How To Be A Cat: The Basics

I am putting my daughter, N, to bed the other night.

N: Mama?
Me: Yes baby?
N: I want to be a cat when I grow up.
Me: A cat?
N: Yes.
Me: That sounds wonderful.

However, I’ve known my daughter for all of her life, and she has a thing or two to learn if she wants to be a cat.

Let’s start with the basics.

1) Bathing.

I have only had to give 1 of the 10 cats I’ve owned throughout my lifetime a bath because he had an assplosion. That’s 1 cat every 30 years.

In the last year alone, I have bathed you 156 times. I’m not asking you to grow a cat tongue but maybe you could learn to turn on the shower once in awhile and get the shampoo out of your hair without crying.

2) Napping.

Cats are excellent nappers.

Afternoon nap.
Evening nap.
Night nap.

You are 3 years old and gave up your afternoon nap A YEAR AGO. {weep, weep, lament, lament} Yes, sometimes you fall alseep in the car, but then you punish us by running around the house until well past 9 p.m.. This is terribly uncat behavior. I think DOGS do things like this.

3) Bug-catching.

Cats will leap off tall couches just to save us from the dreaded HOUSE FLY OF DOOM.

You mostly scream and run away. Although if the bug is dead, you do bring it over and put it in my hand so there’s hope — at least for your cat-ness, not so much for my future “I love you, Mama” gifts.

4) Eating.

Cats are excellent eaters who only need me to scoop food into a bowl twice a day.

My cats also don’t complain about my cooking.

You don’t really eat until I’m sitting on the couch then you’re all I’M SO HUNGRY AND I CAN’T OPEN ANYTHING. Wait, that’s a lot like my cats. Have you been practicing?

Clearly, yes, since this picture is from last year.

Well, at least you’re dedicated and now we know what to get you for your birthday next year. Why brainwave-controlled kitty ears, of course.


Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

11 thoughts to “How To Be A Cat: The Basics”

  1. Your post about cats preparing you for parenthood gave me hope, but now I’m worried that my hypothetical future children won’t be enough like cats!

  2. I want those brainwave ears. Those are awesome.

    Now, I could totally get on board with the whole being a cat thing, if for no other reason than the naps. The bathing, not so much. But the naps? I am all over that!

    1. That’s another cat-like quality my kids have — coming to the bathroom with me. Often it’s 2 kids and 4 cats and my husband might pop his head in just to ask a question. WTH!

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