I Pick My Nose

We have a zit sighting and we're going in

And ears.

Between my teeth.

Under my fingernails.

The corners of my eyes, too.

I’m a picker.

I love finding boogers, wax, scabs, zits.

I’m always looking for more crust to pick off. It feels…. satisfying.

I even have a cat who gets boogers. Black ones. It’s like God wants me to pick.

When y’all suggested that my hearing problems were due to earwax, I was jealous of Scott and his opportunity to PICK PICK PICK. Except it turns out I’m an EXPERT PICKER because I had no earwax whatsoever. I’m proud and disappointed. Proud at my mad picking skills but sad that I’m deaf.

I would join the Picker Olympic Team if the I.O.C. would ever return my phone calls.

But the best news, that nobody ever told me, is how awesome motherhood would be for a picker. It’s top ten best thing about having kids. (The rest of the list is sappy and sweet, okay?)

Children constantly have snot in their nose, eyes, ears, mouths and for the first year, they can’t even TRY to do it themselves. PICK PICK PICK {happy sigh}

I feel like I should note here that I draw the line at picking off my children’s scabs. Because those can hurt and scar. My picking isn’t about pain. And neither is parenting. Well, parenting is a little bit about terrible emotional pain as you watch your children hurt by other children, but physical pain? No. Well, parenting is a little bit about terrible physical pain as you are jumped on from the monkey bars six feet in the air without any warning.

Okay, so I just don’t believe in hurting my children even though it turns out they hurt me all the time. Well, unless the scab is hanging by a thread on their little knees. Then I look at them quick and PICK PICK PICK when they look away. They don’t even notice.


Because our parenting days goes a little something like this:

Me: Ooh honey! You have a great booger!
N/E: No.
Me: Let me just get it.
N/E: NO.
Me {sigh}: Okay. You get it.

Tissues are found. WIPE WIPE WIPE.

Me: You didn’t get it.


N/E: Okay, done.
Me: Um, it’s still there. Let me get it!
N/E: Noooooo.
Me: Okay.

I agree because I want to respect my children’s autonomy over their bodies so I ignore its pickability.








Me: Sorry.

{slightly satisfied look}

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

37 thoughts to “I Pick My Nose”

  1. ewwwwwww! But funny. Boogers are gross… but I find myself constantly picking them out of noses, getting crusties out of eyes… both for babies and the dog. Figures that I hate boogers and surrounded by 3 babies that require me to constantly come in contact with snot.

  2. omg this post was so funny :
    “Proud at my mad picking skills but sad that I’m deaf.”
    LOL I dont know why I feel the need to point out the line I found the funniest but I think it’s in hopes that you continue to write similar funny lines?
    Also who doesn’t pick their boogs? They’re lying if they say they don’t. Even if you use a tissue like you’re still picking your nose. Just needed to get that point out there.

  3. I’m like this with J’s pimples. I can’t just leave them be! I always feel horrible when it hurts him, and I stop and go, ‘sorry sorry sorry! But I got it!’ with this big smile on my face.
    I should take this moment to apologise to my future children.

  4. Alex often has earwax so great that balls of it fall into his ears. When I go for it the whole family yells at me for picking. I suppose my reputation is well know. But who could just leave that there?!?!? It’s amazing I leave him alone long enough for it to get like thaT

  5. Yay! Another fellow picker. Preston gets so pissed when I try to pick things on him. He claims I hurt him. Whatever. I pick Tripp as well. I guess we are connecting with evolution and apes, but at least we don’t eat it. Or I know I don’t. 🙂 And now you know one of the reasons I become a dental hygienist. I get to pick poop off people’s teeth.

  6. We are like souls I tell you!!

    I am a bonified, habitual picker. It’s so gratifying and a stress relief. And, I’m not ashamed of it either.

    Ask my husband. I ask to pick his zits on a pretty regular basis. He doesn’t get it but obliges. Especially if I see a huge, ripe one on him. Whether it be on his chest, back, or face if I don’t pop it or get him to pop it, the thing will drive me nuts! (I may or may not lose sleep over it…I’ll never tell.)

    I think a lot of people are pickers. We should start a club.

  7. TOTAL PICKER RIGHT HERE! and i too tell my son “hold on, that’s a good one. let me just try once more…”

    also, there’s this zit on my back that i need popped and i can’t reach it.

    lil help plz?

  8. loose teeth are going to be a problem for you. I just know it.

    I’m the same way. if something is off or different, I have to pick at it. it’s awful. truly awful.

  9. Oh, I’m a picker too. My #1 worst habit. When I was a teen I couldn’t leave my pimples alone even under the threat of facial scarring. As an adult I spend way too much time inspecting my pores in the bathroom. I also pick at my cuticles which is ugly but I CANNOT stop. You are not alone and NOT weird. I hope.

  10. I laughed so hard reading this, it’s SO me!! I find myself extra-picky when pregnant, almost to the point of being obsessive. Thankfully we’re done having kids…..or are we? 😉

  11. You are hilarious. I would never have the guts to post this even though I totally do it too. I pick everything. Not scabs though. Those hurt. Kudos to you on posting this. You’re so honest. Love it

  12. One more reason why I love you. Do you know that in my ‘About’ page, I state that people who don’t admit they pick their nose are liars?

    I am also a picker. I LOVE tweezing my eyebrows. Now that I’m married, I get TWO sets of eyebrows to pluck. It’s fabulous. Scabs, torn finger/toe nails, zits- you name it.

    Sometimes at work, when my patients are asleep, I sit there and look at their face- which may be covered with chin hair or zits or a unibrow and I SOO badly want to pluck/pick them. Because who WOULDN’T want a free eyebrow job thrown in with their surgery?

    I don’t though. Probably is considered battery.

  13. The internet is so. freaking. great. Why? Because you can find people who are just like you in your weirdness. Only in this case, like me but way braver. Because I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have been cool enough (yes, cool enough) to post to the world about my picking addiction like you did. But I’m soo excited to find a fellow picker. Zits, boogers, scabs (my own and others’ if they’ll let me… or I’m fast enough and they’re unwitting and I know them well enough to know they won’t call the cops on me), and my personal favorite: sunburn peel. It’s embarrassing how excited I get when my husband burns his back in the summer, but oh… YES! In a few days (even though he hates it and makes me put aloe and lotion on for days after), I get to go at that flaky skin (I’ll do it for hours without stopping) and I. Love. It.

    Pickers, unite! Way to share, Alex!

  14. Are we allowed to admit we’re all nosepickers now? Thank god! It has been eating me up inside. The baby WILL NOT let me pick her nose. She’ll shake her head furiously and make it impossible. But her boogers? Big, crusty and right on the edge. IT KILLS ME.

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