My Son’s Birth Story

I was lying on the green leather couch in our basement watching “Grey’s Anatomy” which I never watch (I don’t even really watch TV). It must have been 10 or 10:30. I felt this wetness between my legs. I put my hand in between my legs and stood up. It just kept coming out.

I told Scott: I think I’m peeing myself.
Then I realized: I think my water broke.

As another gush came out, Scott ushered me into the bathroom and I sat on the toilet and grinned that labor was going to begin. Scott and I then stressed about what to do next. We paged my midwife. We also looked at the amniotic fluid all over the basement and bathroom floor to see that it was clear. My midwife called back and asked us if it was clear and told us that if labor didn’t begin within six hours (by 5 a.m.) we had to come to the hospital for induction. I became very determined for my contractions to begin.

We also called our doula to let her know. She asked if we were okay or wanted her to come by. We said that we were fine and she asked that we give her a few hours notice before heading to the hospital or before we needed her if we could so she could find childcare.

I got really excited. Scott and I decided to walk to Kroger to get labor snacks and also to help start labor. As I walked around to get ready I kept having gushes of fluid. I thought water broke at once but it happened over hours! Scott had to follow me around with a towel, and we have towels and puddles all over the house. I wore a pink skirt and had to wear a pad. It was late but we walked smiling and excited to Kroger. My water kept gushing out, and I even got some on the floor at Kroger and had to change my pad there. We bought foods and drink (I can’t remember what) and as we were walking back through the dark parking lot, I had my first contraction. It was probably about 12:30.

We walked back home. The contractions weren’t bad at all. They were more exciting than anything and I kept not being 100% sure that they were real. We laid down in bed. My midwife had suggested that I sleep because who knows how long I could be in labor. I laid there and would wait tensely for the next contraction. I stared at the clock and the contractions were about 7-8 minutes apart. They started to feel more intense because they were all I could think about. Scott was nearly asleep – he was really tired. But I woke him up and said that I couldn’t sleep. Laying there made me fearful of the pain.

So we got up and Scott drank caffeine (tea?). In retrospect, I wish that I had slept. I wonder if I would have had more energy to walk around when I got stuck at 9 c.m. or more strength to push.

But Scott got music going on the computer and we danced. I bounced on our birthing ball and hung over it some. We also had this computer program to time contractions and it was supposed to map them out, but it didn’t work so Scott just wrote them on a piece of paper. We were scared that we wouldn’t realize that they were close together or far apart and would go to the hospital too soon or too late.

The contractions were not what I expected. They didn’t have a beginning, peak, end like everyone said. My contractions were this a dim feeling then suddenly I was like oh this is a contraction and then they would slowly dissipate and I would say oh it’s done. Scott would tell me that I needed to let him know more accurately but I couldn’t.

I picked up my labor project of sewing cloth wipes for E (which I still haven’t finished today!). I would sew and then stand up and sway or lean and walk around for the contractions then sit back down. Finally, around 6:30 a.m. I felt like it was time to go to the hospital. Scott was worried that we were going too soon, and I was going to be disappointed when my midwife measured my cervix (he didn’t say this until later), but I felt like the contractions were changing.

We let my midwife and doula know. My midwife said she was already heading over and our doula had figured out childcare and was coming too. So we went with our enormous suitcase into the station wagon.

In the wagon we had the windows down but I would roll mine up when a contraction came because I would groan and yell and push against the dashboard and I was worried that other people would wonder what the heck was going on in the car.

We parked in the staff lot. I think we parked on the top level. We forgot the parking pass so Scott had to call the parking people so we didn’t get tickets. We got there right at shift change for the nurse (7 a.m.). So here I am in Scott’s umbro shorts and a big button down shirt with a suitcase that I could fit in with big contractions coming every few minutes. As we walked, I would tell Scott: I’m having one. And we would pull off to the side of the hallway and I would lean a bit and breathe making no noise as streams of nurses and other staff walked by and then we would start again. D-deck seemed really far from the hospital that day. Plus there were stairs (although I think we took elevators – if not for me, then for the suitcase’s sake).

