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My Son Is Back In His Dead Phase

by Alex Iwashyna

in Motherhood, My Daughter, My Family, My Son

My son’s back in his dead phase.

A dead phase example.

He’s dead whenever it’s time to go inside, cleanup, go to bed, move, eat anything but candy and even when I suggest that he find his good attitude. I can’t. I’m dead. Because dead people don’t have attitudes. Duh.

Last week, he died in my arms. I was trapped under his dead weight, and E was completely unwilling to move.

Because I mentioned THE DEADLIEST JOB IN AMERICA: SANDBOX TOY PICKUP

Me: E, you need to put away your sandbox toys before we go inside.

Dramatic collapse into my lap.

Me: E, get up.

E: I can’t. I’m dead.

I think: Alright, kid. It’s on like Donkey Kong.

I turn to his sister.

Me: N! Guess what? Your brother is dead! Now, we can use him as a chair like we’ve ALWAYS WANT TO DO. He won’t mind. Because he’s DEAD. Come on over and sit on him.

N comes charging over and plops down on my dead son’s stomach.

E is not pleased.

He bucks once. He twists twice. N goes flying.

I rejoice {after consoling N}: E!  YOU’RE ALIVE!

E: No, I’m not.

Me: Oh, so you want to be a chair again.

E: No!

Me {back to rejoicing}: Oh, I’m so happy to have you back. You’re cute and cuddly even after you’ve been dead. And I KNOW that you’ll be that much better at cleaning up your toys. Let’s grab those sandbox shovels, Lazarus.

And he did!  Until he died again at dinnertime.  At this rate, I’ll be surpassing Jesus in miracles some time next month.

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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

Tracey June 14, 2011 1

Lazarus. That made me snort out loud with delight. Excellent reference!

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Katie June 14, 2011 2

i may have snorted at the fact that you called your son Lazarus.

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K June 14, 2011 3

Your son is clearly part possum.

Also, I may try playing dead when my boss asks me for something at work. Here’s hoping she doesn’t try to use me as a chair.

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Chara June 14, 2011 4

He is so dramatic and creative. I love it! And you truly ARE brilliant. I don’t necessarily want to say that you are the “gifted” one since I like to think my pediatrician is gifted…however, this is a huge sway. :o)

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Sarah June 14, 2011 5

Oh, the ladies at work are wondering what I am snickering about!

I can honestly say that my children has never tried the dead thing, and thank goodness for that. I don’t know that I would have been as resourceful as you! My younger son does try the “I’m asleep” thing, but people who are asleep can always be woken up…
Sarah recently posted..Hypochondriac

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KLZ June 14, 2011 6

If you can also start turning water into wine, you could have a real money maker on your hands there.

You need both services. No, hear me out.

First, you make wine-water to console those who have just had loved ones die. Then, you bring the loved one back. THEN you sell them wine-water at an extremely jacked up price for the celebration.

Ah, the miracle of extortion.
KLZ recently posted..Tips for Potty Training Boys

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Tracie June 15, 2011 7

That idea is all kinds of genius!
Tracie recently posted..The Only Kiss

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Angela Alvarez June 14, 2011 8

Ah yes, the miracle of child resuscitation… I was quite the dier in my day. My 18 MO son will, I am sure, follow in your son’s deadweight faints. If you think about it, what with all the vampire fads, you are quite cool to have such a dead-undead kid ;)

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Abby June 14, 2011 9

LOL. That’s hilarious. Terrific response by the way. A+ Parenting.

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Lady Jennie June 15, 2011 10

That’s a great mommy tactic.

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Alison@Mama Wants This June 15, 2011 11

Hahahaha that’s hilarious! He is certainly dramatic :)
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – Bubbles

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Ann June 15, 2011 12

When my brother used to play dead I had a song–a variation of the Mighty Mouse theme, using the words “Chicky Baby” instead of Mighty Mouse–guaranteed to crack him up.

Worked every time.

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AKeo June 18, 2011 13

Can you come turn my water into wine? And my son’s whine into something more fun… like without the “h”?

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Kristin @ What She Said June 21, 2011 14

It’s this part of parenthood – the creative part – where I fear I will fall short when my kids reaches the age where she’ll start pulling these antics. Well done. And also? Teach me.

And I love that you called your son Lazarus.
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..Talking the Talk

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Marge Wood September 20, 2011 15

I loved this one so much that I posted it to my Facebook account. I’m going to try to remember your lines.

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