We’ve been living in this house for two years. Our neighbors may still ask if we’re new to the neighborhood, but one person knows EXACTLY how long we’ve been here.
After one year, the post office will no longer forward mail to the previous owner. So wintertime last year, my mailbox began to fill with the hopes and dreams and spams of another person.
Every single day.
I usually write on these letters something to the effect of: MOVED IN 2008 SO CLEARLY YOU AREN’T FRIENDS. STOP WRITING THEM. I, then, bundle them up, toss them in a blue mailbox (remember we don’t have a fancy metal box with a flag), and my conscience and I are as good as gold.
But we are a year into this little production, and I don’t remember to mail my OWN letters anymore. I dread the postman’s arrival. All the work that he brings me with hardly a real letter to ease my pain.
I know that it’s a federal offense to tamper with someone’s mail. And by know, I’ve heard. On Law and Order. But they are sending it to the wrong person! Whose mail IS it? The address’? The name’s? When can I throw it away? I JUST WANT TO THROW IT AWAY. What about the spam mail? Will the judge distinguish between solicitations and real letters when sentencing me to jail for ripping up the thousands of letters and dumping them on my postman’s head?
So I ask: How long do I have to send back the former homeowners’ mail?