As a parent, I believe one of my most important jobs is to impart life skills, which allow my children to navigate the success and happiness I hope for them.
Skills such as not having to leave the beach to pee in 10 easy steps.
1. Once you realize that you have to pee, do not announce: I’M GOING TO PEE IN THE OCEAN.
2. Double-check with yourself: Do I have to pee and poop? If you have to poop, immediately stop this lesson.
3. Choose an uncrowded ocean area so no one asks: What’s up with this warm spot? If that is not possible, feel free to respond back: What IS up with this warm spot?
4. Walk until you are waist deep in the water BEFORE peeing. If there are too many waves, consider sitting in a shallower area. Do not consider peeing down your leg.
5. Relax. Pretend there aren’t 50 people surrounding you wondering what you’re doing.
6. If you still can’t pee, remind yourself that those 50 people peed a few hours early. Do not remind yourself that they might have chosen the same spot.
8. Do not announce: I’M DONE PEEING.
9. Shake your suit around a bit.
10. Nonchalantly, go back to burying your sister in the sand grateful you’ll never have to do the wet-bathing-suit-peel-off-in-the-beach-bathroom again.