Hole in Eyebrow2 photo

One. Two. Three Eyebrows. Oops.

It was Christmas eve…

I decide to be a grown up, and by “grown up” I mean “remove facial hair.”

I have a light mustache to match my unibrow and while I want to be a good example of accepting myself, hair and all, to my daughter, I don’t want my facial hair to outdo my husband’s.

I get out the Nair to go after my lower lip because I’m cheap, and if I’m going to leave the house without the kids for 30 minutes, it’s not going to be so someone can rip hair off my face. For those unfamiliar with Nair and the short shorts girls, it’s a hair removal paste that causes any hair underneath it to fall off within 5-7 minutes. Through magic and acid.

While painting my lip with Nair, I take a closer look at my eyebrows. I have pretty much have two because I’ve kept up with the plucking, but my eyebrows seem to be trying to out flank me and make a run up my temples.

So I lather some Nair above my eyebrows, but the stinging in my eyes makes the application a bit uneven. I try to wipe it off but by now, all my fingers are covered in Nair, and although not having fingerprints may prove useful in murders, I’m no Dexter. As I get the Nair rinsed off my hands, the burning of my face begins and THAT’S HOW I KNOW IT WORKED. Also, it’s one minute left until my lip peels off.

I begin to wipe off my upper lip before it’s bursts into flame then I move on to above my eyebrows. I look closer while the tissue removes the hair and see some eyebrow disappear.

I try not to panic.

Then I wash off my face and panic.

Hole in Eyebrow2 photo
Look right to left to right again. Holy crap, I know.
Hole in Eyebrow photo
This is how I really felt.

I walk downstairs and Scott greets me: Why’s your upper lip red?
Me: I nair-ed.
Scott: So you replaced your hair with a burn?
Me: Shut-up and look at my eyebrow.
Scott: Oh my.

I go back to wrapping presents in the hope that I will forget the series of Christmas photos where I imitate Vanilla Ice.

Vanilla-Ice photo

But I can’t stop touching the eyebrow and with every touch more hair comes off. Who cares? Well, first, it will be immortalized in 73 pictures tomorrow. Second, I have dealt with my eyebrows since I was eleven years old.  I’ve had one, two, thin, bushy and somewhere in between. Finding my eyebrows has been a long journey.

And now I have three.

I furrow my bushy eyebrow with my one-hit-wonder eyebrows and decide action must be taken. I grab my tweezers and begin plucking.

Fixed Eyebrow photo
Compare to the before photo and be vaguely impressed.

My backup plan was to tweeze Scott’s eyebrows in solidarity. Also in his sleep.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

27 thoughts to “One. Two. Three Eyebrows. Oops.”

  1. I AM DYING OVER HERE. Tonight? I did EXACTLY this. I usually Nair my lip but tonight, I decided to try my eyebrows, too. I have to pluck mine every single stinkin’ day to tame them or they will take over my face. I’ve been plucking for so long that the Nair did NOTHING because my eyebrow hairs are so thin. I WISH I had had some sort of result …

    Still dying. *snort*

  2. I think it looks completely natural. It’s nice to know I have a nair buddy out there. I hope my girls find a better solution when the day comes. With their Spanish heritage they’re gonna need it.

  3. Oh this is so funny yet so NOT funny at the same time. That’s why I cannot do my own brows – but that should also mean I go somewhere or have someone do them, but instead they are wild and untamed. Sigh…this happened to a friend of mine only she PAID someone and this happened. She said, “AH! Where’s my eyebrow!” And the lady said, “it look like that when you walk in.” Carla said, “NO IT DIDN’T! IT LOOKED LIKE THE OTHER ONE!” It took a good two months for it to grow back like the other. I didn’t know though with a good brow pencil. Anyhoo, your skillz on the other one is impressive! I say if the whole writing thing doesn’t work out you have a future as an esthetician.

  4. I know that you don’t want to leave the house to have someone rip hair off your face (I feel you there) but if you’re brave (and I think you are) you can learn to use it at home. I did, and I won’t go back ever!

  5. Nair doesn’t play around. I’ve been Nairing since 7th grade and it is the ONLY thing that T can’t handle seeing with his own two eyes.

    At least we’re keeping a tidgy bit of the magic alive.

  6. Don’t worry. If your eyebrows are anything like mine, it’ll all grow back in like a week.

    And the picture of Vanilla Ice? Snort-worthy, my friend.

  7. I hate to say this but I hardly ever tweeze my eyebrows. I have like NO eyebrows. But I don’t pencil in. I must say that I am quite impressed with your tweezer skills. Also? I razor my stache. I know.

  8. I am fairly certain that there are wookies in my genetic lineage. My dad, brothers, and I are the hairiest humans alive. well, besides those guys in Mexico who have hair faces and are called wolf people. but we are close.

    my legs have never really been “smooth” and my face? ugg.

    I wax and tweeze the brow so that it is two. my upper lip is ok, but recently, my chin started sprouting. This is horrible. mostly because i feel like I can’t keep up with my tweezing skills.

    I am afraid that being pregnant is turning me into a man.

    The irony is not lost. Trust me.

  9. I hate Nair. I hate Nair so much. The only thing it’s ever succeeded in doing for me is give me chemical burns without removing *ANY* hair.

    The eternal optimist in me that truly believes an OTC chemical will work on removing my hair wants to try the Olay Smooth Finish stuff. . . I’m sure I will be disappointed, chemical burned, and out of way more money than I would be if I’d just bought more Nair. . . :p

  10. You know, you pulled it off. Once you went after the other side and evened it up, NO ONE WILL KNOW. Except for your hundreds of readers.

    At least you have hair to spare. My eyebrows are already patchy and every time I see a long white hair, I pull it, which leaves even more patches.

  11. Slow clap for the insertion of Vanilla Ice. Those awkward middle school days are flashing into my head now. You know, the ones of making up awesome dances to “Ice, Ice, Baby.” Ah, to have life so simple again and with no worry of body hair….

  12. Thank you so much for this post! It gave me the lift I needed after an evening of very painful truth telling. Just know your eyebrow tragedy was not in vain – but actually serving a higher good.

  13. Oh wow. That’s pretty bad! My brother dressed as Vanilla Ice for Halloween one year and tried to do the eyebrow thing – he shaved the whole thing off instead. I remind him of that pretty often.
    I think you need to sacrifice 30 minutes from your children to have hair ripped from our face. My very good friends own Fusion Nail Spa in Carytown. Please go visit them. Linda and Cathy do fabulous things to eyebrows!

  14. You are too funny! I don’t think I ever tried Nair for my face. I think I will definitely not try it now.
    I usually get my brows done by Brow threading. There are places popping up everywhere now. It is not too expensive and it is great for sensitive skin like mine. Let me know and I will send you a link to the salon at Short Pump.

  15. I am so sorry about your eyebrows, but I am now super impressed by the power of Nair. I last used it in 7th grade when my cousin and I decided to remove our leg hair for summer. It was horrible- it worked in some places and not others but left my legs too painful to shave- so I had patches all over the place. Way worse than the original hair. The only hair removal cream I’ve found since then that worked was overseas (which makes me a little freaked out about why it’s effective). Now I’m trying to decide if I have crazy hard-to-kill hair, or if I should give Nair another chance. Though probably not on my face.

  16. Thank you. No, seriously – thank you. I have not laughed this hard in quite some time. Glad to know I still can.

    And hair always grows back – and they make eyebrow pencils I think. Maybe you should remove them totally and just draw them in like some famous actress

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.