If You Enjoy Valentine’s Day, Please Take Your Puffy Heart Self Somewhere Else

The fact that New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day are so close together should be proof that our ancestors and Hallmark hate us. There are no two holidays that have higher expectations or more pathetic drinking stories associated with them. And they are six weeks apart in the dead of winter.

If you make it through New Year’s Eve unscathed, the universe is like HAHAHAHA wait until you forget to buy roses for your girlfriend — oh wait YOU DON’T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

Of course, I have a husband so I have a built-in Valentine. I also have two kids, some needy grandparents and no desire to stay up past 10 p.m. unless it’s to watch one more episode of Dexter.

Pre-kids, our first Valentine’s was to make pink pizza. Pizza being my favorite food. And pink being the color of St. Valentine’s face when he was told that there’s a holiday full of candy hearts that say TOTALLY RAD and expensive dinners in his honor.

I’m sure there was more to Scott’s and my first Valentine’s Day together but seeing red food coloring getting mushed into pizza dough scarred me for life.

I’m just not a puffy hearts kind of person. I’m a break-up-with-my-boyfriend kind of Valentine’s celebrator. Romance makes me awkward. More awkward.

I love candy, but Halloween is WAY better for that.

I rarely wear jewelry.

Fancy restaurants are full of food I don’t like.

Flowers die and then sit in the vase for another three weeks until I can’t pretend the smell is coming from my cat, and I lift up the slime-covered stems only to have dead petals follow me on the death march to a trash can nearest you.

I don’t eat chocolate unless I’m desperate. Which probably makes it the most appropriate Valentine’s day gift.

I hate romantic comedies. Last year, I picked the Valentine’s Day movie. I chose PS. I Love You. Let’s review the synopsis: Soulmates meet. One dies. And from the grave, spends a year getting the other one to move on.

Love you! Please don’t die!

The only thing Valentine’s Day offers me is my favorite color, red.

And I appreciate a good heart gif.

Okay, the last one’s a little creepy.

Even the preschool requested my son put his name on over two dozen cards. My four-year-old is not going to write his name twenty-four times in a row on a space smaller than an index card and not learn to hate the holiday. Of course, with me as a mom, his experience with Valentine’s Day may be less than stellar.

Anyway, I, of course, don’t want other moms to think my kid can’t write his name BECAUSE HE CAN. So he wrote E on every card. Because that’s his famous Internet name anyway. Scott considered making a stamp of his name. Like middle management has at every major cooperation to encourage pawning off work to the interns. I guess that makes Scott and I the interns of our home.

Anyway, we will celebrate Valentine’s Day. Scott’s on-call during our date, and we scheduled a second dental surgery for my son on the 14th. At least we’ve already amassed twenty-eight small Valentine’s Day cards, four pencils and a tub of playdough from preschool.

Now, we’ll just have to get through St. Patrick’s Day where everyone pretends to be a drunk leprechaun. I’ll plan for detached retinas, a splinter removal, and I’ll burn dinner. I wouldn’t want to disappoint anyone.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

PS. If you want a depressing Valentine’s Day post that may make you cry, click here for my Richmondmom.com article: The Mom Who Wouldn’t Say I Love You

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

25 thoughts to “If You Enjoy Valentine’s Day, Please Take Your Puffy Heart Self Somewhere Else”

  1. In my family, we do chocolate on Valentine’s Day…but really, that is an everyday thing around here, so not much of a special celebration.

    It is a “throw-away” holiday in my mind. Not really worth celebrating. (I think my husband loves that about me!)

  2. My experience is : no one has anything better to do than drink in the winter so they make up themed holidays. Today’s themes: pink and depression.

  3. My experience is no one has anything better to do than drink in the winter so they make up themed holidays. Today’s themes: pink and depression.

  4. I woke up this morning thinking, “YAY! Cinnamon hearts!” I totally plan on going to Walgreen’s on my lunch and eating so many I make myself sick.

    Ezra’s classroom is making a healthy fruit salad for their party and asked us to contribute, if anything, only healthy things. I sent marshmallows.

  5. We never really get to celebrate V-day because my husband is in the restaurant business (for now) and it’s the one day of the year when the cheap, rude, “I only dine out on special occasions so I don’t know that I’m supposed to tip with paper money, not pennies with lint from the bottom of my pocket” people come out.

