Late Enough I Ask Advice Button

I Ask: Why Are All The Good Things Bad For You?

Note: When I really started to think about this, I can see why there are atheists. You godly people have been warned.

Why McDonalds is good: The best french fries on earth. Hands down and if you argue with me, you’ll just be confirming that you’re crazy.
Why McDonalds is bad: Known not only for ridiculously unhealthy food but terrible practices with farmers.
Alternative to McDonalds: Make your own fries. Which only takes a hundred years, a deep fryer, and has to be with sweet potatoes to have any nutritional value.

Why candy is good: OMG! I love all things sugary. Halloween is the best the time of year mostly because FREE CANDY and LEFTOVER CANDY.
Why candy is bad: No real nutritional value and the sugary high leads to an emotional low of sobbing and wishing you had never shared that candy bar with your hyper-emotional son.
Alternative to candy: Fruit. Halloween pencils. Getting your house egged for not having candy.

Why smoking is good: Multiple smoke rings. Aloof coolness that ALL the girls dig. Excuse to leave work/party/house for five minutes.
Why smoking is bad: Cancer.
Alternative to smoking: Blowing spit bubbles. Standing around looking bored with your iPhone in your hand. Wait until your husband dies to start smoking again.

Why running is good: Miles of breath and sky. Oneness with nature and your own limitations. The adrenaline of competition even if it’s only with yourself.
Why running is bad: Shin splints. Stress fractures. Rolled ankles. Toe shoes. The shortest shorts on Earth. Spandex.
Alternative to running: Walking really fast so your hips wiggle like a bobble head gone mad. Sitting on the couch watching running.

Why television is good: Knowing what’s going on in the world. Arrested Development. Dexter.
Why television is bad: The same story lines over and over again. Being desensitized to violence.
Alternative to television: Facebook. Twitter. Reading my blog. Actually these seem like AWESOME alternatives.

So I ask: Why are all the good things bad for you?

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

20 thoughts to “I Ask: Why Are All The Good Things Bad For You?”

  1. Agree! Agree! Agree! Agree! and Agree!
    I have no idea why all these great things are bad for us. I bet it has something to do with Tom Cruise and aliens.

  2. I can’t answer you because I need to go outside for 5 minutes.

    Ah, there really are days I can’t even find smoking jokes funny. Because some days I miss its awesomeness more than I like breathing.

  3. It’s the same reason why you can’t have chocolate covered bacon on a daily basis. Because the laws of fat consumption are mean. Something as wonderful as chocolate covered bacon should NOT enlarge my ass by 10%.

  4. I have to say, there are better fries than McDonalds. but they’re only found in So Cal and Nevada: In n Out. so yum! and I miss them so!

    beer- tasty
    bad for you, makes you fat
    alternative- near beer? blech

    1. I grew up in Maine, not all that far from Quebec, where we used to smother our fries in gravy. I’m certain that there is nothing more delicious than that. Nothing.

  5. Country fries, are way way better than McDonald’s fries. Although, I still have warm remembrances of eating McDonald’s fries with their oh-so-delicious ranch dressing, while in college.

    The rest of it? Agreed. 100 percent.

  6. mcdonald’s uses beef bullion on their fries,’ which means that I can’t eat them because eating beef would kill me, so I’ve never tasted a mcdonald’s french fry.

  7. I like chik fil a’s waffle fries better than mcdonald’s fries….then again I’m part robot and thus programmed that way.

    why katy perry is “good” – upbeat, shallow, well produced danceable pop music

    why katy perry is “bad” – former teenage Christian artist who has been quoted as saying “i’ll do anything for attention”. She’s married a large doosh named Russell Brand who is from England and not funny.

    alternative to katy perry – don’t listen to the radio, listen to old Madonna and new Rihanna in small does.

  8. Love your blog! Found you through Romp n’ Roll promoting it! Just thought I would comment! Mainly to tell you that I love Dexter too! :o)

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