I haven’t showered in 3 days and I’m usually okay with that but I have to try on bridesmaid dresses in the evening so I haul the kids upstairs and settle them into playing a board game called Please Don’t Eat My Lipstick as I jump in the shower.
After soaping up the essentials, I note the kids are enthralled in a debate over which Power Ranger is in charge, the red one or the golden one, so I decide to take the extra five minutes to shave my legs and cut down on any brides going into Hairy Shock. I finish, dry off, tell my kids the Red Ranger is in charge and head into my bedroom only to realize I have no clean underwear.
My kids move into playing Almost Fall Off The Very Tall Bed so I have exactly 32 seconds to dash to the laundry room before I’m dashing off to the emergency room in dirty underwear and wet hair.
Me: I’ll be right back guys. I need to find underwear. Don’t fall off the bed.
I follow-up with the usual May all the window shades be down or at least my poor neighbors’ eyes be closed prayer as I run naked to the laundry room with the hope that a pair of underwear snuck into the washer and dryer last night.
My 5-year-old son’s laughter follows me as he yells: UNDERWEAR!
I laugh, too, because he’s in his Underwear-Is-Funny phase. Just like me!
I dig through the dish towels tucking one under my arm figuring with a few pins and some origami skills I can make underwear, when a pink pair jumps out as if to say SEE GOD DOES LOVE YOU!
I run back into my room shouting with joy normally reserved for finding a bag of Swedish Fish hidden under the fruit bowl, I FOUND SOME! I can almost hear David’s Bridal cheering in the background.
My son starts laughing again and yells: I CAN SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR.
I smile back as I pull them up.
My son: And your fur.
Me: My what?
I look down confused because I shaved my legs and as my eyes drift upward, I go: Ooh.
My son clarifies: YOUR VAGINA FUR!
I eye the awkward and say: Well, it’s either origami dish towel boy shorts or getting that bridesmaid dress on all by ourselves, vagina fur. Let’s do this.