We finally got on the elevator that everyone takes to everything and I remember thinking: Do these people realize I’m in labor? We got off on the labor and delivery floor and went to the front desk. They asked lots of questions which seemed ridiculous at the time because I was in LABOR. I remember my midwife coming over and then I got kind of spacey. I know that I was sitting in the chair but I was tired and Scott was bustling around me.

Then we went to the room and Scott put out our picture and some other things around the LDRP (Labor-Delivery-Recovery-Postpartum) room which we found out was no longer “P” anymore. I got hooked up to the fetal monitor which I was not happy about. Sometimes I wish that I had waited longer to come to the hospital. Maybe I would have had an easier labor. Up until the hospital, it was easy. Scott says that he is glad we went when we did. That I was right to want to go because he couldn’t imagine getting me to the hospital once I got so spacey like that (labor land). I kept trying to get off the fetal monitor. It would slip off and I was glad. Finally I was released by my midwife.

I had to get blood drawn and I didn’t want an IV holder placed even though I felt like my midwife thought that I should. I hate those catheters and IVs in general. I was at 4 c.m. and my midwife told me that getting there was the longest part.

I began to walk around with Scott and I would fall to the floor with a contraction and my midwife or doula would massage my back or butt as Scott stayed by my head. I remember having trouble figuring out how to get comfortable between contractions. That was a feeling I would have for the rest of the labor. I remember going to the bathroom at one point. I remember climbing into the bed, which before labor I had sworn that I wanted nothing to do with the hospital bed.

I got stuck at 9 c.m. (later I found out that it was around 11 a.m.). I didn’t want to get out of the bed, and I couldn’t get comfortable because I was in transition and the contraction just kept coming and coming. I remember people trying to get me in other positions, but I just couldn’t move from my side. I wanted it to end. I want someone to cut the baby out of me. Anything to stop the feeling of being out-of-control. I was so frustrated. My midwife suggested that I push because maybe I could push him past the little lip of cervix that was hanging out. Sometimes I wonder if I hadn’t started pushing so early, maybe I wouldn’t have torn. I wanted to climb the walls and just find some way to rest for just a bit. I had to pee, and my midwife suggested peeing in the bed but I couldn’t. So we went to the bathroom, but I got immediately back in bed. I wish now that I had moved around more.

Anesthesia had forgotten to consent me earlier for IVs and epidurals (it’s hospital procedure) so they showed up in the midst of all this to consent me. I told everyone that I wanted an epidural. Scott said: If you get up and into the shower like our midwife says and you still want an epidural afterwards, fine. But you have to do everything else that you can first.

I knew that I wasn’t getting out of bed so I knew that I wasn’t getting an epidural.

I remember signing the papers because my midwife thought that I could use an IV. I had eaten some honey earlier from my doula, but I couldn’t keep up with my water and sugar intake. Honestly, I agreed to the IV because I thought it was one step closer to a C-section or epidural. My doula didn’t want me to sign the paper at all.

I remember having to pee again and just peeing in the bed. I also pooped in the bed. At some point, my midwife told me that God and I would get through. (She later told me that she read it off a poster that I had made for my hospital room.) I was told to lean over the top of the bed for pushing. I tried but in between pushing I was so uncomfortable and I desperately needed to rest in between. Not that I could figure out how to do that. It felt like the pushing contractions came so often. I would make up my mind not to push on the next contraction, but it would come and I would have to push. I kept asking why E wasn’t coming? Why was it taking so long? His head would come and go back up. I began to give up hope that he would come at all. I was so tired.

Then Scott suggested that I reach down between my legs. I felt his head in my vagina. I couldn’t believe that he was there. I felt this surge of energy, and I pushed like a crazy person. I kept pushing with each contraction. Also, at some point I got put back on the fetal monitor, and I felt like people were getting worried but then it was okay.

