I love my local coffee shop. I write for hours there without judgment (probably), and the croissants will knock your pants off.
In fact, I only have one complaint. It’s in the bathroom. Because when I finally realize my seated I-have-to-pee dance is attracting attention, pack up everything I own to minimize theft, run into the bathroom and sit on the toilet, I am greeted from above by JAUNTY HAT BATHROOM GUY.
Jaunty Hat Bathroom Guy: What did you EAT last night? And you did not wash your hands for the entire ABC song. Plus, you spent WAY to long staring at yourself in the mirror.
I can only think to respond: Stop looking at me, SWAN.*
Seriously y’all, does the owner hate this guy? Why is his picture looming over the toilet? Does it keep patrons from stealing toilet paper?
SUPER BATHROOM MAN! GREAT DEFENDER OF SOAP AND TIRELESS ENFORCER OF “IF YOU SPRINKLE WHILE YOU TINKLE, PLEASE BE NEAT AND CLEAN UP THE SEAT.”
Or he’s about to pee on me.