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How To Pee In The Ocean

by Alex Iwashyna

in Awkward, Motherhood

As a parent, I believe one of my most important jobs is to impart life skills, which allow my children to navigate the success and happiness I hope for them.

Skills such as not having to leave the beach to pee in 10 easy steps.

Let the Lesson Begin photo

Let the lesson begin

1. Once you realize that you have to pee, do not announce: I’M GOING TO PEE IN THE OCEAN.

2. Double-check with yourself: Do I have to pee and poop? If you have to poop, immediately stop this lesson.

3. Choose an uncrowded ocean area so no one asks: What’s up with this warm spot? If that is not possible, feel free to respond back: What IS up with this warm spot?

4. Walk until you are waist deep in the water BEFORE peeing. If there are too many waves, consider sitting in a shallower area. Do not consider peeing down your leg.

5. Relax. Pretend there aren’t 50 people surrounding you wondering what you’re doing.

6. If you still can’t pee, remind yourself that those 50 people peed a few hours early. Do not remind yourself that they might have chosen the same spot.

7. Pee.

8. Do not announce: I’M DONE PEEING.

9. Shake your suit around a bit.

10. Nonchalantly, go back to burying your sister in the sand grateful you’ll never have to do the wet-bathing-suit-peel-off-in-the-beach-bathroom again.

Now that you’re feeling a little freer, catch up on my other life lessons such as How to High Five Yourself and How to Fart in Public. You’re welcome.

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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

Anne at Always Half Full January 9, 2012 1

You should consider publishing a “How-To” book. The world needs your lessons.

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Hannah January 9, 2012 2

I second the How-to book idea.

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Megan (Best of Fates) January 10, 2012 3

Thirded.

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Katie January 10, 2012 4

fourthed

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Mina August 14, 2012 5

fifth

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vikki January 9, 2012 6

we have another rule about the ocean around here (besides DON’T TELL ANYONE –including your father–THAT I SAID YOU COULD PEE IN THE OCEAN). when the family we vacation with every year had a child who was doing a lot of experimentation with “inappropriate language,” my mother-in-law (whose mouth was even filthier than mine) declared that you can always swear in the ocean. once you set foot on dry land you have to clean up your act, but on the open water, all bets are off. just in case you ever need to belt out a “GODDAMNIT, WHO JUST PEED IN THE FUCKING OCEAN?”

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Sarah January 9, 2012 7

My children never got the hang of this. I feel as if I’ve failed them as a mother.

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Elisabeth January 9, 2012 8

This is something I learned at an early age from my aunts and have also taught my children, my nieces and nephews and in a few years their children. My aunts would say, “Oooh, if you feel something warm, that’s from me!” Or you would hear someone say, “Warm spot – who just peed?” So much easier than going ALL the way back to a house/hotel for the bathroom! However if it’s time to poop, you must make it back to the house/hotel no matter what. NO pooping in the ocean!

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Kate January 9, 2012 9

Ah, the essential lessons. I’ll only add that if you are swimming, say in a lake, then the key is to pee and move. Maybe even swirl the water around so the warm spot vanishes. But don’t poop. It will float. Of course, I couldn’t know that from experience. No. No.

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Late Enough January 10, 2012 10

That you felt like you could share this on my blog makes me feel like I’ve really made something special with Late Enough. Thank you.

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Abby January 10, 2012 11

Such sage advice, Alex. Everyone could learn a thing or two from this post.

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Chara January 10, 2012 12

This is a very important lesson. Your point about starting waist deep is the most important part in my opinion. I have been duped by too many a wave only then to be left standing there when the tide retreats. Also, good you mentioned about not freaking out when the pee won’t come. Another good reason not to think you can automatically start peeing in a big wave. There is always ocean fright in the beginning. Might I also mention this is another reason why I hate the beach.

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Kristen January 10, 2012 13

Love this post. So – completely true. I seriously LOVE it.
Kristen

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Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd January 10, 2012 14

Great lesson!

For adults, I think it’s important to linger a little bit, to seem like you actually went out there to enjoy the water. If you really don’t want to do that but are worried too many people are watching, maybe let yourself be hit and toppled by a wave to give you the excuse to be done with the ocean.

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Missy @ Wonder, Friend January 10, 2012 15

I should have taken a picture of my son’s face when I suggested this. He was bumfuzzled. But then he thought it was the second greatest thing ever, with peeing in the yard coming in first.

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Katie January 10, 2012 16

I ridiculously enjoy your “how to” posts.

Since I grew up on Lake Michigan, I don’t even remember having to LEARN to do this. You just did.

And on canoe trips, if you stand up river from someone, you can (and should) announce that you are in fact peeing ON them since they are standing down stream from you.

But perhaps this is because I have brothers and for some reason the idea that we were all just standing in a toliet was hilarious.

I am guessing we were the only ones who did the sidle up and pee thing.

“Why are you standing so close to me? Wait…DANG IT! YOU PEED!”

No one else does this? Just us?

Well then. Moving on.

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Tara January 10, 2012 17

As others have added, I have found that you have to be explicit about not pooping in the ocean. My son loved that he could pee in the ocean anytime! So when he came to me and said he tried to get his pants down underwater but couldn’t I got a bad feeling. I asked if he needed to poop and considered myself lucky that he had a hard time with his swimsuit.

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Ali January 10, 2012 18

Nope. Still not going to be able to do it. But I am always amazed how many times my kids get up from the table to pee during dinner, but they can spend hours upon end at the beach without going. Hmmm. Curious.

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Yuliya January 10, 2012 19

I still haven’t learned to do this, I always refused as a kid no matter how much my parents tried to make me!

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julie gardner January 11, 2012 20

Over winter break this year, my almost-15-year-old nephew who lives two miles from the beach announced that he ALWAYS poops in the ocean.

Seriously.

So guess who is NEVER going to the beach with her nephew again.

This girl. That’s right.

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Kali October 9, 2012 21

This is an interesting post. Not one I thought I would come across. That being said, makes me feel better about life. Life isn’t always so serious and sometimes you’ve just gotta pee in the ocean. Not only does this show the proper way to, but your children will remember this “event” and laugh about it later in life. I do agree though, add the swim around a little. It looks a bit obvious standing there squating. Thanks for the laugh!

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