I Found A Nose Hair

I didn’t want to yell in the title but OMG! I FOUND A NOSE HAIR!

And not just Oh, I noticed hairs in my nose because everyone has hairs in their noses. Even the beautiful people.

No, this particular nose hair is trying to meet up with his friends in the other nostril, and he is taking the scenic route along my upper lip.

I immediately think: I need to call Scott! He’ll be so excited!

Because one of Scott’s nose hairs once winked at me. And the other’s applauded.

Plus, I need a nose hair mentor, and Scott’s gone through four nose hair clippers. He’s like the four star general of nose hair.

I also know that I may not reach him in a timely manner. He’s doing this thing called work {air quotes}, and I have places to be!

I push. I pull. I talk large quantities of smack.

I finally shake my fist at the errant rebel and scoured the bathroom for a nose hair removal kit.

All I find are toe nail clippers.

Toe nail clippers are NOT the same thing. (Trust me and let’s move on.)

Finally, I spy Scott’s newest nose hair trimmer. It’s sharp!

Flashback: The first time I used a leg razor under supervision, I cut the crap out of my legs AND fingers. Fingers? Yes, I thought that I would PICK THE HAIR OUT OF THE BLADES.

I’m an idiot.

But I’m not so stupid that I would put a sharp object in my nose… bloody noses are not more attractive than a single nose hair. Unless it’s bloody because I got into a fight defending my honor. Or in order to save the world. Otherwise, not attractive.

I reach out to my mentor. Who is UNAVAILABLE. (Work sucks.) But I am happy to have left Scott a message to make him feel less old man.

And, finally, I take a deep breath. I grab the tweezers. I scrunch my eyes, flatten my upper lip, then I open my eyes because you can’t scrunch your eyes and flatten your upper lip.*

I pluck.

It didn’t hurt at all.

My mentor would be proud.

*Who’s trying this RIGHT NOW?

Me, too. Again.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

36 thoughts to “I Found A Nose Hair”

  1. I haven’t gotten an inside nose hair, but I do get a weird white, almost invisible hair on the end of my nose that seems to taunt me.

    Plus chin hairs. Chin hairs galore.

    Glad you didn’t bloody yourself, and congratulations on a job well done.

    1. Ooh, I get white hairs in my eyebrows. I like to think of them as blonde. That doesn’t really help you at all, does it?

      I’m glad I didn’t bloody myself either — although I think defending my honor would be a sweet vlog.

  2. 🙂 Your husband must be oh so proud of all the mentions of him in here. I think if my husband would be in Scott’s place, he would be handing me divorce papers about now. Glad Scott has a sense of humor. LOL

    Did I mention you are brave writing something like this? Do you know Wendy from Very Bored in catalunya? You guys would get along fab.

  3. Alex.

    *shakes head*

    SCISSORS, my dear. Small, adorable cuticle scissors. Works everytime!!

    And just be glad it didn’t grow out of your chin. I have ONE chin hair that refuses to leave. Just ONE. Bad chin hair.

  4. I would just pretend it doesn’t exist. And hope that makes it go away.

    I call myself shower-shaving impaired b/c I can’t shave my lets unless I take a bath. So, I’d be afraid to try anything more ambitious.

  5. I am amazed that this did not hurt A LOT! If it makes you feel better, I am getting more and more of my face waxed every time I go to get my eyebrows done. It won’t be long before they’ll just be dipping my face into a vat of wax. Yuck 🙁

  6. I think you should use a whole box of tissues to remove it. Then you can create a memorial to it with the empty box.

  7. Dying. I’m dying over here. Once when I was pregnant and had weird hairs growing in various places on my body where they shouldn’t have been and feeling just downright unattractive in general, my husband and I were cuddling romantically on the couch when suddenly he leaned in close to me and said very seriously, “You have a giant hair coming out of your nostril and curling up around your nose like a little handlebar mustache.”

    And I’m jealous that plucking your nose hair didn’t hurt. When I pluck my nose hairs, my eyes water, my nose runs, I cry a little, and I’m pretty sure a kitten dies.

  8. I’m blessed not to have any weird hairs in places they shouldn’t be.

    What? Stop looking at my chin. LEAVE ME ALONE, there’s nothing there to see! (*runs into bathroom, grabs dainty lady shaver, removes evidence*)

  9. i did not do the face and let me tell you why. I have a cold right now and doing that face would release the snot hounds down my face.

    but boom to you for conquering the nose hair of doom.

  10. I call myself shower-shaving impaired b/c I can’t shave my lets unless I take a bath. Just ONE. And I’m jealous that plucking your nose hair didn’t hurt.

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