Ten Things I Have Said Thanks To My Kids

Sometimes, I stop and listen to myself and think: Wow, parenting is ridiculous. Mostly because I’ve had to say all of these. Sometimes more than once:

1) I FOUND THE MONKEY!

2) Please tell me you didn’t put that in your bottom.

3) We only pick our nose when we think no one is looking.

4) Take the dog out of your mouth.

5) I wish that I was tall enough to catch your hands before they flew away.

6) I’m pretty sure octopuses don’t make that noise.

7) YOU’VE WON A GIANT MARSHMALLOW FOR PEEING IN THE POTTY! {throws marshmallow} Oops, let me get you another one…

8) Well, I would use my magical powers to stop the small green men from getting you.

9) I’m sorry, but pants are only optional in the BACKYARD.

And my favorite:

10) You don’t have to be Batman today.

May you have a Marshmallows-for-Peeing kind of day.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

32 thoughts on “Ten Things I Have Said Thanks To My Kids

  1. Any time I say anything about our blue balls I start giggling. Give the blue balls to daddy. They are either silly bouncy balls or bocce balls, but still…

  2. Ha ha!!! My DH asked me the other day if I really tweeted that I never thought I’d live in a house that smelled like pee. Um, yes? TMI, maybe. But that’s what happens when you have kids. Potty training + diapers + a hot day = pee-smelling house. And you lose your filter about talking about those things because they are just life. Sigh….

      1. I would like to add a caveat to my previous comment.

        Pants are always optional UNLESS you’re my father-in-law in town for a visit.

  3. I’ve had to tell people to take the dog out of their mouths. Good times. I’ve also had to tell people not to throw their appendages at their brother. Yeah.

  4. It is kind of ridiculous, isn’t it? And yet lovely too.

    (I once had to tell Ezra to stop licking the dishwasher. Sigh.)

    1. Haha, I had to tell my roommates daughter to stop licking the dishwasher the other day. She always tries to lick the inside when I’m loading the dirty dishes… GROSS!

  5. LOL. These are awesome. Kids may say the darndest things but man, what they make US say is quite something else isn’t it? Yesterday we sat her stuffed monkey with us at the dinner table and forgot its water, but her dad had his beer close to the monkey. When my daughter insisted that her monkey needed water too, I found myself saying, “Don’t worry – Monkey has beer!”

    She seemed content with that answer. Guess you had to be there 😉

  6. I stumbled upon your blog when you became a Sluiter Nation recruit. And I’m glad. You always make me laugh. And when I’m in class? Laughing is inappropriate so I bite my lips.

    Parenting IS ridiculous.

  7. 2, 3 and of course 4.
    Some that you can reserve for future use:
    “You may not sip Aunt K’s Giggle Juice.”
    “Please tell me you’re not dating Mr. Yellow Toothed Sasquatch.”
    “BRAKES! BRAKES! BRAKES!”

    PS: I can so see you saying #7.

  8. Those are so cute! I wish I could remember some of the things I said or that my children said. I think this blogging thing would have come in handy when my kids were young.

  9. My favorite weird thing I’ve said as a parent is kind of long. But awesomely odd. “Remember that last time you wanted to be naked and play fetch with the dog you ended up with stitches” I’ll leave it to your imagination to think of where those stitches were placed.

  10. Thats funny! Mostly because I said “Sharks are for playing with, not for eating.” And “Everybody keep you fingers out of each other’s butts!” within a span of 5 minutes last night. Love bath time.

  11. Funny! At first I read that you were giving thanks to your kids (for your kids)? Anyway, my favorite was the picking nose one. I find myself having to add not to eat it. bleh

  12. Here’s one that’s probably TMI for some: We only touch ourselves there when we’re alone in the bathroom or in our room.

    I’ve even trotted out the good, ole “Because I said so” on occasion.

  13. These are too funny! Marshmallows!!! We just tore up pieces of toilet paper and let them float in the toilet and asked the kids they were boats and they should try and hit the boats…….marshmallows would have been much more fun!!!

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