I have a terrible secret to share with you that I totally gave away in my title: We have not turned on the AC this summer except for 12 hours back in May.
To put our insanity into perspective for anyone who lives in Canada, here is last week’s Richmond, Virginia weather report:
- 91 F (33 C — for the Canadians DUH)
- 97 F (36 C)
- 99 F (37 C)
- 97 F (36 C)
- 91 F (33 C)
- 90 F (32 C)
- 88 F (31 C)
The days above 95 F actually include a gif of the sun lighting a cactus on fire with the words HOLY CRAP IT’S HOT as the cactus’ cartoon face melts off.
How did we end up in the horror movie, SAW VIII: Jigsaw puts a family in a house without AC in Virginia?
First, I listen to NPR. (My conservative friends must be right, NPR is ruining my family.) In May, NPR has the audacity to broadcast the story of a North Carolina couple who haven’t used AC since the Carter administration. They run it once a year to make sure it still works; otherwise, it’s just windows, the heat, and helping the environment.
I tell Scott the story, and as it turns out, he accidentally listens because 3 days later summer attacked Richmond like a hungry horde of zombies, and Scott nonchalantly says: I didn’t turn on the AC.
Me: What? Why?
Scott: Well, you told me about that couple in North Carolina and…
Me: OH MY GAWD! We’re doing that this summer? I never thought you’d agree to it so I didn’t even ask but now we’re doing it. YES!
Scott: Wait, um, what?
The following day, the high is 85 and the low is not much better so Scott turns on the AC upstairs because his stick-with-it-ness doesn’t include stick-to-the-sheets-ness.
Me: What are you doing?
Scott: That was fun but now it’s time to use the AC because I need to sleep.
Me: Oh no. TOO LATE. You said we could do it. Now I’m all in. Plus, I’ve convinced myself that part of the reason I hate summer is because the heat is even worse when I go out from the coolness of our home. I’m in SHOCK, which leads quickly to not wanting to leave the house — one the signs of depression. WE ARE SAVING ME. I’ll be fully acclimated to the fiery pits of Virginia summers in no time! Heat and me will BFF it from high noon until midnight. And you know that I hate conditioned air. Ew. I think it bothers my allergies and I like open windows and it’s so much better for the environment. Don’t you want to leave our kids TREES? We are saving the world and …
My MANY INTERESTING THOUGHTS put Scott to asleep so the AC stays on for 12 hours, but the following day, I turn it back off confident my DownwithAC UpwithHappy speech soaked into Scott’s deep sleepy conscience. Of course, when I step out of the house for a few hours, Scott tries to turn on the AC downstairs, but the temperature control breaks.
He says: You got lucky.
I shout back: GOD HATES AIR-CONDITIONING AND LOVE NPR.
He rolls his eyes and sweats away.
We are now 6 weeks into summer, own 6 fans, and not 1 person in our family wore underwear today.
Surprisingly, the NPR story never mentions that last part. They also forget to mention how we keep guests from leaving, get motivated to move off the couch or keep our glasses from sliding down our sweaty noses.
But, man, is our electric bill low and our go green self-righteousness high.
PS. This is the forecast for next week. I look forward to dying on Friday.
The Air-Conditioning Update: Is Our AC On?