I know I’ve tried to be fashionable in the past, but I’ve finally accepted my fashion-forward is more of a fashion-sideways, which means I’m ready to give you a top ten list of fashion and beauty tips! Obviously!
- Buy many pairs of nude-colored underwear until seeing underwear through skirts and leggings is in. (I’ve tried to trend it many times, but so far, I’m unsuccessful. I hoping the title of this post helps.)
- Grow your hair long to cover up your bra straps in boat-neck shirts and when your strapless bra is missing. (Also, Google “boat-neck” to make sure you haven’t misused it.)
- While you’re at it, cut bangs so when your forehead breaks out, no one knows. I plan to nicknamed mine “CC” for “Cheap Clearasil” or maybe ITOFT for “I’m Too Old For This.”
- Buy jeans that are too long and wish them shorter.
- Buy as many maxi dresses and long skirts as you can afford so you don’t have to shave your legs all summer.
- When you get a new shirt home, especially if it’s silk or rayon or just your favorite purchase ever, cover your fingertips in butter and touch the shirt in multiple spots so when you head out in it for the first time and drip salad dressing, oil, or butter, it’ll blend well.
- Buy something that’s a little too tight because “it will stretch” and feel good when you give a never-been-worn pair of jeans and shoes to Goodwill a year later.
- Don’t bother with mirrors so you’ll have a great time while never knowing the ten-year-old bikini you’re wearing is way too small for your postpartum body until you browser the beach trip photos… at home.
- Flip through magazines and Pinterest beauty and fashion tips only at night so you don’t ever actually buy anything to put them into practice.
- Keep wearing your clothing because everything eventually comes back into style — even culottes.
Don’t bother thanking me. Just stand behind me at the supermarket so my panty lines don’t offend people.