Do Not Run A Business Meeting With Squirrels

I head to the park to meet a potential client because parks are more child-friendly than board rooms with all those pesky TABLES that get in the way of leather wheel-y chair races. And as I happen upon the perfect meeting-space/picnic-table-in-the-shade, I notice a squirrel.  An evil squirrel.  How do I know he is evil? The glint of blood lust in his eyes and his huge fangs and needle-like claws.

Also, his unending eye contact, like he and I could both picture my epitaph reading SHE WAS WILY BUT THE SQUIRREL WAS WILIER.

By the way, wilier is a word so when you use it on Words with Friends, think of me.

Well, I’m a strong woman so I force my feet to keep marching towards the perfect meeting spot. THE SQUIRREL DOESN’T MOVE. Instead he sits up and motions to me: BRING IT.

So I do what anything 200 times larger than something else would do. I jiggle my keys at him in a VERY MENACING WAY.

He slowly backs to the ground, and he inches towards a nearby tree.  I keep a good 2 feet from the deadly Mr. Nibbles as I attempt to sit down.

Me: I’m watching you, Fangs.

Me: I’m talking aloud to a squirrel.

Voice behind me: Are you Alex?

I consider denying it.

Me: Yes. It’s nice to meet you potential business client. Also, I was talking to a squirrel.

Client: Hmmm… {looks around}

Sneaky bugger.

Me: I swear he’s behind the tree… {trailing off}

He has officially proven his worth as a nemesis.

I turn my attention towards the task at hand and my possible client and I begin to chitchat about blogging and social media campaigns and AH-HA! THE SQUIRREL! (Why yes, that is a direct quote.)

Mr. Nibbles freezes a mere six inches from my client.  This would’ve been a great time to leap over and save her life, forever endearing myself to her graces and my job security for years to come.

Instead I freeze and say: He’s freaky, right?

Client: Um, yeah.

She goes back to talking, but I keep a sharp eye on Mr. Nibbles interrupting my client with occasional updates. TO KEEP US BOTH ALIVE.

And then I stop us to take a picture.

This is what crazy squirrels do when they aren't eating your face

Let’s not discuss if I got the job.

Special thanks to @MakeMommyCoffee for properly naming my nemesis Mr. Nibbles.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

23 thoughts to “Do Not Run A Business Meeting With Squirrels”

  1. That is quite a menacing pose. Squirrels get a little to comfortable with humans for my taste. They can carry rabies. They are all suspect to me.

  2. If I were in that situation, I would do exactly the same thing. That squirrel, ‘Mr Nibbles’, is the freakiest looking squirrel I’ve ever seen.

  3. What is it with evil squirrels this season. One has taken control of our back yard, and he’s an aggressive little demon. I think he and Mr. Nibbles have a date with rat poison soon.

  4. Squirrels are crazy mofos and are not to be trusted.

    Plus they dig up my tulips and move the bulbs all over the place so that sometimes I have flowers sprout in the middle of my yard come springtime.

    And! they have claws and can descend a tree head down.

    Not a fan.

  5. Squirrels are not to be f’d with! I had one charge me as a kid when I was filling up a bird feeder and I’ve been wary of them ever since.

  6. No lie. I killed a squirrel with my golf cart. It was a slow, painful death witnessed by my three children. I realize this has nothing to do with your story except being a story about a squirrel but it’s a huge laugh in my house about me the squirrel killer. Give me a call before your next meeting and I’ll hustle over with my golf cart.

  7. I have many in my back yard which has become the land of the lost. I don’t understand why my friendly coyotes are not eating them. Probable because they are the devils spawn. They have destroyed my plants all summer and I would try to shoot them but they are to fast and I would only succeed in shooting myself with a ricochet. So I can say I have been beaten by a rodent.

  8. LOL- I needed this laugh. My FIL is always at war with the squirrels in his yard that also happen to enjoy eating his siding. Personally, I love squirrels. They were my sorority mascot, so I think that may be why I have a soft spot for them.

  9. A long time ago, my husband and I raised a couple of squirrels.

    But ours were not evil.

    And they were named Pancho and Lefty.

    This is all I have to say about squirrels.

  10. Squirrels ARE creepy! I think you’re the first person I’ve heard say that aloud. Most people I know think they’re cute. Cute?!? Ha! Psychotic is more like it!

    1. You should follow me on Twitter if you’re suggesting I made this up. Two people recognized the squirrel — one of which already called animal control on Mr Nibbles once. We’re forming a mob. Want in?

  11. Squirrels are the reason we can’t have a garden in our backyard. They take one bite out of each tomato and ear of corn, at the exact moment they are ripe. Thus ensuring we get none of the crop. Evil little creatures.

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