Are you a vegetarian?
I get asked a lot. Even when I’m not eating with people. It must be my hippie, liberal, bumper-stickered car being driven by me, a scrawny-armed, greasy-haired lady with strange longing on my face when I see chicken.*
(*I don’t like chicken unless it’s wings from BW3s and maybe once a year during football season. But I WISH I liked chicken all the time and in every form because it’s easy and every other recipe calls for it.)
So clearly after reading my insane chicken explanation, I’m not a vegetarian. In fact, red meat and bacon are my friends!
Even when I called myself a vegetarian back in college, I’d eat a bacon cheeseburger once every six months. Because IT’S DELICIOUS!
And tofu bacon makes me cry.
So my friends dubbed me a FLEXITARIAN.
You know how you have a small spot in your stomach that only gets filled up by dessert? I have a meat pocket. IN MY STOMACH, PEOPLE.
But it’s small. And even today, once a week is enough. Okay, maybe twice a week with bacon. But bacon is kinda like candy.
And candy I could eat every night. Okay, fine, I DO eat candy every night.
Are there Candytarians out there? Because that’s a bumper sticker I could use.
PS. I looked into eating raw bacon because I wanted to get the red vine to raw bacon joke correct because I care. And no one, including Google and THREE RAW BACON FORUMS, could tell me exactly what kind of death or illness I would get, IF ANY. Twitter mostly got grossed out so I spent an inordinate amount of time explaining that this was RESEARCH and not A PLAN. Even my resident expert in all things food and bacterial, @AmoebaMike, could only assure me that pork is the safest raw meat to eat here in the U.S. and then proceeded to make up words. By this point, I didn’t even bother with Facebook because I’d already gotten people riled up on my personal Facebook page over what happens when my Gmail memory is full. So just eat Red Vines and don’t email me anything important today because I plan to delete it immediately.