Here’s Winking At Me, Kid (UPDATE)

I have trouble distinguishing my left from my right. When I hold up my hands, they both look like Js to me. But one quirk has gotten me through for a long time… I can only wink my left eye.

I guess the muscles of the left side of my face are just more agile and strong. They aren’t as needy. My left eye is an independent eye.

Winking Face
Hey baby.

My right side demands that everyone does what its doing. I’M CLOSED SO EVERYONE SHOULD CLOSE RIGHT NOW. And it’s always been that way, which is good because I can quickly remember which way is left or right.

I never wanted anyone to know that I couldn’t remember my right from my left though because it seemed like such basic knowledge. I was heading to an Ivy League school and all my classmates to my left thought that I was hitting on them in physics.

One day, I said to myself: Alex, we are going to embrace our oddness. And just as the second toe being longer than the big toe is a sign of royalty (or so I’ve heard and thought while looking at my feet), I deemed being able to only wink my left eye as is a sign of being a god. What? I was the only one I knew with this quirk so why not make it mean something fantastic?

The problem with this plan of god-hood is over that the years, I have been strengthening my right side. I’ve been practicing right-eye winking when no one was looking because I want to be a fully winky mortal with just enough of difference to still find my way home with google map and taking a left turn or a right turn.

I’ve gotten pretty good as of late.

Right winky eye

 Okay fine. I’m still a god. At least, I’ll never get lost. Or die.

PS. I’ve never taken my picture winking my right eye. OMG I can’t believe how many times I’ve done that in public while I’m explaining my weird left eye right eye phenomenon. I thought the looks were just about how freaky my ability to wink only one side was. I was so very wrong.

UPDATE: PPS. Thanks to Megan’s comment, I’ve decided that anyone who sends me a picture of themselves testing that right-eye wink before Friday (because you know you’ll do it while reading), I’ll put it in my Friday post. So far I have one. She’ll be a STAR!

PPPS. Remember that the camera is like a mirror when taking selfies.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents an 2 elementary age children, 4 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

17 thoughts on “Here’s Winking At Me, Kid (UPDATE)

    1. If you take pictures, I will totally post them on Friday’s post even if it sadly prove your human mortality. Maybe you can be like Iron Man or something instead. Or Batman/girl.

  1. I can only wink my right eye (had to think about it for awhile because I too do not know my right from my left… I’m killer with cardinal directions tho’). And the longer second toe is associated with willfulness… but I’m willing to go with the we are gods theory!!

  2. Okay I had no idea you couldn’t tell your left from your right naturally either. I’ve never been able to, thank goodness for the mole on my right arm.
    Your wink is way better than mine, when I don’t look as scary as I do right now I will wink and send it to you. Probably. I need to see the picture before I commit. ;)
    Jessica recently posted..Dear Ann Coulter

  3. “the second toe being longer than the big toe is a sign of royalty”
    Wait, wait, wait….what is this royalty crap?!? Perhaps it’s a regional thing, but when I was a kid, our mythology said that a long second toe meant you were a VAMPIRE! And not one of those ridiculous sparkly nonsense ones. Real honest-to-god blood-sucking-travel-by-night-because-the-sun-will-fry-you vampires.

    Which, alas, I am not. But congratulations on your divine undead royalness.
    Melonie recently posted..About to Go Under Again

  4. I can wink with either eye (almost said I can wink with both eyes, but that would be blinking and that’s not what I meant). But instead of presuming mortality, apparently it’s a superpower since so many people can only wink with one.

    I can raise my left eyebrow, but not my right, though. And I can double-roll my tongue.

    Today I have learned that I spend way too much time looking at myself in the mirror to see how I can contort my face.

    (But I can only tell left from right by holding up my hands to find the “L”. I have very straight fingers. And my second toe is the exact same length as my big toe. What does THAT mean?!)

    1. Don’t tell anyone but I would give it all up to be able to raise an eyebrow at people. Awesome…

      PS. I can’t believe I’m not getting pictures sent to me of all this face contortions.

  5. My MIL and SIL have the same problem about not being able to tell left from right, and they’re pretty funny in the car… if one is in the driver’s seat and one is in the passenger seat, they use “your way” and “my way” instead of left and right. It just confuses me more when they say that, but it totally works for them!

    Also, I will not be sending you pictures of myself winking. But thanks for sharing yours. ;)
    Erica recently posted..When it gets personal

  6. I’m right-left challenged, too, Alex. My trick to know which way to go was to feel the callous on my right finger, created by the way I laid my pencil/pen when writing. Only a hand full of people rest pens on this finger, I discovered over the years. Today, the callous is barely there…

  7. My problem has never been with winking both eyes. It’s with waggling each eyebrow independently of each other. My husband is a professional at this sport and constantly reminds me that I’m not by shooting me a perfect left-eyebrow-raise, just like the Rock. So…the fact that I can only raise my eyebrows at the same time as opposed to one at a time…does that give me god status?
    Abby recently posted..It’s The Happiest Tuesday of All the Tuesdays

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