New Black Dress

I Was Never Supposed To Be This Socially Awkward

This morning, I pulled off the tags of a new dress from Christmas. I thought black was fitting because it was a funeral pyre out there at 90 degrees in April.

New Black Dress
I thought looking away would make selfies better. I was both right and wrong.

The back has a shiny gold zipper irresistible to 3-year-old girls. After preschool, N zipped and unzipped it until her ear distracted her. Luckily, I have a built-in pediatrician who diagnosed her with earwax. She then diagnosed herself with Jucious Otitis, which meant much crying about her ear when she did not have juice.

Between the negotiating and comforting, we piled into the car to pick up her brother from kindergarten, and she promptly fell asleep. She woke up just in time for me to run in with a groggy girl, who had lost the ability to walk, to find a tired boy covered head to foot in dirt.

I chatted with some parents while juggling my kids back to the car as E and N acted like they spent Spring Break partying 24-7 and were still recovering. We finally buckled in as their tears dried up only to have mine begin when I reached back to realized that my dress had been unzipped the entire trip.

Embarrassing Zipper
This is a reenactment.

My son immediately said, I didn’t notice, because he’s sweet and oblivious.

I called my husband, who refused to agree to pick up our son for the rest of the school year, but promised: You dress so funky they probably thought it was supposed to look like that.

He also suggested a hoodie and sunglasses for the next few weeks. Done.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

32 thoughts to “I Was Never Supposed To Be This Socially Awkward”

  1. Welcome to my club… I used to call it pride long before pride became socially important. I have gone braless in my “save second base”to the school to pick up kids or drop food to priests. I wear two different shoes to the grocery store and dressing up completely alludes me. Luckily you are adorable and can pull it off 🙂

  2. That is cruel. Someone should have given you a heads up!

    That being said, you totally wore a dress, and had your hair down! I haven’t been able to accomplish that in… I don’t remember the last time I was able to accomplish that. 🙁

  3. No worries unless you notice a shift to more Dads picking kids up than Moms. Especially if they are lurking by the door wondering what will happen next. Suggest wearing two different shoes next time. Make one a sandal and they’ll soon forget the whole Zipper Debacle.

    1. From now on all my undergarments will match my dresses no matter what color the dress is JUST IN CASE OF MALFUNCTION. It sounds like a great excuse to have an fantastic bra and underwear collection.

  4. Oh honey. I feel for you. But seriously? Not as bad as the “skirt of dress tucked into pantyhose” phenomenon. Which has happened to me not once, but TWICE. And alcohol was NOT involved. EITHER time. *bangs head on desk*

    1. Hey, that’s totally true. Thanks! Heh.

      Ps. I did do the pantyhose one once, too, which gives me hope I’ll forget this one eventually. I guess I’d never heard or thought anyone would ever not realize their dress was unzipped? I dunno. I’ve also had a stunningly bad on the self-esteem why-are-people-mean two weeks so it was ill-timed.

  5. I love that your sweet boy didn’t even notice.
    Clearly you’re raising him to recognize the important things in life.
    Not wardrobes.

    Still, I feel your pain.
    I once spent hours at a park with a bunch of beautifully dressed mothers and came home to discover that I had a long strip of silver duct tape stuck to the butt of my sweat pants.

    As if sweats weren’t humiliating enough. They must have all thought I’d tried to TAPE my clothes together.

    Forget green – it’s not easy being awkward. At all.

  6. Every year or so I’ll go through a few weeks where I’m unable to remember to zip my pants for some reason.

    It happens every year, without fail.

    And the only person who is ever helpful about it is my dear wife. Though for her it’s much more about the opportunity to laugh at me.

    BTW, I would’ve just assumed it was supposed to be like that. But I’m dumb.

  7. I am laughing hysterical and mortified for you all at the same time! That is a fear of mine…ok, not so much a fear as something I can see happening to myself – like a pants zipper or my skirt tucked into my underwear. AHHHH! How did no one tell you?! Maybe they too didn’t know. Oy vey…the grocery store!

  8. Even though it’s unzipped, your dress is so cute (not to mention those red shoes!) that you still look far more put together than I do when I drop off or pick up my child at preschool. Some days I’m pretty sure the teachers suspect I’m still in my pajamas. And some days I might be.

    1. Thanks! I like to keep everyone at school on their toes because I’ve also gone in my pajamas (I actually have a post in drafts getting called out about that — by my kids not parents.)

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