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Who We Should Really Ban From Restaurants And Life

by Alex Iwashyna

in Food (Looks Bad Tastes Good), Is It Just Me?, WTH

There’s been talk in the media and even some local mentions of banning children from restaurants, theaters and life. At first, I found banning an entire group based on age to be another way to judge and condemn families, but then I realized that I have a crap load of people to suggest we ban.

YouAreBanned

Sloppy Beer Spillers

I hate when I get beer, wine or any sort of sticky substance spilled on me by sloppy people. I’m trying to enjoy a baseball game or I’m still at the night club and here comes Teeter-Totter in her 14 inch wedges and 2 cosmos into embarrassment. She might gives me the OOPS SORRY but that doesn’t make up for the stink and stain on my styling shirt. And once she’s 4 drinks in, she doesn’t apologize anymore, which is fine because call in the Sloppy Drink Spilling Ban, and she’ll be lucky to get into a TGIF bar in this city.

Crappy Drivers

My city has a plethora of terrible drivers. I had never seen as many traffic accidents as I did my first month in town. So I’d like to ban bad drivers from roads I’m on whenever I happen to be on them. I would like to focus on the ones who leave their signal blinking for months, those don’t understand the natural laws of tailgating and merging and think every four-way intersection might have a stop sign.

Movie Yakkers

What’s going on? I can’t believe she did that! What other movies was he in? And it’s not just in the theater. How many times have I sat in front of a friend’s flat-screen TV only to be bombarded from the moment we hit play with questions, comments and inane chatter. People who can’t be quiet during movies should not only have to leave theaters, but they should have their Netflix accounts revoked until filmed watching a DVD with quiet respect.

Junk-to-Truck Guys at the Club

The guys at the night club who stick their junk in my butt when I’m trying to dance. I can’t enjoy my time on the dance floor with them around, and I’m tired of tell them that I live in a bubble and they need to stop popping it with their penises. We should have women dancing next to bouncers as the final checkpoint to entry. In fact, find me a woman who’s ever enjoyed the random grinder guy, and I’ll find you another person who should be banned from dance clubs.

Squishy Restaurant Setups

I’m out to dinner with my handsome husband. We’re eating early because we can only catch 7:30 p.m. movies without falling asleep. Plus, we’re used to eating at 5:30 every day because we’re old hungry souls. We enter the mostly empty restaurant only to be seated next to the only other couple with our 2-person tables exactly 6 inches apart. I’d like to ban the hosts who think I’m out on a date to snuggle with random elderly couples.

Phone Callers

I hate talking on the phone. Stop calling or be banned.

Honestly, I could go on and on because many people ruin my day most days of the week with their ignorance, volume control problems and inability to read my mind and give me exactly what I want all the time no matter what.

So once the world revolves around my needs and cities ban these out-of-control people ruining-my-driving-dancing-dinner dates, I would be happy to discuss a baby ban. But mostly because I don’t like babies either.

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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

Skye February 29, 2012 1

I agree with you on every single category except for phone callers! :)

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Anne at Always Half Full February 29, 2012 2

I am with you on the Squishy restaurant setups (and all the other ones too). Because we are the same people. Our dinnertime is 5:30 and our bedtime is at 9 – even when we have a babysitter. :)

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KLZ February 29, 2012 3

Ugh, the phone. I hate it. As well as outside, exercise, zippers and red, red, robins.

But I like restaurants so if my kids get banned from them I may starve.

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Sarah February 29, 2012 4

This is so very true.
Related: I may end up being a hermit sometime in the future.

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Cheryl February 29, 2012 5

Love this! (How I hate the phone, too…)

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MommaKiss February 29, 2012 6

The talkers – on the phone or during shows / movies – can all be banned. Go somewhere and talk to each other. Away from me.

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Leigh Ann February 29, 2012 7

Sometimes I just don’t answer the phone, then send a text later. I’m passive aggressive like that. Sometimes once they get me on the phone I’m okay, but I hate calling people or answering the phone. I’ll throw it to my husband, even if it’s MY phone.

I would like to ban people who don’t follow general traffic rules at the grocery store. Because believe it or not, pushing a grocery cart is a lot like driving a car.

