Bad Parenting Saves The Day

I buy a simple spiderweb craft for the kids because this year EVERYONE is psyched about Halloween — it’s not just me and my costume planning bonanzas.

But when I pull off the pack of stickers for decorating the spiderweb, I rip the web. I rip it EXACTLY ONE MILLIMETER.


And I make the gravest error. I say: OOOOH.

My son: What?

Me: Nothing?

And I gingerly place the spiderweb in front of him. E doesn’t respond. I thank God, Allah, Krishna, but midway through my list of possible ways to salvation, E slides the web over to his sister.

N looks up, startled. She moves the web back.

E: You have this one.
N: No, you have it.
E: No.
N: Yes.
E: I’ll have the next one.
N: No, I’ll have the next one.
E: You.
N: You.

Me: DUDE. The spiderweb is fine. It’s really great. I can still hang it up and ….

E: You have it.
N: No, you.
E: You have it.
N: No, you.
E: You have it.
N: No, you.
E: You have it.
N: No, you.
E: You have it.
N: No, you.

They can’t hear my logic over the sliding of the broken spiderweb across the table. I only have one web left. I only have one choice left.

Me to myself: Let’s do this.

I pull the pack of stickers off the remaining spiderweb in the exact-same-ripping-a-millimeter-of-spiderweb way.

When I’m done, I place it in front of E.

Me: Now they’re the same.

My kids nod, say great and go on to happily finish their craft projects.

See, even the spider is smiling.

After a few minutes of reveling in my glory, I realize that I just broke my kids’ project on purpose bringing me one step closer to sealing the deal for a Lifetime movie in my honor. Mommie Dearest 2, anyone?

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

19 thoughts to “Bad Parenting Saves The Day”

  1. It look way more Halloween that way. You just made their projects authentic.

    Any mom who hasn’t done the same at some point is lying. Or only has one child.

  2. Brilliant! You are brilliant! And it gets them to deal with things having to be/look “perfect”. Gold star for you. ;o)

  3. I say, kudos for a genius solution to a sticky situation.

    Also—spiders as craft time???????? Who are these people and why do they torture me with 8 disgusting legs?????? The glitter and fake smile do NOT fool me, craft company.


    1. You would die if you saw our floor. We bought 50 tiny and creepy spiders for our spiderweb decor in the front yard.

      Oh and a glow-in-the-dark one. You are totally not trick-or-treating at our house.

      1. No, no I would not.

        Thanks for the warning. Perhaps you should consider posting a warning sign on your door for other arachnophobes? As in “Warning: There Are a Million Tiny Plastic Spiders Here. Throwing Shoes At Them Will Not, In Fact, Kill Them (Although It Might Make You Feel Better.)”

  4. Good thing you managed to rip them the same amount. It would have been awkward if you ripped the second one too much and you had to take back the first one and rip it more!

  5. Perfect solution! King Solomon has nothing on you. And I see that your household shares my love and adoration of glitter. 🙂

  6. I would have done the same thing! I know, I’m sure that there are people out there sighing and dropping their heads, but hey sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do!

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