cat on vet's computer

My Cat Told Off The Vet. He Will Be Crowned King Of The Cats.

We brought Loki, my 12-year-old cat, to vet because he had peed on everything from unicorn shirts to towels to my husband’s shorts. He’s not just trying to get rid of one person, he’s yelling at us all.

At first, I wasn’t sure which cat it was. We have four because I believe the one cat per human house rule will save us from the zombies. This means my cats always have the perfect alibi. Who scratched the couch? Who puked in the hall? They just look at each other and meow accusingly until reasonable doubt is established and everyone gets off scot-free  However, I walked in on Loki popping a squat on a bath mat just before I was going to throw it in the wash. It was vaguely thoughtful of him to chose a dirty mat, but in doing so, he pissed away his chance of not going to THE VET.

When we arrived at our appointment, Loki immediately went to the vet’s computer and emailed his friends about the indignities he was about to suffer. He facebooked a few one liners about how badly Scott drives and the terrible smells in the room – hashtag #vetssuck #parentssuck

cat on vet's computer
I’m telling all my friends how you brought me here and how unfair it is. And don’t tell me life is unfair. I’M SOMEWHERE BETWEEN 60 and 84 CAT YEARS OLD. I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS BS ANYMORE.

The vet assistant took some information along with Loki’s weight and urine and left. Loki went back to the warmth of the computer as we waited for our vet. The same one who helped us through Loki’s ear infection a year ago.

The door then opened setting the stage for what would be the greatest cat moment since ancient Egypt. I was on one side of the room blocked by the exam table facing Loki and the vet entering the room. They were about a foot apart on the same wall, and Scott was to my right.

Time slowed as we all said hi and I glanced back at Loki who, after looking at the vet, crouched down. Suddenly a big eff you came from his butt, and I slo-mo yelled: HE’S ABOUT TO POOP ON YOUR COMPUTER.

Our vet grabbed paper towels, but it was too late. LOKI CRAPPED ALL OVER THE VETERINARIAN’S COMPUTER. He even made eye contact a few times while at work. I could hear the faint cheers of cats everywhere.

After a few seconds of stunned silence, I said: I’m not sure whether to be proud or ashamed.

My vet: At least we’re able to rule in behavioral issues and rule out diarrhea.

At that, Loki walked over to the sink to clean up.

Loki in sink
My work here is done.

PS. All the labs are normal. He is just literally pissed at us right now.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

16 thoughts to “My Cat Told Off The Vet. He Will Be Crowned King Of The Cats.”

  1. In Germany, a local farmer gave us, of all things an Egyptian Siamese. She was black and we named her Shadow that Comes like the Night. At one point we thought she was knocked up so I took her to a German Vet. He stuck a swab into her Hoo Hoo and she went Ballistic. After a few laps around his exam room, there was nothing left on the counters and if it was glass it was broken on the floor.

    He charged me 30 Marks (about 20 America). I asked if she was preggers and he said “I don’t know”. I said, “Well, then I don’t know if I’ll pay you”. He said, “Fair enough.” and I walked out.

  2. I think we all want to know who cleaned up the poop.

    I feel your pain- I had an elderly cat who peed everywhere, too. (Well, never on belongings, just floors. All of them except the kitchen.) The vets were stumped, especially since she was a spayed female and supposedly that is unheard of. They never figured it out. (They also never seemed to understand the importance of figuring it out. I wanted to invite them over to smell my home.) Good luck getting answers!

    1. I wasn’t really sure what to offer to do, but the vet got some paper towels in there after the initial shock wore off and then asked his staff to sterilize the computer. I have no idea how that works, and I’m happy in my ignorance.

      Cat pee is the worst, but I’m hopefully this is a a short-lived phase of stress pee. You and your elderly cat should’ve garnered way more sympathy for your vet.

  3. Very funny! Of course, I don’t have to clean up the computer, but still! Kitty knows how to get a message across.

  4. Holy crap (pun kind of intended except I don’t want Loki to think I’m deeming him some sort of spiritual guru, although he probably does hold that title among feline friends after this incident.) Wow. The fact you also have pictures to document this occasion is both impressive and a little bit troubling, but only because it’s not your computer.

    Anyway, I cracked up reading this. Then I flashed back to flinging my cat off the carpet onto the tile last night when I heard her start puking. Now that I think about it, I think she was headed for my computer. Thanks for the heads up…

    1. Here’s how the photos came to be:
      I took the first photo because I thought I would write a funny post about Loki emailing/tweeting his friends that we took him to the vet. This is after the vet assistant had been okay with Loki being on the computer (I had removed him once). I had no idea in just a few minutes the vet would enter, and Loki would start pooping on the computer. I’m pretty sure no one could have predicted his awesome plan.
      And the follow-up sink picture was just too perfect post-attack to not take.
      I actually said NO to Scott taking a photo of Loki actually crapping on the computer although he didn’t listen so I have proof for any non-believers of this story. However, the photo is after the vet chose to leave the poop and Loki on his computer with paper towels around him rather than remove him (the vet was closest to the cat and we followed his lead as it was his computer). Loki kept at it for quite a while as though stored up his moves for this occasion.
      While writing this post up, I decided last minute that the full-on action shot of crap coming out of Loki’s butt was too much even with a disclaimer at the top of the post.

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