Who We Should Really Ban From Restaurants And Life

There’s been talk in the media and even some local mentions of banning children from restaurants, theaters and life. At first, I found banning an entire group based on age to be another way to judge and condemn families, but then I realized that I have a crap load of people to suggest we ban.


Sloppy Beer Spillers

I hate when I get beer, wine or any sort of sticky substance spilled on me by sloppy people. I’m trying to enjoy a baseball game or I’m still at the night club and here comes Teeter-Totter in her 14 inch wedges and 2 cosmos into embarrassment. She might gives me the OOPS SORRY but that doesn’t make up for the stink and stain on my styling shirt. And once she’s 4 drinks in, she doesn’t apologize anymore, which is fine because call in the Sloppy Drink Spilling Ban, and she’ll be lucky to get into a TGIF bar in this city.

Crappy Drivers

My city has a plethora of terrible drivers. I had never seen as many traffic accidents as I did my first month in town. So I’d like to ban bad drivers from roads I’m on whenever I happen to be on them. I would like to focus on the ones who leave their signal blinking for months, those don’t understand the natural laws of tailgating and merging and think every four-way intersection might have a stop sign.

Movie Yakkers

What’s going on? I can’t believe she did that! What other movies was he in? And it’s not just in the theater. How many times have I sat in front of a friend’s flat-screen TV only to be bombarded from the moment we hit play with questions, comments and inane chatter. People who can’t be quiet during movies should not only have to leave theaters, but they should have their Netflix accounts revoked until filmed watching a DVD with quiet respect.

Junk-to-Truck Guys at the Club

The guys at the night club who stick their junk in my butt when I’m trying to dance. I can’t enjoy my time on the dance floor with them around, and I’m tired of tell them that I live in a bubble and they need to stop popping it with their penises. We should have women dancing next to bouncers as the final checkpoint to entry. In fact, find me a woman who’s ever enjoyed the random grinder guy, and I’ll find you another person who should be banned from dance clubs.

Squishy Restaurant Setups

I’m out to dinner with my handsome husband. We’re eating early because we can only catch 7:30 p.m. movies without falling asleep. Plus, we’re used to eating at 5:30 every day because we’re old hungry souls. We enter the mostly empty restaurant only to be seated next to the only other couple with our 2-person tables exactly 6 inches apart. I’d like to ban the hosts who think I’m out on a date to snuggle with random elderly couples.

Phone Callers

I hate talking on the phone. Stop calling or be banned.

Honestly, I could go on and on because many people ruin my day most days of the week with their ignorance, volume control problems and inability to read my mind and give me exactly what I want all the time no matter what.

So once the world revolves around my needs and cities ban these out-of-control people ruining-my-driving-dancing-dinner dates, I would be happy to discuss a baby ban. But mostly because I don’t like babies either.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

22 thoughts to “Who We Should Really Ban From Restaurants And Life”

  1. Ugh, the phone. I hate it. As well as outside, exercise, zippers and red, red, robins.

    But I like restaurants so if my kids get banned from them I may starve.

  2. Sometimes I just don’t answer the phone, then send a text later. I’m passive aggressive like that. Sometimes once they get me on the phone I’m okay, but I hate calling people or answering the phone. I’ll throw it to my husband, even if it’s MY phone.

    I would like to ban people who don’t follow general traffic rules at the grocery store. Because believe it or not, pushing a grocery cart is a lot like driving a car.

  3. I think banning kids is a little extreme. It’s just one of those things you deal with. We don’t go out to eat a lot because we don’t want to be “those people” or we chose places where we know it’s ok if we are (like you were saying on your comment to – which was a great comment by the way). I wish everyone had that same sensor but they don’t. Alas – it’s a free world and you deal with it.

  4. Jeez, it’s pretty scary how I could have written all of these word for word. Esp. phone callers!

    My list of bans:
    1. Women who walk around in high heels in their hardwood-floor apartment above others below.
    2. Women with grandchildren in outfits meant for teeny boppers.
    3. Developers who make changes to their software without informing their users (I’m sore about Blogger thumbnails not showing up on Facebook now and no one knows why… or how to fix it!)
    4. People who work in high positions at corporations but actually have no valuable contribution to the company

    etc. etc. etc.

  5. Great list. All of my friends know well enough to not bother calling me…this is what texting is for 😀

    Can we add to this people who talk on their phones, loudly in public places, as if everyone around them wants to know about their recent gyn appointment.

  6. I’m with you on the crappy drivers and movie yakkers. Can’t do much about the drivers, but I have fallen completely in love with my DVR. So when my husband starts talking about random stuff (or a guest which won’t shut up) I simply pause it. Insert uncomfortable silence, followed by, “you didn’t have to stop the movie.” Oh yes, yes I DID.

    1. That exact scenario constantly plays out in our home minus the DVR and plus Apple TV and Netflix Instant. My husband already had his Netflix in the mail subscription revoked. Haha.

  7. adding:

    – buck naked stranger in the gym locker-room who wants to start up a conversation

    – couple at the Redbox reading 85 movie descriptions aloud to one another (without picking one) while a line of people behind them stands waiting…and waiting…

    – dog owners who don’t pick up their dog’s crap

    – suburbanites (driving suburbans) who take up two (or three) parking spaces trying to parallel park in the city

    – the part of a job interview when you have to discuss salary expectations. let’s just write it on a piece of paper and slide it across the table instead, shall we? Or, fashion something like a financial-Ouija board, where we can both lay our hands on and push it toward numbers.

  8. I also hate talking on the phone.
    I have already started banning all these groups of people by telling them they have to “get out” of wherever I am at.
    Somehow, I’m always the one that has to leave, though…

  9. I am, generally, an easy-going person; I rarely complain about any situation or service and adopt an “everyone is doing his or her best” attitude I hope will be tossed back at me when my performance may be sub par.

    The ONLY circumstance under which I will speak up (and I’m non-confrontational so this is big) is if I’m seated closely to another couple in a restaurant.

    RIGHT in front of the couple, to the face of the bewildered host I will say, “Oh no. No no. This won’t work. NO! Is there anywhere else I can sit?”


    I need my space. My husband and I get to go out about four times a year without kids and I will NOT let a stranger be that close to me.

    Even if he promises not to pop my bubble with his penis.

  10. Katy Perry – you’re in your late 20s, divorced, and you haven’t thought about your teenage years. Stop releasing songs from that dreadful album and go make arecord about what it’s like to be a grown ass woman. or just be banned.

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