The Great Chicken Event

I took y’all’s suggestions and have been cooking your meals. I even made chicken for my family.  I HATE CHICKEN. But because I am unbelievably amazing, I decided to incorporate it into my quesadilla dinner on Monday night.

The Great Chicken Event:

I finish work early and head to the grocery store. Organic chicken is on sale so I buy two. I’m thrifty! And I’m proud! Until I look at the clock. It’s 11 a.m.. I pick up my daughter at 12 and my son at 12:30 p.m.. Putting the thrifty chicken in my refrigerator at 1 p.m..

Commence frantic tweet that comes off as nonchalant:


And I received multiple crazed responses that range from my family is going to die to let the car cook it.


I go with the two tweets that say: It’ll be fine.

And not because I hate chicken and am only risking my husband and two children. Probably.

In all the excitement surrounding my thrifty and dangerous purchase and transportation home, I forget that I’ve only cooked chicken once since the Great Chicken Incident of 2001. So, of course, I start tweeting again, but I forget to ask advice on how to actually cook it because I’m too busy trying to keep my computer from dying.

@deliaalley and I form a brain trust and create the best twitter plan a Monday has ever seen: I continue to use my computer keyboard, but I dip my fingers in a bleach and acid mixture after each use, thereby slowly removing all my fingerprints so I can save my computer from salmonella AND become a crime lord. Added bonus? Villains definitely do not need to cook chicken! Or cook delicious chicken! I can’t remember, but I’ll at least get to steal the chicken first. How thrifty is that?

The second best plan is to put my computer outside to get a tan. Although that seems unfair for me to own a computer that is less pasty than my legs.

The moral of the story is the chicken didn’t kill my family.

My computer is still a pasty deathtrap of salmonella.

And my quesadillas were perfect.


Because my children still refused to eat them.

Special thanks to @JDareG, @LaLibertine, @Walt313, @latorres, @letmepeeinpeace, @andie141, @P0TUS, @In_Mandyland, @AmeobaMike, @LittleHenHouse, @TwoAdults, and @PerpetuallyKate for also helping. If I forgot you, let me know. Or just hate me.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

15 thoughts to “The Great Chicken Event”

  1. I can eat chicken…as long as I don’t see or touch it when it is raw, first. Because if that happens, (ewww) there is no chicken eating for me.

    I would really like to have a quesadilla now.

  2. Too funny. Did you try to smother them with cheese? Kids will eat anything that has mountains of cheese on top.

    In the summer I keep a cooler in my car’s trunk. Before you go to store, throw a few cubes of ice in it and off you go.

  3. And this is why I let my husband cook almost every family meal…I like chicken, but I miserably fail at cooking it each and every time. Chicken, among other things.

  4. 1. i’m glad you didn’t kill your family with the chicken.

    2. chicken wigs me out. i don’t know why. and my husband LOVES it. apparently b/c he’s jewish. and he says, the jews have a deep relationship with chicken.

  5. I know there is humor at this site, so excuse my science. It’s about to show. Also, I know you’re incredibly smart Alex, so don’t take this as advice for you, but for those who might follow your lead.

    The way to get salmonella off your keyboard is to wipe it down with a bleach solution (after unplugging it). As for why raw chicken would be near your keyboard, I have no idea.

    (Also, don’t mix acids and bases. At best, they’ll neutralize each other. At worst, they’ll blow up.)

  6. Well.. that was different. I’ve read and reread the post. Focusing on the dipping of fingers into bleach. “After each use”. Use of the keyboard or the chicken? Were you seasoning the chicken with bleach?

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