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I Need An American Horror Story Bodyguard

by Alex Iwashyna

in Is It Just Me?

I don’t watch horror movies because I can still picture Chucky’s face in this little peek-a-boo area of the basement stairs after I watched Child’s Play at a sleepover, and I think my insomnia started with A Nightmare on Elm Street because I still hear little kids’ singing:

One, two, Freddy’s coming for you.
Three, four, better lock your door.
Five, six, grab your crucifix.
Seven, eight, gonna stay up late.
Nine, ten, never sleep again

The last horror movie I attempted was The Ring, and I considered it an excellent Christmas gift that year JUST IN CASE.* *If you haven’t seen The Ring, this line makes no sense. If you have seen it, this line is pretty clever.

However, my husband notices American Horror Story on Netflix and thinks to give it a whirl while I am in the kitchen.

Well, the blood curling screams draw me in and the anxiety attack keeps me barely able to move for the rest of the hour. My Facebook status while still able to type during the first 10 minutes is:

American Horror Story FB status

I’m watching American Horror Story for the first time. I’m three heart attacks in.

Scott actually turns off the pilot episode twice mostly because he isn’t sure if I am comatose, but I wake up just enough to yell at the black screen: NO, I must see it until the end.

Scott: But, why? Let’s just stop. It’s creepy and who cares.

Me: Because I will make up even more horrible endings and never sleep again.

I clearly don’t know what I’m talking about because, no, I would’ve never come up with a stranger, more terrible ending, middle or beginning of a show, and my imagination can turn a creak of my cat on the floor board into a twisted serial killer in two pounds of my heart.

When the show finally releases me from its maniacal grip, Scott stands up, shrugs a bit and says: Well, that was weird. You let the dog out, and I’ll go upstairs to check on the kids.

I jump up and reply: You mean WE will let the dog out and then WE will check on the kids.

Following Scott around

This is as far as Scott is allowed to be at all times Friday night. He finds it ENDEARING.

However, I wake up the next day nightmare-free and check my calendar. Scott isn’t scheduled to travel for the next six months so I say: Ready to watch episode two tonight?

Scott: What? No. I’m never watching that show again.

Me: But I need to know what happens and I can’t watch it by myself. Oh and I’ll need to follow you around for hours afterwards ever time.

Scott: I have no interest in watching it. The show wasn’t uplifting.

Me: As opposed to The Walking Dead?

Scott: I didn’t like that show at first either.

Me: But you did EVENTUALLY.

Suddenly, a plan begins to form. I think back to all your Facebook replies to my American Horror Story vague cry for help status update because you always have answers to my problems.

Me: Alison reads the episode guides because the show gave her nightmares.

Scott: Awesome, I’m going to read those to you right now.

Me: NO! I might still convince you to watch with me. Just read a few and be intrigued.

Scott pulls up the synopses on his phone and within minutes yells: OMG!

Me: What is it? Does this mean you’ll watch it now?

Scott: No, never. But there’s a huge plot twist in season one.

Me: I hate you. Fine, can I watch the show again be myself or will I die?

Scott: Um, you’ll die.

So… who wants to come over and watch an episode of American Horror Story with me through my fingers followed by me trailing behind you for 2-3 hours until I’m calm enough to not have a bodyguard? Then we’ll all go to sleep in our respective beds and meet up again tomorrow night to do it all over again!

Okay, maybe I can see why Scott quit this job.

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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

Alison April 7, 2013 1

Hah! I’m sorry my method didn’t work, but man, the synopses are an intriguing (and detailed) read. Even *that* gave me chills and I kept peering over my shoulder for hours after. I may or may not have followed my 3 year old around that day too. Ahem.

So, episode 2?

And OMG, the twist! The twist!

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Alex Iwashyna April 7, 2013 2

Writing this post gave me the chills! especially rehashing old horror movies. {shivers}

You are killing me with THE TWIST. I’m going to have to give in some way or the other.

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Christi April 8, 2013 3

This sounds familiar. I love horror movies, but it’s really a love/hate relationship because I then follow my husband around like “you can’t leave me here to die!”. I found American Horror Story to be really weird. I almost didn’t continue the show, not out fear, just out of strangeness. I am normally not squicked by sex, but for some reason the sex in this show was just so bizarre and uncomfortable feeling. I of course did finish season 1, and am almost done with season 2. They’ve got me hooked.

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Alex Iwashyna April 8, 2013 4

Scott is like you — it’s not the fear that makes him unwilling to watch another episode but the oddness especially around relationships and sex being so unwell. I like dark things so for me it’s definitely the fear factor.

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Christi April 8, 2013 5

Also, yes! The twist!! :D they’re good with the twists!

