A Series Of Shorts Because Sometimes I’m Only Funny Three Sentences At A Time

My son hasn’t been feeling well for the past few days (as in feverish and sleeping most of the day, and for a child who hasn’t napped in 3 years, the sleeping part freaked me out way more than the fevers) so I only have series of shorts for today.

First Short

My daughter and I are walking out of preschool surrounded by other school families.

N: Mama, your butt is stinky.

Me: That’s why we don’t smell other people’s butts.

{at this point in the story people ask: Did the other parents smile? Um, I have no idea. I was not making eye contact once my butt stink was made public knowledge}

Second Short

I hate losing things, which is too bad since it happens so often.

The other day, when I was looking for my iPhone-wallet-bag-keys-shoes AGAIN, my first thought was: OMG, one of my friends stole it.

I’m not sure if this means I need new friend or they need a new Alex. At least my paranoia isn’t racist, sexist or rational (a difficult combination to maintain, for sure).

Third Short

My son often complains that he doesn’t get enough T.V. time. After listening to him rail against our parenting decision to not watch more than 2 hours of television per day, I ask:  When you’re a daddy, are you going to just let your kids watch T.V. all day?

E: Yup. I’m going to watch it with them! 

Well, I’ve been schooled.

Fourth Short

While scrolling through my photos, I found a picture of myself hiding a banana. I figured it was because my children think anything I’m eating is something they should be eating, and also, I’m a terrible mother who hides bananas and candy from her kids. But I can see the unsuspecting fruit-less person in the background. Sucka.


That’s all folks.

PS. I have an amazing (and serious) set of posts coming early next week thanks to a readers and her friends. I’m excited and honored and that’s all I’m telling you right now because I really am the kind of person who eats the last banana when no one is looking.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

13 thoughts to “A Series Of Shorts Because Sometimes I’m Only Funny Three Sentences At A Time”

  1. To combat the TV problem we tell our kids that if they want to watch more TV, it has to be PBS and not cartoons. Like a real bona fide boring PBS show. Unfortunately that logic went out the window since my 6 year old cant wait to watch Downtown Abbey. Sometimes you cant win.

  2. When I saw the title of this post in Blogger reader, I thought it was going to be about your collection of shorts (the clothing). (I’m not very bright in the mornings.) This was way more entertaining! My favorite is your paranoia about your friends stealing your stuff, and the fact that you didn’t think of your kids stealing it, which seems way more likely.

  3. I swear, if the cabinets open (even if I’m just putitng away the dishes, boys randomly appear in the kitchen.

    I also hide candy. Especially chocolate. And ice cream. I hide the good ice cream behind things in the freezer that they will never eat.

    1. Yes, I was just thinking how nicely that first and last item bookended (bookbutted? buttended?) this post. No butts about it.

  4. That last one brings new meaning to “hide the banana!”

    OK, that was totally lame and cliche… but it still made me giggle. At my own self. Yeah.

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