Second 6am picture

An Insomnia Update Because You Care

I have a cold and my insomnia is back so this post will probably be pointless, but I did want to give you an insomnia update.

Oh wait, I just did by writing “my insomnia is back,” and if I was a woman of few words instead of a blogger, I would stop typing. But I know that you want to know more because I’m psychic. Or just self-centered. TBD.

Remember back on March 20th when I asked you if I could die of morning? I said that I was committing to 30 days of waking up at 6 a.m. to force my sleep clock to readjust and my insomnia to get its butt kicked and perhaps most importantly, to be of better service to my family.

For the first 14 days, I did it no matter what. Kids up 13 times? Up at 6 a.m.. I don’t fall asleep until 3am? Up at 6 a.m.. Cats jump on my head at 5am? Up at 6 a.m.. I stuck to it because my word is my bond. Sir Alex carried on.

Those first few days, I was high from lack of sleep. The next few days I hated you. After that Scott would say everyday: It’s so NICE to have you up and awake in the morning. And I would smile and fall asleep. Okay I would smile, spend 16 hours doing stuff, then fall asleep. BUT I WAS FALLING ASLEEP AT 10 p.m.. It was amazing and exhausting and I couldn’t tell if I was happy or depressed or this was just what normal felt like.

Then my plan was attacked by life. First, my daughter went through a phase where she climbed into our bed every night.

My daughter and her sucka mama
I may be a sucker, but I'm the best kind of sucker.

I would have to shut off my alarm because I couldn’t create an exhausted disaster of a child each morning. N is my sleep-until-7-a.m. baby who  doesn’t nap anymore so she needs as much nighttime sleep as possible. For a few days, I woke up at 5:55 a.m., but my body began to catch on to the no-alarm and tried to sleep a little more each day.

I finally shift N to the guest room, then I got sick. I debated whether I should still get up at 6 a.m., but my doctor-self knew that rest would mean the difference between being sick for a week or for 3.

After that, we went away for Spring Break to become survivalists. I tried to get back on track in the middle of the woods, but I didn’t set my alarm everyday so I was doomed to failure. Insomnia is strong and vaguely appealing.

We got home, and I never set my alarm again. Plus, Scott started reading the Game of Thrones series (am I supposed to out you?) and was up until all hours. At first I resisted and went to bed, but soon, I reveled in it. I had a late night buddy! My husband has always been early to bed, early to rise, which has been a bone of contention in our marriage: whose circadian rhythm is better and who should change. (Okay the fights aren’t EXACTLY like that but they pretty much boil down to those 2 questions.) I was so happy to have him on MY schedule. Of course, once he finished the first 4 books, he was snoring by 10:30 p.m. and I had completely screwed up my sleep schedule.

Now, I’m back to just laying and staring and thinking for hours and trying desperately to make up for it in the morning hours. Except the insomnia is made even worse with the knowledge that I can set my alarm for 6 a.m. and begin the miserable process all over again to start falling asleep at a decent hour.

See you at midnight. And at 6 a.m. again. Soon. One day. After this cold ends. Probably.

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Let the Lesson Begin photo

How To Pee In The Ocean

As a parent, I believe one of my most important jobs is to impart life skills, which allow my children to navigate the success and happiness I hope for them.

Skills such as not having to leave the beach to pee in 10 easy steps.

Let the Lesson Begin photo
Let the lesson begin

1. Once you realize that you have to pee, do not announce: I’M GOING TO PEE IN THE OCEAN.

2. Double-check with yourself: Do I have to pee and poop? If you have to poop, immediately stop this lesson.

3. Choose an uncrowded ocean area so no one asks: What’s up with this warm spot? If that is not possible, feel free to respond back: What IS up with this warm spot?

4. Walk until you are waist deep in the water BEFORE peeing. If there are too many waves, consider sitting in a shallower area. Do not consider peeing down your leg.

5. Relax. Pretend there aren’t 50 people surrounding you wondering what you’re doing.

6. If you still can’t pee, remind yourself that those 50 people peed a few hours early. Do not remind yourself that they might have chosen the same spot.

7. Pee.

8. Do not announce: I’M DONE PEEING.

9. Shake your suit around a bit.

10. Nonchalantly, go back to burying your sister in the sand grateful you’ll never have to do the wet-bathing-suit-peel-off-in-the-beach-bathroom again.

Now that you’re feeling a little freer, catch up on my other life lessons such as How to High Five Yourself and How to Fart in Public. You’re welcome.

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