Cat In Shorts

My Cats Are Trying To Eliminate My Husband

When my husband and I started dating, we would sit together on the couch holding hands or leaning into one another, hearts racing, while we watch a movie until Loki heard the thump thump. My 14-pounder would lumber over and with claws and butt-wiggles and sheer force of alpha-cat-will, he would squeeze in between us because the only male in my life was to be him.

Over the last decade, we’ve lived with Loki and Juno and had other cats come and go from our lives. We believe everything was going relatively smooth except when the cats were stressed or it was the fourth Tuesday of the month and Virgo was in line with Uranus forcing a rogue feline to pee outside the litter box. We lived in denial until this past year when we admitted that, 95% of the time, the pee landed squarely on Scott’s clothing.

We also noted that, while all cats love to rub up against things, some of our cats will rub against Scott’s clothing and shoes like a bride trying to get a red wine stain out of her dress before walking down the aisle. They are scrubbing his shoes and shorts and smell out FOR ALL OF ETERNITY.

Cat In Shorts
I actually have video of Nugget doing this to Scott’s shorts for well over a minute until I got bored.

After Scott did some cat research, it turns out that’s exactly what they are doing.

Scott: Alex, the cats are trying to eliminate me.

Me: What?

Scott: That’s why they rub against all my stuff for like 30 minutes and pee on only my stuff. They are attempting to stamp out my scent, which, in the cat world, would eradicate me from this world.

Me: Wow. Loki and Juno have been with me since before you came so that makes some sad sense, but I can’t believe they’ve recruited Nugget to help defeat you. You only have Huckle.

Scott: I only have Huckle.

Scott {turning to the cats who have gathered around us}: I change your litter box all the time.

Me: The way to a cats heart is by feeding them. They don’t care if you are the litter changer. They mostly want a clean litter just so they can immediately crap in it.

Scott: Plus, I read that they use poop to mark their territory, which is why they like to poop outside of the litter box sometimes. Like a tiny flag made of stink.

Me: Oh my gawd, they are going to poop a little circle around you. Crap you into a corner so they whole house can be theirs and mine again.

Scott: What do I do?

Me: You feed them dinner. Forever.

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Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

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