How Do Babies Get Out, Mama?

My 6-year-old son is obsessed with babies. Not dolls but real babies. He lights up around anyone less than 18 months old.

I even had a mom say to me: He’s amazing with kids.

All this would be SO SWEET if it didn’t lead to conversations like these:

E: Mama, did I come out your mouth or your bottom?

I stall.

Me: When you where in my tummy? 

Once, I tried to explain the uterus, but unless I wanted to hold an anatomy class with a cadaver, it did not make enough sense to pursue.

E: Yeah, did I come out of your mouth or your bottom when I was a baby?

I consider my options. I’m not going to say mouth although I can see why he wasn’t sure after looking at this preggo picture:

Baby could pop out anywhere anytime.

But I also don’t want to talk too much about making babies when he’s only in kindergarten. I decide that my bottom area is a fair and honest response.

Me: The bottom.


Me: What?

Did he learn from someone that vaginas are gross?  Or is it even worse…

Me: Do you think I meant my butt?

E: Yes, it’s stinky. You poop there!

Holy crap! My son is envisioning a baby coming out of a butt-hole. I can hear the chang ching of therapist everywhere.

Me: Oh no! I meant my vagina.

I pause to wait for him to writhe in embarrassment, confusion, and horror, but as it turns out, the idea of being crapped out of an anus is much worse.

E: Oh, okay. Great! So babies come out penises, too?

{sigh} He looks so hopeful. Of course, he’s never had a catheter.

Me: No, just vaginas. Remember that only girls can grow babies.

E: Oh, only vaginas.

Me: Better than coming out of butts?



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Go Speed Racer

When YouTube Calls A Video Dirty, It Means It

Go Speed RacerI try to be a good mom. A mom who pays attention to her kids and adds to their excitement and interests.

So when my son started watching Speed Racer on Netflix and insisting he was speed and N was his brother X, I immediately thought of the techno song: Go Speed Go by the Alpha Team

Me: E there’s a Speed Racer song that we can dance to!

E: AhWE-SOME. (no seriously he says this word all the time and with a surfer accent now)

I jump on YouTube and find a video with photos of speed racer and the techno song playing in the background. I keep seeing “dirty version” and I think: What video did they make to this song? Don’t pick that one.

I play one without the warning, and my preschool kids and I dancing along until the song begins to play what all those videos tried to warn me about. The part I didn’t remember because I didn’t know the 2008 version was different from the 1990s version in my head, and the video I chose didn’t have this apt description:

Speed Racer opening theme combined with the DJ Keoki p0rn mix

The first few Trixie moans I think: Haha, okay back to the song.

Except Speed and Trixie are too busy to keep dancing. The music and breathing are clearly moving in a CRESCENDO direction. So I run to my iPhone and fast-forward. Twice. I’m not down with listening to sex with my kids no matter how good the back beat is.

We finish dancing, and I change the subject. And fail.

E: Mama, you skipped the breathing part.

Me: I did.

E: I want to listen to her breath again.

Me: What?

Now I’m thinking: Why did he notice? Oh my gawd, has he heard Scott and I?

E: I want to hear the breathing. It makes her happy.

{insert wide-eyed Mama}

E: She was scared and then she breathed to help calm down, right?

{sigh} We do breathing exercises to deal with anger and fear, and E thinks Trixie is anxious.

I feel relief except now I’m in a corner I built for myself based on the plan to RELATE. The song is a fun song that has sex noises in it. My son thinks the sex noises are breathing exercises. The breathing exercises we do are great so I can’t tell him there’s something wrong with the breathing, and I can’t tell him Speed and Trixie are trying to make babies since I’m not ready for the sex talk (he’s 5). And I can’t listen to sex noises with my kids and pretend it’s breathing exercises.

I spend the rest of the afternoon saying, we’ll listen to it in a minute, while inventing even cooler things to do and planning to never listen to the song again. I think the term is cock blocking.

Here is the video I should have picked.

Here is the video I did pick.

Here is the clip of just the breathing part if you don’t want to listen to a 4 minute techno song.

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