Then his head came out and I remember screaming: get him out get him out.

The obstetrician on-call was there (she had been by earlier and said hi, but I didn’t know why she was there now). She spoke loudly: Get the baby out NOW. And I was flung onto my back and terrible pressure was put on my abdomen. Pop! He came out.

I was so relieved. I didn’t even care about anything else except that it was over.

My midwife cut the cord and someone laid E on me and I shook and cried. I cried because I was so glad it was done not because I was seeing my baby for the first time. I felt worried that I would blame E for not coming so I worked hard from that first minute to bond with him. I was so scared that I wouldn’t connect with him after my difficult labor.

And it wasn’t even over yet. When E came out, he was blue and they were doing blow-by with this ridiculously large oxygen mask and he wasn’t crying and Scott was flicking his feet (because his doctor impulses took over) and finally E cried.

Meanwhile I was bleeding and bleeding and my uterus wasn’t clamping down. And when I remembered that I was going to have to get the placenta out, I just couldn’t believe that there was more to do. But I don’t remember that part being too bad except I was so tired of people being at my vagina and things coming out of it.

When the uterus wouldn’t clamp down I remember my midwife looking worried and her massaging my stomach although it wasn’t a nice massage. It hurt and I was frustrated that I had to go through any more pain. Then my uterus cooperated and I found out about my tear.

I had a severe fourth degree. Basically I was ripped in half from my vagina thru anus and the obstetrician said that she wanted to do a spinal and bring me to the OR to sew me up.

I was scared. Agreeing to the spinal was easy because I was even more scared of any further pain. But I was terrified of being without E and Scott in the OR by myself. I thought that after all that work, I would be really messed up emotionally if they couldn’t be with me.

The anesthesiologist and obstetrician and everyone said that Scott and E could come into the OR, but they had to wait until after I got the spinal. I remember thinking as my legs went numb that I was glad to have had an unmedicated labor. I would have not felt like I was apart of his birth otherwise.

Scott and E came into the OR. I held E and even tried to breastfeed while the obstetrician and two residents sewed for an hour. I remember my blood dripping to the floor of the OR. And Scott in the “spacesuit.” And I didn’t recognize my midwife in the mask.

I felt good that Scott and my midwife and E were all there and that God had given me this great anesthesiologist who let me breastfeed and obstetrician who was so nice. I didn’t really like that residents were sewing too because this was MY anus and MY vagina, but I didn’t say anything.

Then they were done and we went back to the LDRP room and our doula was still there with food for Scott. My midwife had to leave. And our doula left, and it was just the three of us. Oh, before our doula went, she took a picture of us which was nice.

Then the postpartum nurse tried to take E up to the nursery before we went up to the postpartum floor (two levels above us), and we had to say no multiple times before she realized that the baby was staying.

I felt more bonded towards him and really grateful to Scott for saying so many things right. I was so glad that my midwife and doula had been through this with me, too. I’m not sure if I understood any of the consequences to the 4th degree tear at that point.

We get a new nurse who was great and we went upstairs and we got unpacked and the nurse gave me lanolin which was so helpful for breastfeeding over the next few weeks. I kept making sure that I said to everyone: BOTH E and I went through a lot in the labor because I was still scared that I wouldn’t bond as much because of such a difficult process.

A few weeks later, I met with an obstetrician who specialized in fourth degree tears and she said three things:

1. She had never seen a tear as bad as mine (nor had my my midwife who has been practice for thirty years) and she was disappointed no one paged her during my ordeal.
2. I was beyond lucky to not be regularly pooping myself.
3. I had to have cesarean births from now on. Or I would be fecal incontinent after my next vaginal birth

I cried on and off about this “diagnosis” for months and again when I got pregnant with N. But today I am at peace with both my children’s birth stories.