Five Easy Ways To Ruin Valentine’s Day

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I’m tired of having amazing Valentine’s Days so I’m implementing these tried-and-true methods instead:

1) Plan nothing because if I had a dollar for every time I was lonely, I could become rich on Valentine’s Day.

2) If I have to do something, keep what I really want for Valentine’s Day a secret until after my partner has planned the day, then half-smile, shrug and sigh, “It’s fine.” Saint Valentine isn’t going to be the only martyr around here.

3) Even though my husband took the day off for Valentine’s Day so we didn’t get a babysitter, feel sorry for myself during dinner when EVERYONE else is out at fancy restaurants. I’ll only get to do that for breakfast and lunch, and I’ll forget to take photos of my food so it didn’t even happen!

4) As my Valentine’s Day meanders into THE WORST, I’ll declare it a “Hallmark Holiday,” post a few links to the REAL Saint Valentine, and high-five all my too-cool-for-paper-hearts friends because if my time is awful, your good time is fake.

5) Finally, I’ll spend the following morning of this fake holiday on Facebook measuring my special time against everyone else’s and being sure to hold all its shortcomings in my heart through Mother’s Day.

Who knew how easy it was to ruin a day? Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all! Have a crappy time if you want!

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

12 thoughts to “Five Easy Ways To Ruin Valentine’s Day”

  1. I just stopped at plan nothing, but thanks for all of the other ideas. I am going to have to work extra hard to find some too cool for paper heart friends to high-five since most of my friends are complete dorks that practically walk around with hearts glued to their foreheads all day, but at least I’ll have one more thing to feel bad about, right?

    1. I think I’ve hidden all my too cool friends on Facebook and I didn’t talk to anyone IRL on Valentine’s Day so I couldn’t even thank anyone for their anti-vday screed.
      PS. You have good friends.

  2. I got to make dinner, wash the dishes, yell at the kid for flicking the dog in the face with some weird ball with tentacles on it that was my Christmas present from him and I still have no idea what the eff it is, and then my husband subjected me to watching Diggers…yes…oh yes he did.
    I’m now enjoying Sprite because no one bought me wine.
    Happy V-day

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