See You At The Apocalypse!

I don’t know where you hide presents for your children. But ours go in the zombie apocalypse stash. Which is how we found the leaking eight gallons of spring water.

I was a little shocked that someone is already sabotaging us. Thank goodness we hadn’t put the stolen antibiotics and pain medication in there yet. Related: We haven’t stolen them yet either. This post is like your Minority Report. Remember that guy Tom Cruise? He’s TOTALLY in that movie! So are some bald twins. And a giant marble game. Which my kids got for Christmas. They actually got three. Oops. Santa needs to give out his list to grandma. Although that wouldn’t have solved the same grandma buying them two.

So after solving crimes that haven’t happened, we created a model for living in a tree.

And we’ve already lost the ladder! Just like in real-zombie-life!

And since I built this with a screw driver, my children and swear words, I’m pretty sure that we can recreate it in giant oak tree.

Although our first choice tree may or may not be dying. When we had the tree doctor (suspicious concept in and of itself) give it a little trim, a very worried neighbor yelled: YOU AREN’T CUTTING IT DOWN, ARE YOU?

Me: Um, if the tree’s diagnosis is untreatable psychosis leading it to collapse on your home and kill you all? Yes. But if it’s old tree that with a good oxygen tank and some support hoes will survive another ten years? The tree stays. YOU however should get off my lawn.

My cat, Calliope, has already scouted out the other tree JUST IN CASE.

It’s pretty clear there won’t be room for everyone. Thanks a lot, cat.

But I’m pretty sure it’s just for her and her two cohorts, Loki and Juno. Maybe my daughter. She’s been meowing like a champ.

And, just in case we have to go in for covert zombie operations, I may order a few of these hats.

Also, I’m creating a list of people who I’d feel comfortable letting my children bite.

All-in-all, the zombie preparations continue. Although I live in great fear that the vampires will beat them to it. Vampires are competitive. And are pretty pissed about the Twilight series.

So I added some garlic and Scott has taken up woodcarving again.

I might lie to myself about owning this book, but not to you. We are going to have some SWEET looking stakes though.

See you at the apocalypse! Don’t forget to bring your own ladder!

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

29 thoughts to “See You At The Apocalypse!”

  1. How have I never seen those hats before? Do I not tweet about zombies enough to get spammed with zombie hats? Frankly, I’m a little upset over here.

    So, thanks for being better than me AGAIN, Late Enough.

    1. As I just said on twitter: ‘I spelled (panty) hose as hoes in today’s post. Misspelling? I think not.’
      And I think that I’ll be suggesting this treatment to a lot of people from now on.

  2. All jokes aside, I think I might be paranoid.

    I actually own a significant amount of zombie apocalypse/emergency anything else survival gear.

    And we already have our treehouse.

    Which is protected by two attack cats. And a shotgun for those who try to steal my non-human bacon.

  3. I have to think that in a zombie apocalypse, a dead tree can only be a benefit. they can’t bite the tree and turn in into a zombie. see? genius. now you so want me in your tree.

    also? those hats are freaking precious.

  4. This post was seriously so off the wall I’m not really sure what to say! I’m glad you’re adequately prepared for the pending zombie apocalypse and/or vampire attacks.

  5. I could not finish reading this post bc it would be in direct violation of my #1 rule to avoid anything that has to do with that alien Tom Cruise.
    Hope to see a pic of you wearing the zombie hat soon 🙂

  6. Do you know how sneaky Zombies and Vampires can be? As I was typing that, I just started wondering if you’re supposed to capitalize Zombie and Vampire?

    Anyway, I was saying- Zombies and Vampires can be verrry sneaky. I’m not sure the tree house and hats are going to protect you.

    I’m also not very sure what’s going on right now. I’m very confused.

  7. Clearly the apocalypse has come because this wasn’t emailed to me! Had I not been a devout stalker of you on facebook I wouldn’t have known! It’s starting! And it’s coming through technology first!

    Side note, where the heck did you find that cool tree house?

  8. My husband is technically a tree surgeon…but he never refers to himself as such. Thankfully…because I couldn’t keep a straight face if he did that.

    Those freaky twins in Minority Report still freak me out. Almost as much as Tom Cruise.

    I have dreamed of treehouse life ever since the first time I watched Swiss Family Robinson. Their treehouse protected them from pirates, so I think you are on the right path to Zombie protection.

  9. I have to admit, I am so happy to hear that I am not the only one with an End Times stash of spring water. I can’t say Zombie apocalypse, because we have put away some tin foil in the event that mind-reading aliens are, in fact, the culprit (or if we need to preserve food or make our own radio attennas. My End Times scenario somehow includes my finally becoming the radio personality I am too scared to become in real life). No stolen antibiotics in mine, either, but I would have been ticked off if I had spent all of that time gathering cricket bats to combat zombies, only to have them get wet and then warp.

  10. This post was hilarious through and through. When I got to the part about the list you’re making of people you’d feel comfortable letting your children bite, I almost peed my pants. Almost. I’ve been doing kegels, so I’m all successful in the pee holding in as of late!

  11. Can I just say…that I am in LOVE with the zombie hat! I’m glad someone else is preparing for the zombie apocalypse. Altho we need to move beyond “stashing baseball bats throughout the house” and perhaps address our potential food supply needs…

  12. I love this! Personally, I’d start collecting flame throwers, butane tanks with torch attachments, and a few grenades. You can make your own penicillin with some bread and a simple chemistry lab kit, though I’m not sure I totally recommend that. It’s probably better to find a pharmacy or a Cardinal warehouse. Awesome blog!

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