A Few Things I’ve Learned Not To Say

ShhDontSpeakI finally have a filter in place mostly because the last time I tried small talk at my kids’ school was terrible.

This filter is small and falls out often. However, I’ve noticed over the last few months that it occasionally works.


A Few Things I’ve Learned Not To Say:

Oh, you like this dress? It’s my I-didnt-shave-my-legs dress.

Oh, the show Doomsday Preppers makes you laugh at the crazy people? My goal is to have water and canned food hidden around my home so it doesn’t matter which room we’re caught in when THEY COME.

Oh, you like my hair? It’s curly because I haven’t brushed it.

Oh, what do I do? I’m a blogger, a stay-at-home mom, a poet, and a zombie-literature aficionado.

Oh, you have a blog? Awesome.

Oh, you like my running shorts? I haven’t run in a year, but I had no clean underwear and these have a built-in pair.

Oh, you’ve heard of my husband but go to a different pediatrician? I’m so sad for you and your low-quality medical care.

Oh, what’s Twitter? It’s a social media thing where you write micro blogs in 140 characters or less and you talk with people most of whom you’ve never met and who might not even be who they say they are. You should join!

Oh, you think I smell nice? That’s a lie because I haven’t showered in 3 days. 

Basically, if I’d only had 9 conversations in the last 3 months, I’d be fitting in just fine.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

18 thoughts to “A Few Things I’ve Learned Not To Say”

  1. So glad to know I’m not the only one out there who is hair brush challenged. I like to think of it as a wash and curl…without the wash. I sat next to a Mom I didn’t know at my son’s Kindergarten graduation wearing my I-have-paint-in-my-hair-hat only to see her a week later at a No kid’s party. I awkwardly said “Oh hey how are you…we sat together at graduation” to which she replied “Oh yeah, I didn’t recognize you without the hat and the glasses.” Perhaps I should become a spy?

  2. Ha! The other day at some sort of park, a friend said, “I love your hair curly!” Yes. Unbrushed after the shower will give you these lank, tangled waves…

  3. You can talk about Doomsday Preppers all you want to me! I’ve stashed our stuff in the centrally located room, so that we can access it from any other room on the first floor. Because we’ll need to grab it quick when THEY COME.

  4. (1) I love your small talk.
    (2) Stand next to me anytime you want.
    (3) I should look on our newfound friendship as an opportunity to learn more about the coming apocalypse, which you are clearly well-versed in.

  5. I strongly identify with Doomsday Preppers. I’m soooo close to digging a hole in my back yard and burying food there for the zombie apocalypse. It’s coming…

    I’d slightly modify the last one for my case: “oh, you think my hair looks great? that’s great because I haven’t washed it since the weekend.”

  6. Well all these openers make me feel right at home. I also get looked at like I’m an alien when someone says “What are you going to New York for?” and I say “a blogging conference.”

  7. YES! so glad someone I know and appreciate also does this. I have a hard time accepting compliments…or just conversation anyway. “You smell good!” Thanks! I had to put on perfume to coverup my stench from not showering. “Did you get a haircut?Looks cute!” Thanks, I just washed it. “Have you lost weight?” Nope, the jeans are just baggy because they need to be washed.

    You, as I knew it, are even more awesome than expected.

  8. Get out of my head. I’m working on a list of the “Socially Charming” things I’ve been known to say out loud.
    “You will be a lot less angry once you come out of the closet.”
    “You think. Don’t you?”
    “No, I’m not a Nazi, but my Mom was”.
    “Are you thinking? You want a pillow and lay down? ” I know it hurts the first time.”
    “Why don’t I repeat myself and use little words this time.”
    “No, the fat makes you look fat.”

  9. Thank you for giving a voice to those of us who base our wardrobe choices on whether or not we made time with Lady Bic. Three-quarter sleeve t-shirts are, as they say, the bomb.

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