I Am Going To Become A Nun When Scott Leaves Or Dies And It Is Going To Rock (The Nun Part)

If Scott ever dies or dumps me, I’ve totally becoming an old school Vatican II nun. (I’m calling them old school because there’s a new conservative movement in the Catholic church that all OMG Vatican II went too far lets go hide away again in our nun habits and judge the poor people and Oh how I miss Latin. I guess those guys could be new old school and the Vatican II nuns could still be new school, but aren’t we just mincing words now?)

My new nun-ness is going to be awesome. I verified my plan with an NPR story, which we know how well my NPR-no-AC plan went so I’m all set to go! Once the kids are 18, I’ll be ministering to the voiceless in death row like in the movie Dead Man Walking or in the Marcy Projects like Jay-Z.


Honestly, Vatican II nuns are pretty much me without husband, kids and an iPhone. I believe in compassion for the compassionless, helping addicts instead of declaring war, and that people are inherently good (okay that last one isn’t quite Catholic with original sin and all but maybe we can find common ground in everyone is redeemable?). Also:

  1. Nuns live in crappy apartments in crappy neighborhoods. When I met Scott, I lived on a street that was routinely shut down by the police and my neighbor was killed in a drug gang hit. I’ll be right at home.
  2. Nuns love God. I love God.
  3. Nuns don’t wear habits. I don’t wear habits.
  4. Nuns think poverty is more important than “bedroom issue” (abortion, birth control, gay rights). I think poverty is important and the bedroom issues are misunderstood red herrings at best and intolerant hatred at their worst. Close enough.
  5. Nuns don’t have husbands. I won’t have a husband anymore and my kids will be old enough to let me get my nun on.

I really can’t see anything going wrong here.

Quick question: Can nun’s smoke about 1/2 pack a day? Because that’s my other plan when Scott dies.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

11 thoughts to “I Am Going To Become A Nun When Scott Leaves Or Dies And It Is Going To Rock (The Nun Part)”

  1. If you become a nun, I want to become a mime when my hubs goes. They are awkward and everyone knows it. No more having to pretend I’m less awkward.

  2. Not your point at all, but I clicked over to your smoking post, and I’m totally doing the 80 year old smoking thing, too. I also miss it sometimes … like when I envision my alternate life as a writer in a chilly garret somewhere, smoking in fingerless gloves (also? What’s wrong with me? I can’t get a more glamorous alternate life?)

  3. Another great thing about nuns? They seem to find themselves in musicals quite often (Sound of Music, Sister Act,…..there must be more). This could help you to finally fulfill your dream of living in a musical.

    Just make sure you do this before you take smoking back up.

    Also, my 80 year old smoking plans would involve a pipe. Pipes feel so writerly to me. Writerly is not actually a word, but if you type it while smoking a pipe, I think it might magically become one. I will test this in about 50 years.

  4. What an admirable plan you have here. I think that you’ll rock the nun world. As for smoking? I’d use the Mother Superior in the movie Agnes of the Gods as your role model. She knew her ciggies– and was in charge.

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