When YouTube Calls A Video Dirty, It Means It

I try to be a good mom. A mom who pays attention to her kids and adds to their excitement and interests.

So when my son started watching Speed Racer on Netflix and insisting he was speed and N was his brother X, I immediately thought of the techno song: Go Speed Go by the Alpha Team

Me: E there’s a Speed Racer song that we can dance to!

E: AhWE-SOME. (no seriously he says this word all the time and with a surfer accent now)

I jump on YouTube and find a video with photos of speed racer and the techno song playing in the background. I keep seeing “dirty version” and I think: What video did they make to this song? Don’t pick that one.

I play one without the warning, and my preschool kids and I dancing along until the song begins to play what all those videos tried to warn me about. The part I didn’t remember because I didn’t know the 2008 version was different from the 1990s version in my head, and the video I chose didn’t have this apt description:

Speed Racer opening theme combined with the DJ Keoki p0rn mix

The first few Trixie moans I think: Haha, okay back to the song.

Except Speed and Trixie are too busy to keep dancing. The music and breathing are clearly moving in a CRESCENDO direction. So I run to my iPhone and fast-forward. Twice. I’m not down with listening to sex with my kids no matter how good the back beat is.

We finish dancing, and I change the subject. And fail.

E: Mama, you skipped the breathing part.

Me: I did.

E: I want to listen to her breath again.

Me: What?

Now I’m thinking: Why did he notice? Oh my gawd, has he heard Scott and I?

E: I want to hear the breathing. It makes her happy.

{insert wide-eyed Mama}

E: She was scared and then she breathed to help calm down, right?

{sigh} We do breathing exercises to deal with anger and fear, and E thinks Trixie is anxious.

I feel relief except now I’m in a corner I built for myself based on the plan to RELATE. The song is a fun song that has sex noises in it. My son thinks the sex noises are breathing exercises. The breathing exercises we do are great so I can’t tell him there’s something wrong with the breathing, and I can’t tell him Speed and Trixie are trying to make babies since I’m not ready for the sex talk (he’s 5). And I can’t listen to sex noises with my kids and pretend it’s breathing exercises.

I spend the rest of the afternoon saying, we’ll listen to it in a minute, while inventing even cooler things to do and planning to never listen to the song again. I think the term is cock blocking.

Here is the video I did pick.

Here is the clip of just the breathing part if you don’t want to listen to a 4 minute techno song.

Photo Source

Tagged as: Alpha Team, breathing exercises, dance party, dirty version, I feel awkward about this post, iPhone, mortifying, Music, Preschool, preschool kids, speed racer, techno song, The TALK, youtube