We Went Into Nature And Survived, Which Makes Us Survivalists

For Spring Break, we took the kids on a survivalist trip to teach them how to live through Armageddon 2012.

The saying is, Survival of the Most-est Stuff-est, right?

Yes, I know the Mayan calendar didn’t take leap year into account so the predicted apocalypse was back in 2010. Or so they pretended right before their civilization was destroyed. A big old Screw you suckers. Nice try, Mayans, but we clearly didn’t implode in 2010 so I KNOW it’s coming.

I hope we are fortunate enough to find the last rocking chair before the zombie-plagues-vampires-bombs-Republicans come.

When my kids found out there was no television? They cried. In their defense, we only told them that day. I had weeks to alternatively cry, shake, and puke at the idea of no cell phone or Internet access.

Do not be fooled by the cushy cabin appearance. This is EXACTLY what the end of the world will be like minus the electricity and heat and hot wheels cars.

Instead we each discovered our armageddon skills.

One of our strongest skills is waking up BEFORE the zombies.

We learned to forage for food.

She’s singing to the worms: Rock a bye wormy. On mama’s hook… She’ll fit right into the aftermath. A little too well perhaps.
E caught a Redear Sunfish. According to the signs that will populate armageddon. Angels come down and bring them, I think.

My daughter also doubles as a blanket. And a survivalist ninja.

N’s preferred travel method. She’ll survival longer than anyone with her creepy parasitic nature of fearlessness and tutus.

I will build the fires. Probably way more than we need because it’s so much fun.

I hunted around our cabin for the wood. Luckily, there was a pile of matches out there as well.

Scott will attempt to kill us multiple times. I’m not a huge fan of his talent.

There’s no photo of the actual canoe tip over except by other survivalists at the site, but I’m sure those picture were blurry from laughing so hard at us.

We also fought off 3 spiders, a moth that looked like a flower and a black snake, which was longer than N. And by “fought off,” I mean caught in a cup and released into the woods, took photos of, and avoided like the plague, respectively.

Flower moths are proof that nature is way cooler than anyone even Bono.

PS. There was a crow the size of a cat stalking us during the trip, which I did take personally.

We survived, Stupid Cat Crow! Although E looks a little drunk on nature.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

22 thoughts to “We Went Into Nature And Survived, Which Makes Us Survivalists”

  1. LOL, you kill me.
    I slept in my car with my kids once … we had blankets and pillows and I have a huge SUV. I felt as tho I should have been handed a trophy for Survivor when I was done.

  2. LOL. Glad you guys are ready for the Apocalypse. My wife and I tried to do a canoe once. I tipped her over and then lightning came. It was a metal canoe. She was a little freaked out. That was 12 years ago. We haven’t been in a boat since.

  3. LOVE. There’s something truly spiritual about reconnecting with nature. I start to crave it this time of year. My time will come in another couple of weeks, when the water warms up enough for me to begin my weekly beach trips again. Cannot WAIT!!

  4. Have you learned nothing from The Hunger Games?! Building fires is how they find you to KILL you. Gosh.

    On the other hand, that moth is pretty sweet. You sure you didn’t just find a white one and use the markers to make it pretty? Because it totally looks like you colored it.

  5. Wow! You were “Roughing It”. When I did survival camp, we did two weeks in the forest with only a cup and a knife. We learned to be committed vegetarians because those walking bits of protein are really, really tricky. Also learned how to make (and drink from) a canteen made of deer intestine. That grasshoppers taste like crunchy milk. Don’t eat the legs, they’re poisonous. This was not the Air Force. This was the Boy Scouts.

  6. No smores?! I don’t know if it would be worth living through the apocalypse if I didn’t get to have smores.

    Also, you guys are the cutest family.

  7. ::Dies::

    Where did you go? I ask because I don’t ever want to go there because that flower moth? Is hella creepy.

    Also, black snakes won’t hurt you and are actually really sweet and cool in that they eat mice and other vermin. Black snakes are your friend.

    I would puke if I had no Internet access either.

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