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Christians Should Be Concerned With How Many People Sing Their Songs So Badly

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N draws God Is Everywhere.

As I mentioned awhile back, we are homeschooling our children in God. How’s it going? Well, every time the word “Sunday” is said, my kids yell: That’s when we talk about God! Yay!

Scott and I take turns teaching lessons the last a few Sundays. On my first week to teach, I decided to introduce music as a way to celebrate God and our love for God.

I’m a clapping, singing, crying in the joy of lyrics, Christian. The music rises up in me and HALLELUJAH I BELIEVE. I can’t imagine a church without music and here was my chance to make the choir sing every song I liked. It’s like God really DOES love me.

I compiled a Christian Worship playlist, which took HOURS not because I didn’t know what I was looking for, but because Christians seem to think just because God gave them a voice and access to an electronic keyboard, they should record hymns.

Oh sweet Moses, the 11th commandment should be:

Thy God liketh singing but do not go forth and recordth until more than just thy honored mother and father mention thou’s gift of voice. Thou can always sing in the shower (will be invented later) and pretend to be on iTuneth (will also be invented later by Black the Turtleneck).

I think popular Christian music suffers from the same problem the Star Spangled Banner has. Everyone who loves America knows the words so why not step up to the mic, add a few octaves and end on that patriotic note? The answer is BECAUSE YOU CAN’T and YOU SHOULDN’T and also, STOP RUINING THE SONG WE ALL LOVE.

For most of the songs, I had to download children’s choirs because it’s hard to roll my eyes at kids singing about God no matter how much the electronic drum beats are getting on my nerves.

Here’s my Christian Worship list:

They’ll Know We Are Christians By Our Love by Jars of Clay
Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing by Jars of Clay

Where I gave in and just downloaded kids singing on Cedarmont Worship For Kids, Volume 2

God of Wonders
Rock of Ages
It Is You
Every Move I Make
Victory Chant
Come, Now Is the Time to Worship
How Great Is Our God
I Will Call Upon the Lord
You Are My All In All
Awesome God
You’re Worthy of My Praise

These we already had on CDs from Music Together classes:

This Train
This Little Light of Mine
The Water Is Wide
When the Saints Go Marching
May All Children
He’s Got the Whole World In His Hands

By this point in my church-y playlist, my ears were bleeding from all the easy-listening versions of Awesome God so I said a prayer for the people who attend those singers’ churches and stopped.

My ear trauma was worth it though. The Sunday morning lesson rocked. I brought up instruments, and we sang and danced as a family and as Christians and as people, and I thought: This is what loving God is all about.

Disclaimer: Some of the songs are amazon affiliate links so 4-6% of purchases go to Late Enough instead of Amazon, which is what Jesus would do.

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When A Toy Turns On By Itself, RUN

A week ago, I post on Facebook: What’s creepier than your kids’ toys turning on by themselves? Nothing, that’s what.

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Proof

Here’s how the rest of the story goes:

I hear the mysterious sound drifting out of a bedroom. I look around, confused and concerned, because I am home alone. I creep towards the music: DOODOOODOONTDONTDONT

Yes, that’s exactly what music sounds like when I’m alternating between worrying this music castle with a dancing cinderella and prince would kill me and thinking a psychopathic killer had set off the toy to lure me into the guest room to kill me.

I slide into the bedroom and am greeted by a glowing castle with Cinderella singing and dancing by the giant bay window as though it’s normal to turn on without any human aid.  I make it to the toy and hit the off button without a maiming or death, and I’m psyched. Also, jumpy for the rest of the day.

The next morning, it happens again. The music, the creeping, the nonchalant toy although this time I think less psycho-killer and more the clock part of this creepy castle is set to FREAK ALEX OUT.

The morning musical number repeats for a week.  Every 9 a.m.-ish, I get a little more comfortable with the toy going off inexplicably. I try the off button, the reset button, the mash-all-the-buttons button. I even send my children up to turn it off since they’re smarter than me. Yet, the castle always sings and dances again with perhaps a little more mocking each day.

Finally, my logically side decides to take drastic measures. When the castle lights go on and the music and dancing begin this morning, the quiet, rational voice in my head reasons: Go on, Alex. Unplug the toy. It’s the ultimate reset button. Unplugging will solve all your problems.

I ignore my own advice to never unplugging anything creepy because confirmed terror is worse than imagined terror, which can only be explained by a slow wearing down of my paranoia by 7 days of castle song into an unusual state of reasonableness.

I pull the plug.

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Holy crap, it's still playing.
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And dancing. And flashing. And giving me nightmares.

Confirmed terror is much, much worse. I now know the only reason this thing hasn’t impaled me is that IT DOESN’T HAVE LEGS.

PS. Don’t tell me to look for batteries rational voices in my head. I saw Child’s Play. That’s when everything went from bad to worse. Next, my brain will be telling me to wander into my backyard after watching the news update on the local serial killer or take a vacation to Transylvania.

PPS. If anyone saw Child’s Play 3, please let me know how to defeat the castle. I was too traumatized after the first one to continue the series. The irony is not lost on me as I am now in the fight for my life against Cinderella’s castle clock death ticker. I am the true story the movie was based on. Also, time travel.

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