A Flexitarian Is Not Someone Who Eats Flexible People

Are you a vegetarian?

I get asked a lot. Even when I’m not eating with people. It must be my hippie, liberal, bumper-stickered car being driven by me, a scrawny-armed, greasy-haired lady with strange longing on my face when I see chicken.*

(*I don’t like chicken unless it’s wings from BW3s and maybe once a year during football season. But I WISH I liked chicken all the time and in every form because it’s easy and every other recipe calls for it.)

So clearly after reading my insane chicken explanation, I’m not a vegetarian. In fact, red meat and bacon are my friends!

Even when I called myself a vegetarian back in college, I’d eat a bacon cheeseburger once every six months. Because IT’S DELICIOUS!

And tofu bacon makes me cry.

So my friends dubbed me a FLEXITARIAN.

You know how you have a small spot in your stomach that only gets filled up by dessert?  I have a meat pocket.  IN MY STOMACH, PEOPLE.

But it’s small. And even today, once a week is enough. Okay, maybe twice a week with bacon. But bacon is kinda like candy.

And candy I could eat every night. Okay, fine, I DO eat candy every night.

Red vines. Like red bacon but without the raw, bacterial dangerousness.

Are there Candytarians out there? Because that’s a bumper sticker I could use.

PS. I looked into eating raw bacon because I wanted to get the red vine to raw bacon joke correct because I care. And no one, including Google and THREE RAW BACON FORUMS, could tell me exactly what kind of death or illness I would get, IF ANY. Twitter mostly got grossed out so I spent an inordinate amount of time explaining that this was RESEARCH and not A PLAN. Even my resident expert in all things food and bacterial, @AmoebaMike, could only assure me that pork is the safest raw meat to eat here in the U.S. and then proceeded to make up words. By this point, I didn’t even bother with Facebook because I’d already gotten people riled up on my personal Facebook page over what happens when my Gmail memory is full. So just eat Red Vines and don’t email me anything important today because I plan to delete it immediately.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

32 thoughts to “A Flexitarian Is Not Someone Who Eats Flexible People”

  1. When I became vegetarian, chicken was the first thing I gave up because I liked it the least. I guess technically I am a flexi-pescetarian because I eat seafood about once a year, but that just sounds silly!

    You know those commercials that say you can lose weight if you just replace one meal a day with a bowl of cereal? I bet the same thing would happen if you replaced a meal with candy. You should totally create nutrient-enhanced candy and sell the Candytarian diet!

  2. I always thought bacon was smoked-therefore cooked already. And I like it almost not cooked. (I know, everyone, you can all go puke now). And its actually pretty good. So :-P. Though I probably shouldn’t stick my tongue out at those who just puked.

  3. I am TOTALLY a Candytarian! And, now I must have some Red Vines (which are a million times better than the Twizzlers).

    I still can’t get the chicken thing, though. Have you tried using white meat? That’s all we eat!

  4. I have a friend that is a flexitarian as well. She really tries to be a devout vegetarian – but during her period she has to eat a steak! While she devours it, she tells everyone to shut up.

  5. A work friend once talked about how she was a vegetarian and then started listing all these exceptions (pork chops, buffalo wings). So I said “So you’re not actually a vegetarian then…” and she paused and said “I guess not.” I kept the most delightfully straight face the whole time.

  6. I hate bacon. But I love candy. I think I’m the only person in the meat eating world who dislikes bacon. I even know vegetarians who cheat with bacon. Oh well.

  7. I guess I’m a Flexatarian too.

    Also, I knew a girl who knew a guy whose dad ate undercooked pork and got worms. In his brain. He had to have surgery to remove the worms and OMG I’m gagging just writing about it.

  8. What will it take for someone to make maple ice cream with bacon? Am I the only one who would buy that?

    I despise breakfast in the mornings, but will often cook it for supper, just so I can have some bacon. I don’t mind chicken, but bacon IS the candy of the meat world. That, and coppa. Have you ever had coppa? Better than prosciutto.

  9. To clarify a thing or two:
    Bacon is a pork product. The nastiest bug you’ll find in which is trichinosis. The CDC reports there’s an average of about a dozen cases per year in the US. (Think about all those people getting E Coli from spinach and green onions and such during this time.)

    Some bacon you buy is precooked and only needs to be warmed up. If it’s raw and you buy it frozen, it’s pretty much okay to eat it raw or undercooked. If it’s fresh, it should be heated to 145 degrees F (but really trichinosis dies at 138), but who temps their bacon? I don’t recommend eating it raw, but really there are far worse things you could be eating undercooked. (Namely: 1) poultry, or 2) ground anything.)

    Thanks for the link love Alex.

  10. I actually knew a guy who nibbled on raw bacon when he was cooking breakfast. Gag. Big time.

    I’m a flexitarian too. Not because I don’t like to eat meat, but because cooking it grosses me out. I have no choice but to either hire a personal chef or eat more veggies.

  11. I’m a candyterian! If I could I would eat only candy, but I can’t (boo my body). I have theory (much life a child) that heaven is made of candy and you can just walk up to random things and take a bit out of them and never get fat <——- that's my favorite part right there.

  12. Have you had TJ’s beef bacon? I believe it is made for you. Better baked than fried I would say. I, oddly enough, am from Nebraska and hate steak. That’s right. Home of Omaha Steaks and there’s no way I’d be happy about eating one. I’ve had one incredible fillet before that melted like butter and that was it…and really all I needed. Now chocolate. There we go.

  13. I think we’re eating twins. Wait – that sounds all kinds of wrong. This is a case where inflection is helpful. We are not in actuality chewing on twins. I just mean that we have similar eating habits. Whatever…

    Anyway. I was asked the other day if I’m a vegan b/c of what I ordered (soy milk in my coffee and a bean & avocado breakfast taco). But I, sadly, do not have scrawny arms. Once I stepped around to the pick-up counter and she got a better look at who she was dealing with, I bet the poor girl felt silly for thinking I was vegan. Clearly, I’m familiar with the cheeseburger.

    I feel the same way about chicken (blech), bacon (heaven) and red vines (crack). Why is chicken in every freaking recipe and why am I not smart enough to modify those recipes to use something other than fowl?

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