The Worst Shoes Ever Mostly Because They Are Trying To Kill Me

My daughter gets a pair of cute Mary Jane shoes as a gift. She falls in love. The shoes are soft with flowers and bright colors. But that’s not why she adores them. No. She adores them because they squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak.

(If you can’t see the video, you may or may not be missing out. Click here: Video)

And guess what? There’s no off switch for the squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak.

We scour the Internet in the hopes of finding a solution to our squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. And squeak. After hours of tireless research and tears, we find a way. We can fill the shoes with GLUE, and they will never squeak again.

Great! The day after we rid ourselves of the incessant squeaking, our daughter will put on her favorite shoes and start to run. She will seem startled that no noise is accompanying her. She’ll look at her feet and jump up and down and up and down. She will look at us with furrowed eyebrows as her little voice trembles: Mama? Shoes?

For forty-five more minutes, she will walk up and down and up and down until she finally gives up and asks us to take off her no-squeak shoes.

Shoulders slumped, she will walk away crying.

The tag line of her shoes should be:

Let’s see what kind of mama you are! Chose between your sanity and breaking your daughter’s heart. Good luck. We’ll be checking on you.

The anti-shoe.

PS. Upon further research, we find a site that states: “These squeaky shoes can be easily silenced. Just remove the little squeaker and replace it after quiet time. **Special note. the small squeaker must be kept in a safe place due to choking hazards. Please never remove with your teeth and always keep away from children.”

Alternative shoe tag line:

Let’s see what kind of mama you are! Chose between your sanity and possible death. Because if your kid sees you remove that squeaker, you’re screwed! What kid isn’t going to use their teeth to get at the little white squeaky suckers? Good luck. We’ll be checking on you.

PPS. Do you think the gift-giver is trying to kill me? I feel like I should be prepared for possible drum sets, puppies and anonymous calls to child protective services.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

35 thoughts to “The Worst Shoes Ever Mostly Because They Are Trying To Kill Me”

  1. That is no gift. That is a punishment.

    Very sorry to tell you that the gift giver (not so) secretly hates you. What a bummer.

    And yes, I would be on the lookout for drum sets and small furry animals. Also, toys with sirens.

    Could that girlie be any cuter? I’m pretty sure not!

  2. I’m surprised you haven’t jumped off a tall building yet! I’d say those shoes need to accidentally fall into the garbage disposal. oops! too bad.

    when Jeté was a kitten, she had a toy that squeaked when it moved. I spent a horrible 3 hour drive to visit my parents with that damn toy squeaking every second. squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak. I thought I’d run my car off the road.

  3. My Mother-In-Law sent some squeak shoes to my daughter once. When I found out they squeaked, I promptly hid them. To this day, I can’t remember where they are. But I know I don’t hear them.

  4. That video was awesome. I can tell by how much she liked those shoes in the 10 second video that it’s your life 24/7. For shame.
    People always think that certain gifts are just so wonderful. When clearly they are not.

  5. Those squeeking shoes! I think a special place in hell is reserved for those squeeking shoes and the Fisher Price popcorn popper (haaaatttte).

    I had a woman at a store try to sell me a pair for Ezra and I promptly snort laughed, not in the most polite way either. There may have also been a sneer.

  6. I have had one encounter with said squeak shoes. A mother thought it would be a great idea to let her child wear them to the vet as they brought their dog in for a visit. needless to say if your kid sounds like a squeaky toy, chances are dogs may take notice.

    **no child was harmed in the story above just harassed by multiple dogs and I am pretty sure the receptionist at the vet wanted to sedate the little girl.

      1. I was thinking if my mom’s dog was around those shoes, she’d lose her mind. She hears that squeaky dog toy noise, and she starts to dance and turn in circles. Those shoes are the perfect present for the dog, should you want to get rid of them.

  7. Dear God. Who on Earth would be cruel enough to give those shoes as a gift? It is my humble opinion that any noise making child device should come with a mute capability. Always.

    Really, children should come with mute capability as well, but that’s another topic altogether.

  8. Ahhh…the squeaky shoes. I was going to tell you that you could remove the white squeaker, but it looks like you’ve discovered that.

    We did and caused out daughter to stare at her shoes in confusion, then at us with her lower lip pouted out and crocodile tears dripping off her cheeks.

    Nothing like a nearly silent cry to break a mean mommy’s heart.

    Needless to say the squeaker went back in and I just resigned myself to insanity until her feet got too big for the shoes. It only took three long, very long months.

  9. I had friends who loved those shoes (note the past tense). When we were given a pair, the sqeakers were removed in the dead of night, sent straight to the farthest reaches of the trash can. Honey, I just don’t know why but they must only squeak for the first day….

    Sanity comes first. Always.

  10. Hahahaha!!! I love it “squeak, squeak, squeak…”
    My husband had some shoes like that (not on purpose) but he refused to get rid of them so everyday it would be: “Honey, what do you want for dinner?” Squeak squeak squeak squeak “We don’t have anything in the fridge.” Squeak squeak squeak “Where are the take out menus?” Squeak squeak squeak squeak….I finally threw them away. I think their shoe tag line read: Murder husband or Throw away shoes and hear about it for months afterwards then kill husband.

  11. Oh… oh wow. Good Lord! What did you do to the person that gave you those shoes??? It definitely seems like some sort of punishment….

    Who allowed those shoes to exist????????

  12. THEY ARE WEE-SQUEAKS RIGHT?! We got Riley a pair (a Zulily bargain) and realized the Pandora’s box we opened. We removed the squeaker instantly. Who thought of that?! CLEARLY someone without kids. Like a crazy aunt or something. Or a grandparent who gets to give gifts and then not have to listen to the squeaking. flip side: I guess we’d always know where they were.

  13. Clearly, the gift-giver has something against you. When is her kid’s next birthday? You must come up with a strategy. Maybe an instrument of the month club. Or a jam making kit.

  14. I love how in the video you can still hear the squeak walking around the house.
    Glad none of my friends hate me this much! Very passive aggressive of them. On another note I totally know what I am purchasing for all of my nieces and nephews for their birthdays this year.

  15. That is funny as crap, made even funnier if possible by the fact that when I turned on the video my dogs were all “oh holy no, wth is that sound?” I thought Lucy (bulldog) was going to pounce on the laptop, lol!!

  16. I have never had a pair for either girl, though I’ve been around other moms whose girls have them, who say, “Just let me know if you want me to take them off. They can get annoying.”

    So don’t feel bad.

    And don’t remove the squeaker with your teeth. 🙂

  17. Why?! Why would anyone SELL these things, let alone BUY them?!

    Break the squeakers. The little part that makes the squeak noise can be broken. When you put them in and they no longer squeak, tell her they were worn out from too much squeaking.

    Whoever gave this gift is seriously warped.

  18. HA! This is incredible. That video of her running around is very cute and your tag lines for the shoes? Perf. I can’t believe they put squeakers in kids shoes now. Our dog would eat them in 10 or less minutes. Our poor kids will never know the joys of a good ol’ fashioned shoe squeak.

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