I leave myself voice memos.
I’d like to think that they are from the writer in me who sees the world as a landscape of inspiration.
And then I listened to one tonight.
It was a BEATING HEART.
I was all WTH is that?
Until I remembered that guy I put under the floorboards.
Actually, my son has a noisemaker. And it’s not just his bottom. (I’m totally laughing right now.) It has eight noise choices. And yes, a heartbeat is one of them. Creepy. Until you realize what he COULD have chosen:
- Ocean waves not crashing on your head and dragging you out to sea like I dreamt every other night of my childhood
- Thunderstorms because children and dogs everywhere love a loud random bang to lull them to sleep
- Annoying birds that make me understand why they’d fall out of the sky and die just to get away from themselves chirping.
- Running stream which should be renamed running stream of urine
- Tropical forest where at least when you get bit by the poisonous snake, you can crawl over to the St. John’s Wart and not be so depressed about dying.
- Summer nights where listening to teenagers groping each other between cricket chirps is almost as awkward as being the groping teenager.
And WHITE NOISE. Which would have been spectacular. Because I haven’t seen the creepy movie yet. And by yet, I mean NEVER.
Instead I got this on my iPhone: Creepy heartbeat
Which is just one better than the other noisemaker we were given. It’s has the option of Whale.
Now, you are probably asking: Why can’t Alex get away from the this tell-tale noisemaker? Actually, you are probably asking: Why did Alex save a voice memo of it? And that’s a mystery which will only be solved with intensive therapy and sleep. Neither of which I get.
I am quite attached to sleeping in my own bed.
But my children have built a small fort of sleep next to it.
So I am trapped. By my awesome mattress, a husband, two cute children and occasionally, a giant creepy heartbeat.
At least it’s nice to know that we could downsize to two large rooms and a kitchenette.
Actually, just two rooms and takeout.
Free takeout if we play our cards right with our handy heartbeat machine.
In unrelated but important news: I’m hosting a giveaway for a FREE Blogger Body Calendar over on my new review site. Enter at: Giving Away Semi-Naked People