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Bf February 29, 2012 8

Yes! All of this, although if your list gets much longer I will be out of a job ;)

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Kimberly February 29, 2012 9

Have I mentioned that I loved you?
Today I drove behind one of them crappy drivers. I hope that they felt my eyes searing into their souls.
Muwhahaha.

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The Many Thoughts of a Reader February 29, 2012 10

I’d like to ban idiots. I think this encompasses all categories

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Chara February 29, 2012 11

I think banning kids is a little extreme. It’s just one of those things you deal with. We don’t go out to eat a lot because we don’t want to be “those people” or we chose places where we know it’s ok if we are (like you were saying on your comment to Richmond.com – which was a great comment by the way). I wish everyone had that same sensor but they don’t. Alas – it’s a free world and you deal with it.

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Justine February 29, 2012 12

Jeez, it’s pretty scary how I could have written all of these word for word. Esp. phone callers!

My list of bans:
1. Women who walk around in high heels in their hardwood-floor apartment above others below.
2. Women with grandchildren in outfits meant for teeny boppers.
3. Developers who make changes to their software without informing their users (I’m sore about Blogger thumbnails not showing up on Facebook now and no one knows why… or how to fix it!)
4. People who work in high positions at corporations but actually have no valuable contribution to the company

etc. etc. etc.

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Casey February 29, 2012 13

YES. THANK YOU.

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Liz @ Learning to Juggle February 29, 2012 14

Great list. All of my friends know well enough to not bother calling me…this is what texting is for :D

Can we add to this people who talk on their phones, loudly in public places, as if everyone around them wants to know about their recent gyn appointment.

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Alesha March 1, 2012 15

I’m with you on the crappy drivers and movie yakkers. Can’t do much about the drivers, but I have fallen completely in love with my DVR. So when my husband starts talking about random stuff (or a guest which won’t shut up) I simply pause it. Insert uncomfortable silence, followed by, “you didn’t have to stop the movie.” Oh yes, yes I DID.

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Late Enough March 1, 2012 16

That exact scenario constantly plays out in our home minus the DVR and plus Apple TV and Netflix Instant. My husband already had his Netflix in the mail subscription revoked. Haha.

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on the ban-wagon March 1, 2012 17

adding:

- buck naked stranger in the gym locker-room who wants to start up a conversation

- couple at the Redbox reading 85 movie descriptions aloud to one another (without picking one) while a line of people behind them stands waiting…and waiting…

- dog owners who don’t pick up their dog’s crap

- suburbanites (driving suburbans) who take up two (or three) parking spaces trying to parallel park in the city

- the part of a job interview when you have to discuss salary expectations. let’s just write it on a piece of paper and slide it across the table instead, shall we? Or, fashion something like a financial-Ouija board, where we can both lay our hands on and push it toward numbers.

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Jenni Chiu March 1, 2012 18

I also hate talking on the phone.
I have already started banning all these groups of people by telling them they have to “get out” of wherever I am at.
Somehow, I’m always the one that has to leave, though…

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julie gardner March 4, 2012 19

I am, generally, an easy-going person; I rarely complain about any situation or service and adopt an “everyone is doing his or her best” attitude I hope will be tossed back at me when my performance may be sub par.

The ONLY circumstance under which I will speak up (and I’m non-confrontational so this is big) is if I’m seated closely to another couple in a restaurant.

RIGHT in front of the couple, to the face of the bewildered host I will say, “Oh no. No no. This won’t work. NO! Is there anywhere else I can sit?”

Shamelessly.

I need my space. My husband and I get to go out about four times a year without kids and I will NOT let a stranger be that close to me.

Even if he promises not to pop my bubble with his penis.

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Katie March 4, 2012 20

I agree on all of them. ESPECIALLY phone callers. I am not going to answer. Just text me. that is why I even HAVE a cell phone. duh.

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Lance March 9, 2012 21

Katy Perry – you’re in your late 20s, divorced, and you haven’t thought about your teenage years. Stop releasing songs from that dreadful album and go make arecord about what it’s like to be a grown ass woman. or just be banned.

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