Tying Knots in Socks

Where I Win The Longest War Of Our Marriage

I can track where Scott has been for the last week by his socks. He just takes them off wherever he is and there they lay — a trail of comings and goings. I finally gave up on convincing him THIS IS RIDICULOUS for my sanity and moved on to fighting about who gets the last of the hummus.

I was proud of myself for letting it go. I held it up to how awesome I am at this marriage business. I just gather up his socks and put them in the hamper, and I have not say a word for many, many year.

Then my son picked up a sock this weekend …

Tying Knots in Socks
E subtly manipulating Scott’s sock. Little do I know he’s about to rock my rebel world.

A few minutes later, E says: MAMA! MAMA, look what I did.

My eyes grow larger and larger as I think: Yes my son… look what you did. YOU PUT A KNOT IN THE MIDDLE OF SCOTT’S SOCK.

I realize the sock war is not over… I was merely biding my time. I am a sleeper cell ready to rise up against my husband and his on-the-floor socks, and now I have my secret weapon. My son and his new-found ability to tie knots. In socks. Socks he finds on the floor.

I swiftly and in front of my unsuspecting spouse, put my plan into motion: E, that is so great! You should practice whenever you find a sock around the house.

Scott looks at me, and I smile. It may have taken over 10 years, but victory is mine. ALL MINE.

Sock War Win


New marriages don’t try this at home. Yet.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

12 thoughts to “Where I Win The Longest War Of Our Marriage”

  1. Can I teach a cat to do that? Because my hubby has the uncanny ability to take his socks off and leave them THREE INCHES FROM THE HAMPER. Seriously. It drives me NUTS.

    Kudos to E. He’s a genius.

  2. My girls just add their socks to the random. Then my cats carry them to new spots. Chaos reigns and my mind crumbles slowly.

    Winning rocks. Even 10 years in. (we’re all sleeper cells in the battle of the hamper…)

  3. ACKCKKK!! Are all men born with the sock flaw? My hubs has it too… except he wears the ankle kind – virtually impossible to tie a knot in. DAMN IT! I lose. Still.

  4. Did I ever tell you about the time I asked my husband to please untangle his black socks from his tighty whiteys before throwing them in the hamper and the next time I rummaged, I found one black sock tied to each leg hole?

    I lost. But I laughed.

  5. Oh yes, and the time I screamed and the whole family came running because he didn’t see me rounding the corner and I took the underwear full-on in the face as he threw it into the hamper?

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