Butt-less Forks

I finish ordering Friday night’s pizza when I note how quiet it is. I look around and realize it’s been ten minutes too long since I’ve seen my son.

I walk from room-to-room with my daughter at my side until I see E sitting very still on the couch.

E {excited}: Mama, I have forks! We can use for dinner!

Me {suspicious but hopefully}: Great.

I look closer and in his hands is an empty box where twenty-four plastic forks used to be.

Me {completely suspicious}: E, where ARE the forks?

My son smiles and points below him.

E {proud}: They’re under me.

Now, my son is pant-less and hasn’t bathed since Wednesday. Much like the rest of the us.

Me {back to hopeful}: They’re under the PILLOW that you’re sitting on, right?

E {honest}: Well? Sorta.

He lifts his stinky bottom to reveal twenty-four forks jammed between the pillow and the couch. Exactly where his naked buns were. It’s as though he is a twenty-first century descendant of the bird of the fabled golden egg laying plastic forks to keep mama from having to do dishes.

Me {about to say something I never thought I’d say}: Oh sweetie, no one wants BUTT-FORKS.

My son attempts to change my mind by chasing me around the house with his array of dinner butt-forks.

Don’t be fooled by it’s butt-less appearance.

He even get’s his sister involved.

The picture of innocence. But surprise! N’s pantless, too.

I have to have some standards, and butt-less forks is one of the few I can live up to.


Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

24 thoughts to “Butt-less Forks”

  1. Brave, brave woman, with pantsless children and white furniture!

    My kids started wearing pants regularly around the age of 6, so you have a few more years of inspecting forks for butt-exposure ahead of you.

  2. Bwahahahaha!!! So funny!
    My 3 year old likes to use the front of his underwear as a pocket. He sticks his Diego Telescope in there and walks around the house. It pretty funny to here him yell “I need my telescope!” and start digging around in the front of his pants. I usually yell back “Keep it in your pants!” just for kicks!

  3. *giggle*

    They are too darn cute! We’re not at that stage yet – but my twins have now learned to hide the food they don’t want to eat in their pants. Literally – the diaper change after meals = cut up fruit & veggies everywhere. The puppy loves it. Or at least I love that the dog eats it so I don’t have to actually clean the floor.

  4. I like the fact he wanted to use them with dinner. He wanted to share the joy of the fork. For the record, all of my pants that fit (at 24 weeks pregnant) make my legs itch so, I am pretty much on board with pantless days.

  5. *Snort.*

    The fact that he chased you around the house with them officially makes him the funniest kid alive. Seriously.

    Tell me you ran from him shrieking in horror and I’ll be even more impressed!

  6. When we twittered, I was left with the idea that you were searching for some obscure flatware pattern of which I was totally ignorant. I awake to read this post and think it’s par for the course at your house. Our daughter used to keep things in her “pocket” when she was little. Son keister stashed toys. Which is ironic (?) since he’s gay nowadays. Hmmmm? Par for the course at our house too.

  7. Oh, I love this! Moms would do well to have standardsno matter how they fluctuate.

    Clicked through from Christine’s Coffees and Commutes site.

    Cute pants-less kiddies!

  8. I do not even know where to start…what is the funniest part of this?

    the pantlessness? (I want in, by the way)
    the butt-forks?
    the chasing around the house wielding butt-forks?

    It’s all too much awesome.

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