The Lotus Position And Other Reasons To Not Meditate

Remember our marriage rules? Well, my husband and I decide to do a meditation Sunday night for “spiritual night.” Which is not a euphemism.  Most nights.

We turn to iTunes.  Because what guru isn’t podcasting these days?

As it turns out, a lot them.  We peruse our twenty-five gurus.  And although the meditation marked EXPLICIT is tempting, I’m not sure that I can handle the grunting.

So we pick AJ’s Meditation to Calm the Mind and settle into lotus position of knee pain.

However, AJ’s podcast begins with a lawyer reading a disclaimer: You cannot hold AJ accountable for any harm which may befall you while listening to this meditation.

So I spend the first five minutes meditating about possible harms that may befall me. I fixate on the soothing AJ screaming, which would cause my calm mind to permanently freak out from this sudden shift in mood, except my family will have no one to sue and be stuck taking care of perma-freaked Alex.

I’m exactly why people have disclaimers.

Between my worrying, AJ continuously suggests that we sit and breathe.  Five times.  And then he reminds us again.  Well, just the breathing part, we don’t actually have to be reminded to sit more than once.

We breathe with AJ for awhile longer.

Then AJ tells us to go at our own pace.

And there’s silence. Complete and utter silence.

Breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe

Still no music or talking.

Breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe


Scott: Psst, is it still playing?

Me: What did you say? The silence is deafening.

Scott: Is the podcast still on?

Me: I think so… {open eyes, touch computer, fight urge to check email} Yup, it’s still playing. {close eyes}

Breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe

Me: Psst, do you think it’s 12 more minutes of silence?

Breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe

Me: Silence is way past my level of expertise.

Scott: Fast forward to see if he talks again.

We skip ahead a minute and guru AJ is back and asking us to repeat after him.

AJ: My mind is clear.

Scott & I: My mind is clear.

AJ: My conscience is clear.

Me: Oh my gawd, he knows that we fast-forwarded the meditation.

Back to breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe

Notice sllooooowwww breathing

Me: Scott, are you asleep?

Scott: No…

Eye Scott suspiciously while breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe

AJ: Events having meaning because I attached meaning to them.

Scott & I: Events having meaning because I attached meaning to them.

Me {thinking}: My back hurts. No, I am noticing my back. And I’m adding the word to hurt to it.  Breathe. Nope, it hurts. Okay, well hurt isn’t bad.  Breathe.  Um, yes it is.  I am in the now of hurt, AJ.

Breathe hurt breathe hurt breathe hurt breathe hurt breathe hurt

Meditative silence.

Oh wait, no, podcast just abruptly ends.

Scott: Wow! Those 16 minutes went by fast!

Me: I think I broke a lung.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

19 thoughts to “The Lotus Position And Other Reasons To Not Meditate”

  1. That is why I don’t do yoga. It forces me to breathe correctly and my body doesn’t know what to do with all that so I get light headed and dizzy and that leads to hot flashes….or I fall asleep.

  2. Yeah, J and I tried yoga together. For about a week. Neither of us achieved the desirable spiritual results. I couldn’t stop giggling. I do much better with just music in the background for meditation.

  3. Speaking of meditation, the Dr. Oz show was on at the gym today and I was quite amused. It was about CAM and Dr. Oz kept provoking the audience “Doesn’t it bother you that your doctors don’t know about alternative medicine?” “Doesn’t it bother you that all they want you to do is take medications?”. I sort of felt he was trying to start a riot.

    Then this other doctor comes on and says he thinks meditation is good for stress relief and lowering blood pressure but if you have cancer you should consider it as an adjuct to western medicine. Dr Oz responds “Well, you never know, maybe through meditation we are able to harness our immune system and fight cancer”. Sure, maybe there is a way to mildly boost your immune system, but I’m pretty sure you’re not meditating metastatic cancer away. I know the day will come when I ask my patient if they are doing their home exercises for rotator cuff rehab and they’ll say “But Dr. Oz said that physical therapy is for suckers”.

  4. Maybe you should have gone with envisioning the balloon 🙂 I gotta admit — a life long yogi and I suck at meditation. The kids mediations are so much more fun to me. And no creepy-stalker breathing.

  5. I think it says a lot about me that this post gave me huge anxiety. I’m serious. I just read it as fast as I could while my forehead sweated and I wanted to jump out of my skin.

    I’d say that we are no longer the same person except it sounds like you did not enjoy yourself so maybe there is still hope.

    I need a drink.

  6. Pretty funny! I was laughing the whole time!
    I don’t think I could handle meditation. I prefer to crowd my space with noise and distraction. It’s why I had so many kids.

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