hours of tireless research and tears, we find a way. We can fill the shoes with GLUE, and they will never squeak again.

Great! The day after we rid ourselves of the incessant squeaking, our daughter will put on her favorite shoes and start to run. She will seem startled that no noise is accompanying her. She’ll look at her feet and jump up and down and up and down. She will look at us with furrowed eyebrows as her little voice trembles: Mama? Shoes?

For forty-five more minutes, she will walk up and down and up and down until she finally gives up and asks us to take off her no-squeak shoes.

Shoulders slumped, she will walk away crying.

The tag line of her shoes should be:

Let’s see what kind of mama you are! Chose between your sanity and breaking your daughter’s heart. Good luck. We’ll be checking on you.

The anti-shoe.

PS. Upon further research, we find a site that states: “These squeaky shoes can be easily silenced. Just remove the little squeaker and replace it after quiet time. **Special note. the small squeaker must be kept in a safe place due to choking hazards. Please never remove with your teeth and always keep away from children.”

Alternative shoe tag line:

Let’s see what kind of mama you are! Chose between your sanity and possible death. Because if your kid sees you remove that squeaker, you’re screwed! What kid isn’t going to use their teeth to get at the little white squeaky suckers? Good luck. We’ll be checking on you.

PPS. Do you think the gift-giver is trying to kill me? I feel like I should be prepared for possible drum sets, puppies and anonymous calls to child protective services.

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