You Saved Me From Getting Sick! Kinda!

A few weeks ago, I asked y’all: How can I keep from getting sick?

Here’s what my life would look like if I implemented all your ideas:

I wake up after sleeping as long and as late as I want. (So far? Sounds spectacular.)

I take a shot of vodka. According to my Facebook page, this can be replaced with whiskey.

I wash my hands, face, mouth, nose and eyes. With Listerine. (The burn means it’s working.)

I go downstairs and enjoy a breakfast of fresh organic fruits, vegetables slathered in garlic and floating in chicken noodle soup. Delish?

I throw out all sugar. {crying}

In between bites of garlic that I AGAIN wash down with alcohol, I take zinc, Vitamin D, Vitamin C, Vitamin B, probiotics, Emergen-C, sambucus, and I meditate for fifteen minutes on how I’m not sick.

I go for a run while lifting weights and doing yoga.

I gather my gloves, mask and bio-hazard suit to pick up my kids from school.

When we arrive home, I pour Listerine over each kid before burning their clothing.

I take my next series of vitamins and wash down with 128 ounces of distilled water.

I spend the afternoon in the bathroom.  Peeing.

I inquiry at my bank about a loan to afford the herbs, vitamins, personal chef and nanny required to never get sick again.

I’m turned down because I’m DRUNK.

So what I am really doing?

I take one zinc (30 mg), one Vitamin C (500 mg), one Flintstone vitamin (not FLINESTONE like I’ve called it for 32 years), one fish oil tablet (the size of a small goldfish – seriously, I’m pretty sure 1200 mg swims down my esophagus) and one fiber/calcium tablet (3 g/300 mg). The last two have more to do with my brain and butt than my susceptibility to viruses, but these choices are only vaguely grounded in science so who knows?

I occasionally use my neti pot. I would LIKE to use it nightly. I would also like a back rub nightly while we’re on thr subject.

I wash my hands more.

I try not to pick my nose.  It’s not going well.

I drink green tea with local honey.

I try to get to bed by 10:30 p.m.. (Please don’t notice what time this piece posted.)

I still horde sugar. {SMILING}

I do meditate more often.

I don’t exercise more often.  Unless Angry Birds counts.

I have felt sick three times since the original post.  Each time, I upped my zinc and Vitamin C to twice a day.  My symptoms? ONLY LASTED ONE DAY!

Look how un-sick I am.

Whether it’s all in my head or all in my zinc, thank you.  I’ll take this coincidence.  Plus, my Vitamin C tastes like Sweet Tarts. I would up it just for the extra delicious.

Oh, and if I didn’t take your suggestion, don’t be offended.  It’s just because you can hold your liquor better than me.

PS. A reader requested that I add an Ask Alex section mostly so I could give her good one-liners for idiots who ring the doorbell at nap time, and since I’m so laid-back and chill (shut up), I thought that I would put it out there and see if you ever take advantage of me.  I mean it.

I have a link in “Late Enough Series” which is a new tab above the header.

I may alternative I Ask and I Answer on Fridays. Or no one will ask me anything because I can’t even make pancakes.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

21 thoughts on “You Saved Me From Getting Sick! Kinda!

  1. mmmm green tea. green tea is my crack. I consume entirely too much of it on a daily basis. but it’s SO GOOD!

    I also subscribe to the god of zinc. it’s helped me fight off the last couple of colds that have tried to kick my ass. zinc is like my bodyguard. which makes me feel like a celebrity.

  2. It’s a good thing you didn’t follow the advice your followers recommended. You would probably be passed out drunk and wake up with a hangover the next day feeling even worse.

  3. well, good luck with that. i am currently on my SECOND ten-day course of omnicef for the sinus infection that swelled up my whole face, because the first ten days apparently wasn’t enough. (therefore i am also, as you the MD can imagine, dosing up on the probiotics….my poor little gut is in knots!) however, i am convinced that this outrage is the direct result of slacking off on the neti pot, which i did for most of the winter out of sheer laziness. fwiw, i find the neti pot a lot more comfortable to use in the shower than over the sink. no idea why, but i can totally have a whole conversation while i’m using it in there. not that there is any reason, ever, to do so. except kids.

  4. Glad to hear you are feeling less sick. Although I think 3 times since your question (less than 3 weeks ago) is scary. But obviously it is a vast improvement for you. Congrats!

  5. Here’s one for you. How do you keep from getting sick…while pregnant?? They frown on the whole shot of vodka/whiskey thing…there’s just so much I can’t do…or that would poison my fetus, etc.

    I may also be bitter (and delirious) because I just got bronchitis for the 1st time ever & I have not slept in like 5 days.

    Whee!

    1. Oh no! I got bronchitis for this first time this winter too. But of course, I wasn’t preggo (thank GOD).

      The prenatal vitamins should help. Otherwise? The honey and hot tea. Neti pot. Oh and STOP LICKING YOUR HANDS.

      PS. Do you have a hippy dippy midwife. Mine always had crazy herb/homeopathic ideas for me! WHOO HOO!

      1. I so need to find the hippy dippy midwife. The pharmaceutical approach that I usually take doesn’t work so well at the moment. Hehe

        I’m not supposed to lick my hands?? Dammit.

        Many people have recommended the neti pot to me…it kinda scares me tho. I’m afraid I’ll inhale the liquid or not tip my head far enough & end up swallowing it…or just have some other coughing, sputtering disaster.

  6. I’m glad all the advice is working! I need to take some other people’s advice too because it turns out I had strep for 3 weeks without realizing it and after treatment I might still have it. Ugh. Zinc, you have failed me! (I knew I’d regret not eating garlic every morning.)

  7. Possibly best post ever. Well, in the funny category. Still thinking about drunk Alex pouring listerine on her children. Still laughing.

  8. i have never used a neti pot. it makes me thinking of gagging.

    also liquor “tastes like burning” but I am convinced that it convinces me I am fine. TOTALLY FINE, DAMNIT! WHAT?!?!

    um. you look pretty.

    done.

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