Creepy Is Genetic

I leave myself voice memos.

I’d like to think that they are from the writer in me who sees the world as a landscape of inspiration.

And then I listened to one tonight.


I was all WTH is that?

Until I remembered that guy I put under the floorboards.

Actually, my son has a noisemaker. And it’s not just his bottom. (I’m totally laughing right now.) It has eight noise choices. And yes, a heartbeat is one of them. Creepy. Until you realize what he COULD have chosen:

  • Ocean waves not crashing on your head and dragging you out to sea like I dreamt every other night of my childhood
  • Thunderstorms because children and dogs everywhere love a loud random bang to lull them to sleep
  • Annoying birds that make me understand why they’d fall out of the sky and die just to get away from themselves chirping.
  • Running stream which should be renamed running stream of urine
  • Tropical forest where at least when you get bit by the poisonous snake, you can crawl over to the St. John’s Wart and not be so depressed about dying.
  • Summer nights where listening to teenagers groping each other between cricket chirps is almost as awkward as being the groping teenager.

And WHITE NOISE.  Which would have been spectacular. Because I haven’t seen the creepy movie yet.  And by yet, I mean NEVER.

Instead I got this on my iPhone: Creepy heartbeat

Which is just one better than the other noisemaker we were given. It’s has the option of Whale.

Now, you are probably asking: Why can’t Alex get away from the this tell-tale noisemaker? Actually, you are probably asking: Why did Alex save a voice memo of it? And that’s a mystery which will only be solved with intensive therapy and sleep. Neither of which I get.


Kid's sleeping on mattresses in the parent's room
Why yes, that IS our bedroom.

I am quite attached to sleeping in my own bed.

But my children have built a small fort of sleep next to it.

So I am trapped. By my awesome mattress, a husband, two cute children and occasionally, a giant creepy heartbeat.

At least it’s nice to know that we could downsize to two large rooms and a kitchenette.

Actually, just two rooms and takeout.

Free takeout if we play our cards right with our handy heartbeat machine.

In unrelated but important news: I’m hosting a giveaway for a FREE Blogger Body Calendar over on my new review site. Enter at: Giving Away Semi-Naked People

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

26 thoughts to “Creepy Is Genetic”

  1. We got a noise machine as a baby shower gift. I scoffed at it thinking what good it would do. The first night my son was home after 2+ weeks in the NICU, he was freaked out by the silence and the sound machine went on. We used the ocean noise for a while, then after my daughter was thrown into the mix another 2 weeks after that, ocean wasn’t cutting it. At this point, they would fall asleep on our chests, so we decided to go with heartbeat. It worked wonders! The first night hearing that through the baby monitor was just like that episode of The Simpsons where Lisa makes the diorama of The Tell-Tale Heart. Now at almost 15 months, they still listen to the heartbeats while they sleep and none of us can sleep without it.

  2. AH!!!! We have that same sound machines and the heartbeat is SUPER CREEPY. In fact, when we first got it as a joke Hubs would put it on heartbeat to freak me out. In fact, each person has his or her own sound machine, except for me. I am the only one that doesn’t need a sleep aid because I am an all pro sleeper. Like Olympic ability. Otherwise sleep props are the way to go in the Robinson house. thud thud…thud thud…thud thud…

  3. All three of my kids have the same noise maker (or at least it has the same noises)…and my kids all prefered the ocean noise. My favorite was when we still has 2 monitors in our room and we could listen to double echoing waves. Although i guess that’s better than creepy heartbeat and waves….and by the way, we had the whale noise on a lamb that hung on the side of the crib…it made each of my kids freak out so bad that I just removed the noise maker. Why the hell would a lamb make a whale noise anyway?

    1. We’ve had noisemakers since day one. And our kids DON’T sleep well. But for others, it’s AWESOME. Actually another commenter left you a comment below this reply that you wouldn’t see if you aren’t subscribed to comments. So I’m giving you a heads up. Because COMMUNITY rocks.

  4. @Melissa, if it wasn’t for the fact that it seems to help my 5, 3, and 1 yr olds all sleep, we wouldn’t have them….our upstairs sounds ridiculous at night…but it drowns out (no pun intended) the outside noise so they sleep, has helped me keep from killing noisy neighbors, and gives me a few moments rest….we bought ours at target (Homedics is the brand)….steer clear of that creepy lamb that makes the whale noises though…it’ll give you all nightmares!

  5. I’m rather enamored of E’s sheets.

    And who, tell me WHO, can ever possibly fall asleep to birds? WHO? God that makes me so angry. There’s is NOTHING soothing about that.

    End rant.

    (But really, tell me who. Find me one person. One. I dare you.)

  6. We got a white noise machine for Hayden when he was little, and now neither one of us can live without it. Luuuuve it. Travel with it. As for the sleeping, having him in the same room with us is, like, the worst sleeping arrangement. Ever. “Mommy?” What. “I can’t sleep.” This goes on for h-o-u-r-s.

  7. I’m impressed by the sleeping setup you have going on right now. I’m way too selfish to have two wiggly kids sleeping in the room with me.

  8. I hate the bird noises! I mean really, really hate it. Who on Earth decided that should be filed under “soothing noises”?
    We are all about white noise in our house. Heartbeats are for creepy people…

  9. You clearly didn’t listen to the Tropical Forest one long enough because after a few minutes a monkey squaks to jar you awake. EEEEEEEEEaAAAAAAAAA
    That’s my impression of it.

  10. We have scary Tell Tale Heart heartbeat sound machine, too! And, when I accidentally press that button, I get the creeps.

    We do white noise…and I haven’t seen the movie, either.

  11. woman, I think you just patented creepy.

    I’ve been thinking about getting a white noise machine to drown out my ghetto-ass neighbors. but NOW I’ll be way to creeped out. thanks.

    it’s okay. their noise is starting to get comforting. I now worry when they’re quiet because that must mean they’re either dead of an overdose or they’re hiding a body.

  12. my first association with the word noisemaker = party favor.
    my first association with images of people sleeping in piles on twin mattresses on the floor = college.
    i’m thinking your post could take on a whole new direction….with just a few simple twists…and a couple of bottles of cheap, fruity wine (arbor mist, anyone?)

    where’s my brain at??? where my brain at, yo? …wait, i appear to be suffering the consequences of the two year old who’s been SLEEPING ON MY HEAD half the night for the past few months.

    seriously, i need a noisemaker and some mattresses for the floor – stat!

    bring it.

  13. hahaha. i have that same noisemaker, methinks. and the heartbeat creeps me out too. i actually thought that my son’s first sentences were going to be the whale song language.
    mine is his own noisemaker too. in the car he proudly told me “Whoa. I pooted from the butt.”
    ah the joys of owning, i mean, having a child.

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