My Son Has A Long List Of Complaints Officer

My husband says: No more candy, E.

My 5-year-old responds: I’m going to call 9-1-1 and have you arrested.

The call would go something like this:

Officer, I would like to report an emergency.

I did not get a lollipop when I asked {at 7 a.m.}

I did not get 5 juice boxes today {or any day ever}

I was not allowed to watch television all afternoon

I was not allowed to play video games after I was told I could not watch T.V. all afternoon.

I had to wear shoes outside.

I was not allowed to pee in my front yard {unless I’m in the bushes}

I could not play with my friends instead of eating dinner.

I had to take a bath on days other than Thursday {please do not ask me to explain why I make exceptions on Thursdays}.

I had to go to school.

I had to come home from school.

I don’t have an iPhone.

I had to wait 3 minutes because my mom was on HER iPhone making a dentist appointment for me.

My mom made a dentist appointment for me.

I had to read a story at bedtime instead of playing ninja until I fell asleep.

My family runs out of sprinkles for ice cream and marshmallows for s’mores.

I have to pick up my toys even on days when I’m dead.

I just hope whomever answers the 9-1-1 call doesn’t also have a thing for s’mores, or we might really be in trouble.


PS. While we did review what constitutes an emergency and 9-1-1 call, and this post is clearly hilarious (YES IT IS), child abuse is not. A blog friend posted what to do if you suspect abuse. Otherwise, please drop off the sprinkles at my door and ignore the child peeing in the bushes. For everyone’s sake.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

13 thoughts to “My Son Has A Long List Of Complaints Officer”

  1. Well as the old commercials used to say, if you dont have an iPhone, you don’t have an iPhone.

    As for not getting to pee outside, that seems to be a common complaint everywhere these days…even from adults.

  2. The peeing outside thing seems to be a lifelong battle with boys (don’t ask me how I know this).

    I need to figure out who to call to complain that I don’t have any marshmallows or sprinkles this morning.

  3. This is adorable. I’m guessing the pictures were taken before it all went wrong… or maybe after Scott snuck him another piece of candy? 😉

  4. Oh, my older child actually called several years ago. He dialed my phone as a joke (I think it was because he didn’t want what we were having for dinner?), but my cell went into emergency mode and then connected on its own after a certain period of time. It took some time to get over the embarrassment, but the stern talking-to that my child received from the responding officer was worth it!

  5. At our house, the call would be because we did not watch ANOTHER episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or because we ran out of cheese and popsicles.

    I wonder what the people at the grocery store think – maybe we have enough popsicle sticks to build a storage unit for all of our cheese?

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