Note: When I really started to think about this, I can see why there are atheists. You godly people have been warned.
Why McDonalds is good: The best french fries on earth. Hands down and if you argue with me, you’ll just be confirming that you’re crazy.
Why McDonalds is bad: Known not only for ridiculously unhealthy food but terrible practices with farmers.
Alternative to McDonalds: Make your own fries. Which only takes a hundred years, a deep fryer, and has to be with sweet potatoes to have any nutritional value.
Why candy is good: OMG! I love all things sugary. Halloween is the best the time of year mostly because FREE CANDY and LEFTOVER CANDY.
Why candy is bad: No real nutritional value and the sugary high leads to an emotional low of sobbing and wishing you had never shared that candy bar with your hyper-emotional son.
Alternative to candy: Fruit. Halloween pencils. Getting your house egged for not having candy.
Why smoking is good: Multiple smoke rings. Aloof coolness that ALL the girls dig. Excuse to leave work/party/house for five minutes.
Why smoking is bad: Cancer.
Alternative to smoking: Blowing spit bubbles. Standing around looking bored with your iPhone in your hand. Wait until your husband dies to start smoking again.
Why running is good: Miles of breath and sky. Oneness with nature and your own limitations. The adrenaline of competition even if it’s only with yourself.
Why running is bad: Shin splints. Stress fractures. Rolled ankles. Toe shoes. The shortest shorts on Earth. Spandex.
Alternative to running: Walking really fast so your hips wiggle like a bobble head gone mad. Sitting on the couch watching running.
Why television is good: Knowing what’s going on in the world. Arrested Development. Dexter.
Why television is bad: The same story lines over and over again. Being desensitized to violence.
Alternative to television: Facebook. Twitter. Reading my blog. Actually these seem like AWESOME alternatives.
So I ask: Why are all the good things bad for you?