My iBaby Is Back

The Day I Piss Off The iGods

Last Monday, I close my MacBook Air and drift off to dreamland unaware that I somehow, in someway, pissed off the iGods.

I wake up Tuesday and go about my morning, but before the kids are to off to school, I need to check my email on my adorable MacBook Air that Scott bought me for Mother’s Day because I wouldn’t buy myself a new computer even though my old laptop is slow and heavy and I fight with it daily. I tap on my new computer’s track pad. I tap again. And again. I begin to hit the space bar and return and type HELP ME WTH IS GOING ON WHY IS MY SCREEN STILL DARK. I catch my breath and think: Oh, the screen must have magically dimmed itself.

I clicklicklicklickckiclick on the little the sun and NOTHINGNOTHINGNOTHING

My husband is yelling for my help with the kids. My kids are yelling for my help with the husband. And I’m just yelling.

I try a few more tricks but nothing. I finally stop because I have to get the kids off to school. I talk myself down while pulling out my old laptop. I get ready to work at a slower pace, and I make my genius bar appointment for my iBaby.

Except my backup won’t charge. I have 40 minutes of battery life left in a computer Scott and I just used (my backup became Scott’s laptop), and no Apple charger will light it up. Within hours of each other, 2 computers stop working. I am either a statisticians worst nightmare, or I’m the beginning of a Supernatural episode.

I arrive at the Apple store for the first available Genius Bar appointment and just in time for the cargo shorts versus skinny jeans showdown that must be the cause of my genius consultant being 25 minutes late or else the Apple store is also running a doctor’s office now. But the Apple genius is nice enough that I don’t complain except on Twitter. He explains the charger on my old Mac is recalled, but when the new, non-recalled charger doesn’t work 95% of the time we are talking, he says: Jiggle it. And I reply: Just a little bit?

And then he takes my new computer into the BACK OF THE STORE where Apple consultants disappear and new ones with even less hair and more glasses reappear with shrugs when I wonder where my iBaby is. I am told to come back in 30 minutes, which means my computer fixing experience is well into its second hour. I buy jeans with gift cards and come back only to be informed that my logic board died.

I am given two “choices:”

  1. Wait 5-7 days to get it fixed
  2. Wait only 3 days but “all my data might be gone” when my computer comes back

Me: Um, I’ll take 5-7 days because I like my data?

To which the technician responds: Well, anything could happen at any time {thanks Zen Master} but it’s a LOT less likely with us in the store.

Me: Okay, call me!

I bring my “jiggle it” computer home and realize jiggle it isn’t working anymore. But when I make the charger spark as I connect it to the computer, the computer charges. However, this proves to be harder than one, who almost burned down a kitchen, would assume. In fact, when I accidentally unplug my computer to have a bathroom buddy, I cannot recreate a spark no matter how much I call upon the gods of bad cooking. Instead, I have 3 hours of battery life to do 7 hours of  work I had planned to do before the kids came home and, oh yeah, the kids are home.

Okay, I either do no work for a week or get a second opinion on jiggle it. The second opinion only takes 2 hours of my life plus entertaining my children with sidewalks while we wait in the city, but the technician figures out if I remove the battery, plug the computer in, replace the battery, and do the hokey pokey while turning myself around, the battery charges. I basically have a desktop computer that can unplug at any moment, and I have exactly 3 hours to notice and save everything because draining all the computer’s power is the only way to have it acknowledge the plug again.

Days pass like this and I finally get the call late Thursday my new computer is fixed. I head over to the Apple store at my first opportunity, which happens to be Friday, September 21 when the iPhone 5 is released. I have never been to an Apple store when a new iPhone is unveiled. And I will never go again. There are 4 police officers, 27 morons, and I am NOT ALLOWED IN THE STORE. I have to stand outside waiting for my computer. No one explains why because I guess telling me, You may have broken your own computer and had us fix it as a ploy to sneak out an iPhone 5? sounds RIDICULOUS.

But I keep my cool because in the end I get my iBaby back.

My iBaby Is Back

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

9 thoughts to “The Day I Piss Off The iGods”

  1. I love a happy ending! I still haven’t forgiven my Mac for getting in the way of that flying water, but it doesn’t matter. She won’t wake up for me to tell her how mad I am.

    Jiggle it, just a little bit. Ha!

  2. I had to go back and look at your curtains and yes I like them too. I also like your dress and the pockets (those are cool). Anyway, the whole wiggle it and take the battery thing out? Isn’t that sort of like just whack your TV until the picture comes in? Those solutions make me grumpy. Why can’t they just fix it? My Internet device stopped working once out of the blue (have I mentioned I live in the middle of nowhere and on the side of a mountain?) and I could feel the panic set in. You don’t realize how much you do on the computer/Internet until faced with the possibility of not being able to do said things. I had to replace the device which cost me an arm and a leg (darn Verizon and their ridiculous insurance options). I feel your pain. Also, I love that you entertained your children with “sidewalks” because that sounds like a really fun challenge.

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