As a teenager driver, I not only believed in tailgating, but I saw it as a duty to fellow speeders everywhere. I had places to go, and I had people in my way. People who paid for their speed limit adherence.
Now, I was a masterful tailgater who used two feet to break and gas right up to the bumper, but I was not a willy-nilly tailgater. Oh no, I had rules.
The 2 Car Rules of Tailgating:
- If the car in front is going less than 5 mph over the speed limit, the driver must be tailgated.
- If the driver speeds up to 5+ mph over the speed limit, the #2 car must cease tailgating.
- If a passing lane exists, it must be used unless the offending car is in the passing lane, then tailgate.
- Repeat until destination reached or offending car pulls over.
Reasonable enough. But sometimes it’s not just two cars on a dark county road. Sometimes there are a lot of us trying get somewhere and ONE CAR IN OUR WAY.
The 3+ Car Rules of Tailgating:
- The car behind the slow car must tailgate that offender until said car speeds up to 5+ mph over the speed limit.
- If the #2 car is performing his duty as a driver, he is not to be tailgated. He is to be left alone to focus on his tailgating duties.
- HOWEVER, if the #2 car is shirking his duties and not tailgating the slow car, the #3 car must tailgate the #2 car until the #2 car tailgates the offending car.
- If the #3 car is shirking her duties of reminding the #2 car of his duty to tailgate the slow car, the #4 car must tailgate the #3 car until the #3 car tailgates the #2 car until the #2 car tailgates the offending car.
- Repeat ad infinitum until all is speedy in the world.
Tailgating would have been a wonderful tool if everyone had followed my teenage model of duty and justice. However, most tailgaters are just tailgating with their cars not their brains.
The Rules For Breaking the Rules:
- If a car choses to tailgate another car that is already fulling his tailgating duty, the car may disengage tailgating and begin frontgating by slowing down to well-below the speed limit and speed up at passing lanes.
- HOWEVER, when the rule-breaking tailgating car stops tailgating, the frontgating car must speed up.
- Repeat until afraid for one’s life.
Of course, today, I’m a grownup. I don’t believe in tailgating, and as a penance for the wicked driving way of my youth, I protect slow cars by giving them a wide berth and frontgating any car that dares to tailgate me. See, a grownup!