Beach Creeper

We are pretty mellow beach-goers. A few towels, shovels, some sunscreen and a snack. And since I gave birth to the sleepers from hell, we are nearly always the first people on the beach. This particular vacation day, we drop our bag and towels and run towards the ocean at 8:30 in the morning.

Fifty waves and thirteen possible jellyfish sightings later, we head back to our stuff to dig a sand castle and destroy it.

As we near our towels, I notice that a family had settled diagonal to us and a little close considering HOW LARGE THE BEACH IS, but I shrug it off.

Like people did when Germany tried to take over Europe.

Because a snack and two mud huts later, the family had built a LARGE, WHITE, POSSIBLE REVIVAL TENT DIRECTLY BEHIND US.


Their digging and planting within two feet of our towels makes a complete mockery of our meager beach possession as if BEACH LAW doesn’t clearly states that there is a 5 FOOT BUBBLE around each group’s towels and chairs.

Yes, my friends, they were BEACH CREEPERS.

It starts out with a chair too close. Suddenly, there 90’s country music blasting in your ears, the boys are playing football over your head and Grandma’s mistaking you for her disappointing daughter-in-law. At least that’s what you hope all those dirty looks and curse words are about.

They want you to give up your prime real-estate in exchange for peace and quiet. They are forcing you to prove to the rest of the beach-goers that you are, in fact, NOT related to them.

Instead, I let my kids play under their tent. It was clearly in our bubble so it MUST BE OURS.

Plus, no one’s going to make me listen to country music without getting sand on their towels.

When my husband walked up to our beach invasion, he yelled: DO YOU HAVE A FLAG? Here’s why: (click here if you can’t see the video)

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

24 thoughts to “Beach Creeper”

  1. Beach creepers are the worst.

    That has got to be the biggest beach tent ever. Way too much work for a visit to the beach (unless they had “people” who did that for them).

    I love me some Eddie Izzard! Great clip.

  2. Hilarious and I think this is true for everywhere you go. There is ALWAYS that family who has no regards for personal space and they always seem to plant themselves right next to us.

  3. I will never have a desire to lug anything close to that tent out to the beach. Next year you need to be prepare with a Late Enough logo flag. Maybe a few so you can mark out the 5 foot bubble in case anyone can’t remember it.

  4. Eddie Izzard is perhaps my personal god. I cannot even tell you how many times I have quoted that particular bit. Well, that & tea & cake or death. Everyone always goes for tea & cake… OOooo! Or what about the part with Noah with the big hair? I love that too, although I think that’s from a different set. Anywho, my thought is this — you & Scott put in some serious time memorizing the routine (fun!) & then act it out the next time you get a beach creeper situations. I’m pretty sure that Eddie Izzard would physically repel late 90s country music like oil & water. Or Jennifer Aniston & Angelina Jolie. Pick your pop culture reference.

  5. Oh I HATE that. Especially since, when I go to the beach, it’s just lil’ ol me, and my chair, and my teeny umbrella. I don’t require much space, and because of that, people think they can edge me out. I was there a few weeks ago, and a bunch of teenagers playing football literally made me the goal line.

    It was all fun and games until I told one of them that he had not, in fact, scored the touchdown he was celebrating.

    “If I’m the goal line, you were about a foot short, kid.”

    They moved farther down the beach after that.

  6. A similar phenomenon happens at Disneyland, say, while waiting for a parade.
    Hubby is one of those people who needs to stake out space about two hours prior to the parade, thus driving his wife and toddler out of their minds. Ultimately we know our staked-out ten foot parameter will shrink considerably by the time the parade comes down the street, to the point where we may as well have sneaked in at the last minute.

    My favorite part of this? It’s when complete strangers decide it’s perfectly ok to use our stroller to lean on, put their drinks on, or put their trash in. (Can you see this is a budding blog post I’m attempting very hard to keep in check?)

    Sorry to hear about the beach creepers. That really stinks. 🙁 If that happens again and any of your little ones are still in diapers, I suggest waiting until you have an especially stinky diaper, changing it and then leaving it out in the sun to bake VERY close to the creepers. (Just make sure you remember to pack it up when you leave, I wouldn’t want to contribute to littering at a beach.) 😉

  7. love this! we were victims of the same creepy tendencies just last week. only, instead of 90s country music they had about 50 bajillion kids. it was a school group on a field trip and they set up, literally, 3 feet from where my two-year-old and I were building and knocking down sand castles.

    Due to their sheer numbers and volume we did cede our sand space and move down the beach a ways before the stampede for the water began and we were trampled to dust.

  8. I’m glad you were there to put those beach imperialists in their place. Never give in! I think next time (if there is a next time) you should also instruct your kids to run in the tent every time they have to fart.

  9. The beach creepers are the tongue kissing cousins to the gym dooshes and the pool losers.

    Allow me to explain.

    I go to the gym to not look like I’m 40 years old and I have some health issues. I’m not there to get abs. I’ll never have abs…ever. But there are people there who have them. They also have tribal tattoos, gallons of distilled water. matching gym outfits, grunting issues while lifting, and there crap is everywhere so I can’t get to the handful of exercises I need to not be a fat slob. The gymbags full of granola bars, the viles of steroids,a nd their 37 hand towels.

    The pool losers are even more insidous. They “reserve” six beach chairs when they need two. They have 37 towels when they need 3. They glare at me and my kids for you know, having fun at the pool.

    I rest my case your honor.

  10. Next time, you need to pack yourself a big @ss flag, girl. That’s one big @ss tent right there. That’s like “Hootie and the country Blowfish will be playing under this later” big.

  11. I notice similar behavior all over the place: on the train, at the bar, at a restaurant, etc… plenty of room to spread out and yet they come sit right next to me.

  12. i live in a town of beach creepers. around here the acceptable bubble is about 1 foot. but people still break that to get close to the water. It’s super creepy.

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