All Running Does Is Make Me Look Like Conan O’Brien

I’m a runner. Who is actually running again.

I'm sporting some sweet Conan hair for my first run.

If by RUNNING, I mean that I ran three days a week for two weeks straight. Then I got a cold and ran once. Then I pooped myself and ran once. Then I ran a half-mile, pulled a muscle that felt JUST LIKE BREAKING MY HIP and limped home.

Normally, this would be the end of the running road for me. I’m a wimp who literally breaks out in hives my first few days exercising (exercised-induced utacaria. not to be confused with itchy pants syndrome). But I accidentally signed up to run 13.1 miles in March. In a race. With my husband.

Also, I’m extraordinarily competitive. I ran cross-country and track in high school and wasn’t half-bad. I was half-bad by college because drunk running isn’t a sport.

So while I tell Scott that I’m tired and cold and my right hip healed backwards, I’m already dressed in my sweet spandex under armour outfit made for someone a foot taller with feet shaped like icicles. Because half-marathons do not come cheaply or with a rickshaw. And I cannot let my husband win.

So I’m back on my running schedule! If by running, I mean only speeding up enough to keep the twenty-year-old walking her Labrador from passing me and my headlamp.

I bet the marathon would give a Chilean miner his money back for a broken hip.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on, a humor blog (except when it's serious) about her husband fighting zombies, awkward attempts at friendship, and dancing like everyone is watching. She also has a soft spot for culture, politics, and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She parents 2 elementary-aged children, 1 foster baby, 3 cats, and 1 puppy, who are all Southern but not rude. Yet.

24 thoughts to “All Running Does Is Make Me Look Like Conan O’Brien”

  1. You motivate me. You really do. I think I’m getting some sweet running kicks from Santa (a.k.a. the husband) and will once again try my hand at running. I am determined to run the bridge race in Charleston this spring. I love it and it makes me feel like I just conquered the world. Now if only I could conquer the jiggly belly feeling when I run in place.

  2. I ran track in high school. Can’t say I was good, but I didn’t completely suck. I have tried to pick it up again at random intervals since. My sophomore year of college I decided a 2-mile run would be fun, and somehow easy – hey, I ran track in high school. It felt like my calves were being ripped off my legs for the next week. And my friends told me I walked around like I was horribly constipated.
    Now, I too blame hip issues. No really, it kills my hip when I run – pavement, grass, treadmill. So I don’t exercise at all. Although I’ll probably start walking on the treadmill to lose the last 5 pounds of prego-birth weight – I think I can handle that.
    Good luck to you! Let that stubborn, competitive spirit drive you to break apart at the joints AFTER the finish line.

  3. Go Alex! Sounds like you’re doing Shamrock in March? I did the full marathon at Shamrock last year. You sound faster than I am, but maybe you really can do the Marathon Training Team with me this summer to train for the Richmond Marathon next November. It’s fun!

    1. Or tire him out. Wink wink. No wait…..that tires you out too and you’ll be late to the start. Late? Ha ha ha….I crack myself up. No wait……

  4. I have this policy that I don’t run…unless I am being chased by someone with weapons.

    BUT! If I was somehow signed up for a race against my husband, I would run, and I would run, until I won. Thankfully he doesn’t run either. So we can just stick to the “how many hershey’s kisses can you eat in five minutes race” that we may or may not have had last night at our house.

  5. I despise running. The funny thing is, I really WANT to like it. Because they (the Army) makes me do it.

    After over 8 years, you’d think I could get past the hatred. Nope.

  6. Ok, this is going to sound way more horrible than I mean it…but the last picture sort of suggests a cross between the Chilean Miner Saga and The Blair Witch Project.

    But like I said…it sounds way meaner than I mean it to.

    I mean it to sound funny.

    Please hear funny.

    (PS – I think, actually, that if I need to write Cliff Notes with my jokes that I am not really hitting the target here.)

  7. Okay, I seriously thought I was the only person who got itchy when running. People look at me like I’m crazy when I tell them. “I get this weird itch when I run.” “Oh sure, right… if you don’t want to run, just say so and stop making stuff up!” So you have now given me much peace by putting a name to my symptoms. 😉 Also, I find that if I just ignore the itch, it goes away after 5-10 minutes of running, but when I was younger, I never got past 5 minutes so I didn’t know that!

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