    I ♥ run-on sentences way more than I ♥ Valentine’s Day.

    Oh, and I second the opinion that the only good thing about today is the abundance of red.

  6. I’ve always hated Valentine’s Day – well, it’s not February 14 that I hate, it’s the holiday. In college, I had friends that would get so depressed about not having a boyfriend on V-Day. I always thought to myself – why is it so awful that you don’t have a boyfriend on this day – you don’t have a boyfriend the day before or the day after either! (Of course, I had a boyfriend, now husband – although we didn’t and still don’t celebrate Valentine’s.)

  7. On Valentines Day I watch Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and cheer the scene where the witch doctor tears the heart out of the dude. The symbolism rocks.

    Just kidding. I took the day off to stay in bed w my wife and buy her lunch. Hate me

  8. I use to LOATHE this day, even with a Valentine. So much pressure! Either I’ve had no Valentine in sight or something has gone wrong. In college the guy I was madly in love with told me he had a baby on the way…yeah. When dating Robby I totally forgot to give him even a card and stopped at the GAS STATION to buy one and the male attendant totally made fun of me. Or I’ve freaked out because I’ve had “nothing to wear” so I blew plans on purpose. I only have embraced it once we got married. I figured he was now stuck and even if I blew it there was nothing he could do. Now I love it because there’s no pressure!

  9. V-day loather over here. Well, except for candy hearts. I love candy hearts. LOVE. But only the authentic Necco ones. Brach’s and Sweethearts and all other posers with their fruity blue flavors can bite me. I am so, so glad that my kids’ preschool/elementary prefers that kids not bring a stack of valentines and loads of candy.

    My in-laws offered to babysit for us so that my husband and I could have a Valentine’s Day date (on the 13th) and I had to restrain myself from screaming through the phone “WE DON’T CELEBRATE THAT SHIT…EVERY DAY IS VALENTINE’S DAY…I WON’T BE A PART OF YOUR HALLMARK CONSUMERIST HOLIDAY.” But instead I said “hells yes!” and took the night out with my honey. We ate at a greasy sports bar and browsed through the aisles of Target, and he picked up a David Sedaris book for me and I acquiesced to a CD for him and we shared a horrified moment at the discovery that there are Twlight Barbies. Then we bought an apple pie at the grocery store and came home to watch Bones a la mode. Now that’s romance fit for a beheaded saint, no?

  10. Aw Happy Valentine’s Day. I love you. I loooooooooooooooove you. Mush mush.

    It sounds like Scott is your perfect match. He can handle it when you flee from the romantic stuff.

    The pink pizza though …

  11. I don’t have a negative or a postive feeling about the day. I did have to cut up some cheese for my 22 month old’s school party. I decided they needed to be heart shaped. I am lame.

  12. We’re very anti-Hallmark holidays in our house, too.

    I have a very good friend who is 32 and very single. I have heard many a time about the New Year’s-Valentine one-two punch.

  13. I have broken up with THREE, that’s right THREE, guys on Valentine’s Day. Something about sitting across the table from someone where are all signs are saying– THIS SHOULD BE THE MOST ROMANTIC NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE!– that always made me say, NOPE. Not feeling it.

  14. My hubby loves the over the top romantic bs. So I celebrate it as a compromise so that he doesn’t hate me come thanksgiving when we have his parents, sister, brother in law (of whom he despises older brother syndrome FTW) my dad and brother, aunt, uncle, and cousin staying in our house for the weekend. We do thanksgiving together because it’s better than having to celebrate christmas (which I absolutely DESPISE). Anyway though I’m sitting around waiting for the flower delivery today and we’ll be going out tonight for some romantic dinner bs

  15. it was great to read that i’m not the only one not thrilled with this holiday. normally my hubby and i celebrate valentine’s day in the best way possible: he gets me the kind of candy i like and we continue our normal routine of him sleeping all day and going to work all night. unfortunately my mother-in-law is visiting this week, and she forced us to dress up and go out while she watched the kids. she even guilted him into buying me some cheesey jewelery that i’ll never wear. worst valentine’s day ever.

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