My Neighbors Are Leaving Me Dog Poop. Seriously.

When we had Ratchet dog (who has been re-adopted! yay!), we bought biodegradable doggy crap bags. Luckily, they came with directions broken down into six easy-to-follow steps because “steward of the environment” might also mean “moron”.

Dog poop bags
I really appreciate that they included pictures. In case I am stoned while walking my dog and have lost the ability to read.

Our neighbors*, finding our love of the environment repugnant, since global warming is just a natural course of events towards creating a super race of wealthy white people who can’t leave their homes without gas masks and semi-automatic weapons to keep the starving masses at bay, started leaving THESE by our home.

Dog bags left on the ground
Blue bags full of meadow muffins left NEXT to our trash can. Like a big middle finger.

On closer inspection, these bags, damning my grandchildren to a treeless life, do NOT have directions on them. But clearly our neighbors have grasped steps one through five ALL ON THEIR OWN.  I am amazed myself.

The little blue bags of defecation just need a sentence to get their attention:

IF YOU PUT THIS IN A TRASH CAN, YOUR NEIGHBOR WILL NOT KEEP A YARD FULL OF CHILDREN’S TOYS AND RAINBOW FLAGS

Meanwhile, I have not retaliated. Mostly because I could only throw people feces at them like some angry caged monkey. My cats?  Are sneaky poopers. They’re like your girlfriend before she became your wife. WHO KNOWS WHERE SHE USED TO PUT IT? Unless the cat is permanently indoors, you can’t get that crap in a bag. It’s the booger you pick and flick into the air. POOF! It disappears.

CAT POOP IS JUST LIKE THAT.

Too bad my neighbors aren’t.

*We have at least two neighbors who aren’t suspects. Psst, there’s a spot in the apocalypse tree for you.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

28 thoughts to “My Neighbors Are Leaving Me Dog Poop. Seriously.”

  1. Hilarious, as always. My cats are sneaky poopers outside in my neighbors yard and sometimes inside (we don’t have a litter box so those really need to be sneaky)!

  2. This post is amazing. Hysterical. Surprised they picked up the poop at all.

    Save it up, put it in a box (or boxes) and leave it on the suspect’s front porch with a ‘Well behaved women rarely make history’ bumper sticker as the seal.

    That’d get your point across.

  3. Maybe I’m old fashioned but I always thought that bags of poop should be lit aflame and left on the door step. Shoot them. That will stop them.

  4. My favorite part: “Meanwhile, I have not retaliated. Mostly because I could only throw people feces at them like some angry caged monkey. My cats? Are sneaky poopers. They’re like your girlfriend before she became your wife. WHO KNOWS WHERE SHE USED TO PUT IT? Unless the cat is permanently indoors, you can’t get that crap in a bag. It’s the booger you pick and flick into the air. POOF! It disappears.” We just use regular plastic grocery sacks to pick up Sam’s poop. Yes, the kind that animals will think are jelly fish as they are floating in the ocean. I recycle these that aren’t called into service but have never thought badly about using them for poop pickup. OH DEAR! But I kinda feel like I’m not being wasteful since I’m picking up poop (reusing recycling!)…that won’t get into our drinking water…am I selling this at all?

  5. P.S. TOTALLY FREAKING RUDE that they aren’t putting it in your trashcan by the way. I always feel awkward opening up a can not mine to pop in poop, but I carry it around with me until I get home if there’s no can. Again. R-U-D-E.

  6. You make me thrilled I live in a forest, I have no neighbours and my dogs (and everyone else’s) all poop in the trees. And it magically disappears. I couldn’t survive living in the city if I had to scoop poop. I’m all about a superior race and killing the environment.

  7. This right here is one example of why I visit you, Alex:
    “Luckily, they came with directions broken down into six easy-to-follow steps because “steward of the environment” might also mean “moron”.”
    Visiting you is the best way to start my day.
    Love you, silly one.

  8. That is some seriously messed up s**t. Sorry to hear your neighbors are so anti-social. Good luck with that. (And you have a talent for making things sound really funny. Thanks for that!)

  9. I once had an upstairs neighbor (who was also a close friend) who threw cigarette butts and Miller Lite bottle caps off her balcony EVERY DAY. They landed in my plants, all over my little patio, and on the grounds surrounding my apartment. Once day I picked them all up and put them in a plastic grocery bag and hung it on her doorknob. The bad was FULL.

  10. This would not end well in my neighborhood. First, I would’ve already set up a steak out to figure out exactly who was doing it. Second, my husband would’ve seriously lost his cool and put a nasty letter in everyone’s mailbox in the neighborhood plus a sign on the trashcan that said something like “To whoever can’t seem to get doggie poop bags in our trashcan – Learn how to use a trashcan or I’ll forget how to use an indoor toilet and come do my business in your yard.”

    I think you should definitely set up a secret spy mission or hidden camera to bust these poop-heads!

  11. there is only ONE solution.

    1. have the #6 image from your biopoop bags scanned, printed, and made into some brightly-colored, sturdy, weatherproof signs. (hello kinkos!)

    2. attach wooden stakes

    3. hammer said be-staked signs into ground in a 5-10′ radius of your trash cans (a ridiculous number of them – impossible to miss!) and/or hang from nearby tree branches and road signs at eye level.

    4. also print (brightly-colored) tee shirts with the same BIG #6 graphic
    back of shirt to read simply: got #2? get #6.

    5. wear t-shirt every time you are out with the kids in the neighborhood.

    6. smile big and wave at every dogwalking neighbor in sight!

  12. Once I stopped laughing, I started…well…laughing again.

    Those dog bags kill me. I understand that picking up poop is something responsible pet owners do to keep our parks and easements poo-free for the enjoyment of all.

    At the same time, it bugs that we put something that is naturally biodegradable into something that has a half life of what? Unless they are the ones that break down in 18 months, I get irked.

    Okay…off my soap box and on to…

    Are your neighbors aware that the only thing standing between them and invading zombies is your tree? Not smart, neighbors. Not smart at all.

  13. okay… so I know this is WAAAAAY after your post, but I just found you and I’m reading everything out of order!

    But I have a suggestion for revenge (besides writing a blog post about them). Since you know their address, you can always subscribe them to gay-porn. I love fantasizing about doing this to those super-bigoted, super-conservative enemies of mine! Just imagining their faces when it comes in the mail is so awesome… Just don’t leave a paper trail. Ahem.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.