Yertle the Turtle and Me

My Kids Are Not Your Measuring Stick

Do you know those people who use your kids as excuses for things? Like when your family tries to include Great Aunt Myrtle in what is supposed to be a small family dinner by saying: Oh but your kids LOVE her. Well have I got the answer for you (they sound better spoken aloud because I decided to rhyme them).

Well, my kids also love stray cats covered in fleas.

Their own burps, dead worms and most rotting trees.

They cheer loud and clear whenever I say poop or if I decide to make a dinner of leftover soup.

I’m not really sure that they’re a great test for whether Aunt Myrtle would be a good guest.

Or I’ll be in a store trying to buy a birthday present for a kid that I don’t know, but my son insists is in his class. My kid is half-looking at a toy while I try to figure out what made-up-Jonny likes to do, and the salesperson wanders over and pretends that ALL THE KIDS LOVE whatever $50 crap my kid isn’t even looking at anymore.

Well, my kids also love shiny pennies on the ground.

And anything that makes loud, awful sounds.

I once bribed them with a lollipop I found in my glove box and the chance to wear my turquoise, teddy bear, heart socks.

So if you’ve decided to give a gift choice, I’m pretty sure my kids should not have a voice.

I figured if I spoke in rhymes to these people, they might actually listen. That’s how Dr. Seuss did it, right?

Yertle the Turtle and Me
Dr. Seuss and I just trying the change the world one rhyme at a time.

 

Or maybe I need more coffee.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents an 2 elementary age children, 4 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

10 thoughts on “My Kids Are Not Your Measuring Stick

  1. Changing the world one rhyme at a time?
    Count me in friend of mine!
    I think that’s a great plan of attack.
    and if that won’t work? We’ll give them a WHACK!
    xo
    You had me at Dr. Seuss

  2. At the zoo today we started a collection
    Of all sorts of great things, I probably should mention
    Three smallish rocks and one little gray feather
    A torn up brown leaf that’s seen lots of bad weather.
    Of course there are treasures amidst all the gunk
    But to get to those things
    You must weed through the junk.

    In other words, yes, if I invited home every person, animal and thing my child “LOVED,” we would be on some crazy reality show in a matter of days.

  3. I have found rhyming is just as helpful with oblivious people as it is with children. For some reason, the rhyming seems to break them out of their world that is focused only on what they think (which is always right, of course).
    I have used rhymes like,
    “Yes, my children do have two feet and always want lots to eat.
    This doesn’t mean they run the scene.
    So thank you for your thought that they need extra candy dots.
    My attempt to stretch my sanity so fine
    says their sugar high can wait for another time to dine.”
    My efforts need a bit more practice than yours.

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