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Kristin @ What She Said April 8, 2013 6

So addicted to this show. I actually thought Season 1 had a happy ending, in a twisted sort of way. Season 2 was even more depraved, but again I thought it had a happy ending. I’m like Alison – I read all of Jeff Jensen’s recaps on EW before I watch each episode, so I know what to expect and when to cover my eyes. And I could never watch the opening of S1 – too creepy with all the babies and whatnot.

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Alex Iwashyna April 9, 2013 7

I’m not sure if it was the happy ending part or what but your comments (and others) helped convince Scott to watch it with me,and Episode 2 was way less intense than the pilot so that helped, too. Yay! And I definitely cover my eyes and watch through my fingers. It helps when the show is VERY TINY.

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Kristin @ What She Said April 9, 2013 8

FWIW, I initially felt the same way Scott did after I watched the pilot. I was like, “This is way to intense. I watch TV for escapism, not to get stressed out and depressed.” I was thisclose to bagging the entire series altogether. But I stuck with it and I’m so glad I did. Yes, it’s intense and somewhat depressing – it is called American Horror Story, after all. It’s basically a social commentary on many things that are wrong with our country. It’s not supposed to make you feel good; it’s supposed to make you think. And it does. I watch The Americans for the same reason – because it makes me think and it offers brilliant insight (I think) into the inner workings of marriage in general. If you haven’t seen it yet, I highly recommend it.

And then I go watch Glee or Dallas as brain candy. ;)

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julie gardner April 8, 2013 9

Your post makes me want to go watch this show RIGHT NOW!

(If you, Alison and Kristin are this…ummm….moved by a single episode, there must be something special about it. Or irrevocably twisted.)

p.s. I watched The Blair Witch Project the night after my aunt had given my daughter a life-sized blond doll for Christmas – we had it propped up in the corner of the living room and when I came downstairs in the middle of the night for a glass of water and saw it there in the dark, I almost died of the scary.

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Alex Iwashyna April 9, 2013 10

HA! When I watched the Blair Witch Project, I made a promise to never go camping again. I seriously was scarred for years and other people just got motion sickness.

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Nagzilla April 9, 2013 11

I was one of those motion sick people. I was so annoyed because I’d heard it was so good, and by the end all I could think was “I made myself sick for THIS?!?” Major letdown.

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Nagzilla April 9, 2013 12

I’m not a big fan of bloodletting, which is why I avoid gorey horror movies, but a good suspense movie will give me that three hour have-to-have-someone-in-the-room-with-me paranoia. Have you ever seen the movie “Just Cause”? Yeah, that spooked me more than Freddy ever could.

We have a sort of similar issue with zombie movies at our house, only it’s my husband that gets freaked out. We started watching “Shaun of the Dead” and about halfway through my husband wanted to turn it off. “It’s freaking me out. I’m going to have nightmares.” I said, “You watch ’24′ and ‘Clear and Present Danger’ and other terrorist shows that have a much more realistic chance of ever actually happening, and you’re freaked out by zombies?” “Yes. I don’t care. I can’t watch this.”

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Alex Iwashyna April 9, 2013 13

I don’t think I’ve seen Just Cause — I’m IMBD it to be sure and then I’ll INQ (Instant Netflix Queue – I don’t know what I’m doing) it.

I don’t like the uber-gore for gores-sake either, which makes me think Season 2 of American Horror Story may not be for me. I didn’t like that TV show Criminal Minds for that reason either — it was trying too hard to be too gross. But Law and Order SVU I watched all 12 seasons and that was intense but it wasn’t trying so hard I thought.

My husband loved Shaun of the Dead, but the first few episodes of The Walking Dead were too stressful for him. He started mentally preparing how to save us from the zombie attack (more so than we’ve been doing for years as is — I mean we both read World War Z). I think for my husband it all depends on how the show approaches the suspense, family issues and gore.

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Jen April 9, 2013 14

I have heard so much about this show and I’m curious but I hate, no love, no hate, no love, no hate horror movies. It’s a complicated relationship.

I want to watch but do I? Maybe in the day time?

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Alex Iwashyna April 9, 2013 15

Exactly.

Ps. Episode 2 is easier to watch than the pilot so I would watch both before you decide whether to continue. (The pilot should NOT be watched alone.)

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Lily from It's A Dome Life April 16, 2013 16

I can’t watch horror with my husband around because even though they are made up stories, he thinks they are real. Hours later he will ask, “How did she not wake up when her possessed boyfriend was standing by her bed staring at her for 8 hours?” or “What state did that happen in? I don’t want to accidentally buy that haunted house.” I’m always reminding him that it is a movie and not a documentary. We can’t watch scary TV shows either. I tried to watch Breaking Bad with him, but it scared him to much. He would wake me up in the middle of the night to discus it. Now I just stick to comedy unless I am home alone, which is almost never!

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